tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-56485452024-03-07T08:52:04.212+00:00Skip's Acorn TreasuryPenguin crime. Lego. Drinking with thin friends. Cat.Skiphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15153208735469088823noreply@blogger.comBlogger1690125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5648545.post-25624109122798724082017-08-27T19:10:00.001+00:002017-08-27T19:10:04.622+00:00Portuguese CakeI'm sitting writingin a rather lovely cafe.<br />
<br />
The council have a community centre with a cafe run by the sour kind of people who end up running council cafes, delighting in portioning out council bacon into council bread and served with council coffee and council sweetener.<br />
<br />
It has been taken over by a Portuguese Woman who meets with splendid eyerolls the regular arrivals of Doreen (I'm guessing the name, but it fits) from the community centre. "We have an extra health and safety induction that all staff need to go on in order to facilitate our BS91202"<br />
(portuguese eyeroll)<br />
"It would be an hour out of your day. We've picked a quiet time for the centre. Lunchtime."<br />
(portuguese eyeroll)<br />
<br />
Actually, the cafe is quiet. It doesn't deserve to be. It deserves to be heaving.<br />
<br />
I rediscovered it by accident - I lost my wallet the other week, so have found somewhere other than the British Library or my occasional treat cafe to do work in.<br />
<br />
The prices are ludicrous. A proper coffee is £1.80. Or, for £1.80 you can have a coffee and a delicious custardy portuguese pastry. "You do not have to take the cake, of course."<br />
(portuguese eyeroll)Skiphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15153208735469088823noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5648545.post-12041646163044227372017-02-20T15:09:00.000+00:002017-02-20T15:09:18.077+00:00Charlie And The Nipple Factory<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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"Ever since I turned 50, my nipples have been a source of great erotic excitement," the American leaned forward. "I'd really love it if you could massage them."<br />
Up until then, we'd been having such a lovely chat. Now he wanted me to milk him.<br />
<br />
The thing is, I've come on holiday on my own. I hadn't exactly planned it, but my boyfriend suddenly changed jobs, and so here I am, in a hotel in an empty Turkish village built for Russian tourists. I was quietly dreading it, with the thoroughly British approach of planning lots of outings and catching up on work and good deeds. Surely I'd go mad from loneliness, like the guy in the boat in <i>Nostromo</i>?<br />
<br />
Actually, no. As soon as I got here I realised it would be marvellous. I can watch German octogenarians drink the bar dry. There are awful Russian men slapping the arses of please-don't-let-them-be-their-daughters-because-that-would-be-worse women. There are even a few Turkish families - the Dads taking manspreading to extremes when confronted by the salad bar, sending their families scampering across the cheesboard like generals ordering their troops into No Man's Land.<br />
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Aside from the people-watching, there's the serenity of waking up every morning and walking along the beach, feeding the stray cats, before settling down to a bit of work. It also helps that the village (for reasons which are economically baffling) is home to a branch of the Turkish version of Primark.<br />
<br />
It's said the Germans have a focused approach to the all-inclusive holiday (as one tells me "I have paid 300 euros for the week. In addition I will spend a euro at the airport for my luggage trolley"). The Russians are giddily more extravagant (rumours abound of them spending 400 euros each day). Everyone else stomps off to Primark, staggering back with bags full of £2 t-shirts and £4 jumpers. I've abandoned washing any clothes and am just buying new ones.<br />
<br />
As well as shopping, occasionally, people will talk to me. Sometimes it's a waiter at the bar ("No, sir, your Turkish is very good. You are studying it? Really? How long for? 20 years? Oh..Well, maybe you will get the hang of it one day. More tea?") and then there is the Old American Tourist with the erotic nipples.<br />
<br />
He introduced himself by sitting down next to me and telling me his entire life story. He taught at Turkish universities his entire career. He now lives in Germany where he has a wife and two dogs. He loves to come to Turkey because he has a Special Friend here. At this point he gets even more animated as he tells me about Altun, the security guard. They've known each other for a decade, and arrange to spend a week a year in a Turkish hotel "in mutual physical contemplation - we have laughs and massages and pillow fights...".<br />
<br />
It's all very very bizarre. He says <i>Brokeback Mountain</i> is his favourite film, then tells me about the first time that he and Altun became "physically intimate soul mates" ("His wife had just cooked us the most wonderful food and then, while she cleared away the plates, he massaged me most satisfactorily.").<br />
<br />
He shifts along the sofa, nearer towards me, and I start mentioning how amazing my boyfriend is. This doesn't stop him. First he tells me about his nipples ("I call them my cum-bullets") and then, with another little shift, he asks me to massage them.<br />
<br />
I look across the bar. In the distance some children are chasing one of the hotel cats. I have an urge to shout at them, but then I figure, on polished marble tiles who is going to come out of that chase better? Toddlers or a cat?<br />
<br />
I thank the American for the offer but tell him that it would be awkward.<br />
"Awkward? Gee. How so?"<br />
I just repeat that it would be awkward.<br />He shakes his head. "You're missing out."<br />
He shifts away from me just a little.<br />
<br />
"Tomorrow I go home," he says, rubbing his beard. "My wife will be waiting for me at the airport with the dogs. I can't wait to see them. Dear little Lotti and Lupo!"<br />I never find out what his wife's name is.<br />
<br />
In the distance there is a thump and the sound of a toddler screaming. A cat trots casually past, job done.<br />
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<br />Skiphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15153208735469088823noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5648545.post-83599620487971081942017-01-21T18:33:00.001+00:002017-01-21T18:55:36.199+00:00Un-Fes-Ant<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrbNJcY4E2ngigUCo3XNqQOSYydmp1uVEictWSyHdE7nIcKQOPrbQU8B8SgwlbFKB7RiKWCgzUOJVL0mxmrzmfKadlff7Cy03CQWE-alEqrWP6fbH9MVlNusPpQzAPplcxok8H/s1600/fes1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrbNJcY4E2ngigUCo3XNqQOSYydmp1uVEictWSyHdE7nIcKQOPrbQU8B8SgwlbFKB7RiKWCgzUOJVL0mxmrzmfKadlff7Cy03CQWE-alEqrWP6fbH9MVlNusPpQzAPplcxok8H/s320/fes1.jpg" width="320" height="239" /></a></div>
There's a project management rule that things can be any two of the following three: Good / Cheap / Quick. Now, bear with me, but this sort of applies to holidays in Morocco. The values would be a mixture of Cheap, Friendly, Luxurious, Shambolic, Scary and Criminal.<P>
You kind of pick from the menu and there's your holiday. Tangier, for example, provided us with an unbelievably beautiful Riad with a junkie who slept on the door outside and a housekeeper who turned up every day to try and sell us hard drugs. Marrakech, in contrast, was really friendly, safe, and cost a little bit more.<P>
We went to Fes wondering what it would offer.
<P>Moroccan Passport Control is always fascinatingly horrible. In Tangier one man stood in a booth, daring us to complain as he slowly, slowly, processed an entire plane. In Marrakech eight people stood around watching two officers try and cope with several flights. If they weren't fast enough they'd nudge the Border Officer in the ribs, make a joke, then go for coffee.<P>
And Fes? Fes features a quiz. On your job. In French. I shudder to think how my friends in internet social engagement roll-out uptake management and cross -platform delivery would cope. Turns out, if you're claiming to be a writer, it's quite easy:
<BR>"Monsieur - les thrillers?" (He mimes a plane crash and an explosion)
<BR>"Er, oui."
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<P>We got to our riad. The owner had, in a rare moment of efficiency, decided that as we'd rented all of it, but there were only three of us, he'd hire out the other bedrooms. He actually was hoping we'd all share a room. "This is my old family home," he said with the pleasantness of a viper. "You will enjoy."
<P>We did not enjoy. We also did not enjoy realising that his definition of it being his old family home didn't stop it from also being his new family home. From dawn the place filled with a cluster of women and chainsmoking old men, all of them taking several hours to very loudly wash up three mint tea cups.
<P>We found somewhere else to stay. It was a lovely riad, recently refurbished, and (oh joy) with two resident cats. Also, the housekeeper would welcome us and then move out, leaving us in wonderful silence.
<P>Only, being Fes, it didn't work out that way. Nothing works out that way in Fes. The riad was so recently refurbished that the plumbing wasn't finished. Nor were the splendid fireplaces (for keeping your room cosy in those sub-zero desert nights). And the electricity (which Mr Diss assured us was "the very best electricity") hadn't been finished either. No hot water. No heaters. Actually, do you have to turn on that lightbulb?
<P>Our rooms were splendid. Huge and splendid. But you suddenly appreciate life in the Middle Ages when you're trying to heat something the size of a Norman Church using two tealights and a samizdat lightbulb.
<P>I have childhood memories of a film where an heiress is kidnapped and told by a gloating voice "You can have the light on, but it does wake up the killer ants in the walls". I found myself thinking of that a lot last week.
<P>By day we were in baffling five star luxury - basking on a sun terrace full of books and cats. Then night fell and sprained its ankle. Life was suddenly a vampire movie - picking our way back to our icy rooms, waiting to find the presents the cats had left us (I forgot to mention the poor things weren't house trained. Everywhere stank of cat piss. My friend Tim found a turd swirling around his feet in the shower. They tried their best. But without a litter tray, the cats picked what worked. One of them managed a decent job of pissing in the drain).
<P>The beds were unique - instead of proper mattresses, we had blocks of styrofoam. They were so hard that, if the place had caught fire, you'd ask your rescuers to politely move the waiting mattress out of the way before you jumped from the window. Imagine crawling into bed, wrapped up in all the new thermals you've bought, plus all your tshirts, and trying to make yourself comfortable on a brick.
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<P>Sometimes we'd go out at night, seeking heat. This was not a wise move.
<P>When you're walking through a Medina, you can expect a baffling amount of hassle. It's just cheery tourist bants. Of course it is. "My friend - that is closed! My friend! This way! This is good restaurant! You fat English shits."
<P>Fes took the Moroccan inability to accept English people pottering to extremes. While Joe Orton waxed lyrical about the dusky beauty of Moroccan youths, it's really completely uncharming being followed by a group of them down a narrowing street. Sometimes it turned out to be a cafe and you could duck in for tea. Sometimes it was a dead end, and you stood there, working out how long you could wait, shivering in the dark, before tiptoeing out.
<P>Back at the riad, we were making the best of it. The kitchen had yet to be renovated - but, with the practicality of a make-over montage, we went out and bought crockery, cutlery and spray bleach and made the best of it. We even learned to cope with the half hour it took the hot plate to make a cup of coffee. It was like Middle Class Hell: "Darling, we've an espresso maker and all the couscous but I just want to die".
<P>The problem was that our quaint English ways met no favour with Mr Diss. He used our crockery to feed the cats. So we hid it. I came in one morning to find he'd taken the coffee pot off the stove and was boiling tea instead. "You have this first, it is better." He also produced some green lentils and insisted we ate those for breakfast. It was very kind of him, but it would have been nice if he'd washed the cat plate before serving the lentils in them.
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<P>Mr Diss's gentle tyranny continued. Instead of leaving us to it, he was everywhere. You'd think it would be okay, and then he'd appear out of the shadows, treading that neat line between hospitality and the call is coming from inside the house. So worried was he about the precious electricity that he'd follow you down the stairs, turning off the lights as you went, plunging you into neck-breaking darkness. "Mr Diss!" you'd protest.
<P>"You good! You good!" he'd laugh from the darkness.
<P>Fes had some nice things. It had a very very nice out-of-town shopping centre. It was lovely and warm and was clearly near an international school - the staff there all spoke Weary English as a default. We realised why - the international school seemed to be completely full of American Students - either impossibly beautiful waify girls, or 19 year old versions of those old gay couples you find bickering their way through Waitrose. Best of all, the Carrefour had the prices written on everything.
<P>There's sometimes a joy to being ripped off in Morocco - the little light in a child's eyes when he knows he's got away with charging you 10p rather than 5p for a loaf of bread. But Fes takes this to extremes – the word “Special” acquires a sinister new meaning. “Special Price for you”, “This includes Special Service Charge”, and “Special Tourist Taxi Meter” (as in, I’ve just switched it off).
<P>The taxi to the airport skyrocketed in special special ways. The taxi driver’s manager was terribly apologetic about it all but just knew that we’d understand. It transpired that, since the journey had begun 20 minutes ago, the driver had enjoyed a payrise. Also, there was the high cost of fuel. And, sadly, so sorry, but also the cost of parking the taxi to wait for the next fare. So sorry, but still special price for you and you are welcome welcome to our lovely country.
<P>Bugger off, Fes. You make a man glad to crawl onto a RyanAir flight. Sometimes it's good to go on a horrible holiday. It makes you love the others more.
Skiphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15153208735469088823noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5648545.post-84937187077551188782016-11-23T16:01:00.001+00:002016-11-23T16:12:04.937+00:00Latest news from "Britain First"<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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The murderer of Jo Cox was sentenced today. At his trial, much was understandably made of him shouting "Britain First!" while carrying out the killing.<br />
I remember the immediate aftermath when that quote first surfaced. Twitter had people arguing that he'd instead said "Put Britain first" (therefore not directly allying himself with the fascist party). Britain First themselves rushed to distance themselves from the killer <a href="https://www.britainfirst.org/media-desperately-try-to-incriminate-britain-first-in-shooting-of-labour-mp-jo-cox-based-on-hearsay-and-unconfirmed-sources/">in their statement</a>. Sadly, someone quickly found pictures of the murderer at their rallies (if a rally is three men outside a drab shopping centre), cunning hidden on Britain First's Facebook page.<br />
At his trial, his neighbours continued to say he was a nice, quiet man - not in support of him, but with understandable bemusement. The guy in the flat opposite with a sofa in the garden, a large dog and a St George flag in the window? Yeah, probably a racist. But someone who mows the lawn, smiles to neighbours and keeps up with recycling? Surely not. People like that can't be racists... can they?<br />
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Among the latest news on Britain First's site is a <a href="http://www.britainfirst.org/islamisation-halal-restaurant-mumu-to-open-in-preston/">Press release about a halal steakhouse opening</a>. The headline is about "Islamisation", when the article demonstrates exactly the opposite. What could be more integrated than Muslims wanting to open a steakhouse selling "sweet potato fries". The press release also notes that "the meat comes from British butchers and farmers"... surely... surely this can't be a bad thing?<br />
The press release goes on to tell you it is "just 10 minutes walk from the city centre". Never has that phrase seemed more sinister. Perhaps, somehow those evil restaurateurs are planning on weaponising halal sticky BBQ ribs in a devastating attack on Preston Debenhams?<br />
The piece ends having told you when the restaurant opens and exactly where it is. It leaves it there, but you've now got enough information to skip mowing the lawn and, I dunno, go and stand outside wearing a t-shirt that wittily and subtly addresses the integrationism of a restaurant that serves mocktails.<br />
Of course, if you've not managed to take offense at this, up pops a survey asking if you agree "there should be an end to the cruel practice of halal slaughter?". Your options are "YES" and "CLOSE".<br />
There's your neat little takeaway to swap with your neighbour while you're recycling cardboard. "I've nothing against the Muslims. No it's not the colour of their skin, or their foreignness, or anything like that, no. It's the way they prepare their meat that really gets my goat".Skiphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15153208735469088823noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5648545.post-8352260202909988142016-10-02T10:29:00.003+00:002016-10-02T11:09:36.408+00:00Penny, Project Manager Of The Daleks<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Originally <a href="https://www.amazon.co.uk/Doctor-Who-History-Universe-Objects/dp/1849904812/">A History Of The Universe In 100 Objects</a> included a section where the Daleks hired a capable
project manager caled Penny to cast a professional eye over some of their plans…</div>
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<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b>INT. Earth, Bedfordshire c.2167</b><o:p></o:p></span></u></div>
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<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Thanks for the gift basket, by the way. A tin of
pineapple, some bread and an orange, how thoughtful.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">BLACK DALEK: Don’t mention it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Now, about Project: Degravitate…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">BLACK DALEK: Yes?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Well, why?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">BLACK DALEK: I’m sorry?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Forgive me, but why would you want to fly a planet
through space?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">BLACK DALEK: Look, we have our reasons.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Well, I’m just a little worried about drilling down to
the </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Earth’s core.</span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">BLACK DALEK: We dare to tamper with the forces of creation.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Yes, you dare, but isn’t there a danger of volcanic
activity?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Black: In Bedfordshire? I hardly think so.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Ohh-kay…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<br />
***<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="Script">
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b>INT. Skaro, Dalek city, c.2265<o:p></o:p></b></span></u></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">DALEK SUPREME: Well what do you think?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Well, first off, I really like the time machine.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">DALEK: But…?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: It’s Stage 2 I’m worried about.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">DALEK: What’s wrong with ‘Infiltrate and kill’?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Nothing per se – I’ve just a teensy worry about building
a robot duplicate.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">DALEK: It will be a success! A paramount success! It will be
completely indistinguishable from the original!</span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Yes, that’s what worries me. What if you get them
confused?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<br /></div>
<div class="Script">
***<br />
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b><br /></b></span></u>
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b>INT. Kembel, 4000<o:p></o:p></b></span></u></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">DALEK SUPREME: Ultimate success is within our grasp! The
Galactic Alliance have joined with us! They are even giving us a full emm of
Taranium! They’re actually building the Time Destructor for us! The fools!</span><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY:</span><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"> This Time Destructor…</span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">DALEK SUPREME: Will age everything to death within seconds,
yes.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Within what kind of radius?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">DALEK SUPREME: A very, very big one!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br />PENNY: Oh dear.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">DALEK SUPREME: What?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<br /></div>
<div class="Script">
***<br />
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b><br /></b></span></u>
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b>INT. Skaro, Dalek city, 41st century</b><o:p></o:p></span></u></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">EMPEROR DALEK: Report!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Well, there’s good news and bad.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">EMPEROR DALEK: Explain!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Your plan to spread the Dalek Factor through all of
space and time – I can’t fault that bit…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">EMPEROR DALEK: But!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Explain how your Arch works again…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">EMPEROR DALEK: Anything that passes through the Arch will be
infected with the Dalek Factor! They will obey without question! All Daleks will pass through the Arch! To Make Sure!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: All the same…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">EMPEROR DALEK: What! Let's not fight in here!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: I’m just wondering – what if someone switched the Human
Factor with the Dalek Factor…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<br /></div>
<div class="Script">
***<br />
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b><br /></b></span></u>
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b>INT. Earth, 22nd century</b><o:p></o:p></span></u><br />
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b><br /></b></span></u></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">GOLD DALEK: We will follow the rebels back through time! We
will make sure they blow up the peace conference! Our timeline will be assured!<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: You know, if it were up to me, I’d be tempted to leave
well alone…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<br /></div>
<div class="Script">
***<br />
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b><br /></b></span></u>
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b>INT. Skaro, Kaled bunker, <i>c.</i>1450</b><o:p></o:p></span></u></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">DAVROS: … and I am proudest of this red button. It is my
greatest achievement!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: So pressing it will blow up all the Daleks?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">DAVROS: Every single one. Such power will set me up among the
gods!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Penny: Hmm…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<br /></div>
<div class="Script">
***<br />
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b><br /></b></span></u>
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b>INT. Dalek command fleet, c.4500</b><o:p></o:p></span></u></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">SUPREME DALEK: Davros will help us win our war against the
Movellans!<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: But you exterminated him!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">SUPREME DALEK: Davros is not the type to bear a grudge.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Penny: But he’s ordered all your forces to go and blow up the
Movellan ship.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">SUPREME DALEK: Correct. They will press themselves against the
hull.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Are you absolutely sure there’s no other way of blowing
it up?<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">SUPREME DALEK: We’re out of Taranium.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<br /></div>
<div class="Script">
***<br />
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b><br /></b></span></u>
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b>INT. Dalek battle cruiser, <i>c.</i>4590</b><o:p></o:p></span></u></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">SUPREME DALEK: Davros will help us win our fight against the
Movellans!<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: But—<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">SUPREME DALEK: And while he isolates the Movellan virus, our
robot duplicates will position themselves in Earth’s government and take control
of the planet!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: I—<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">SUPREME DALEK: AND while they’re doing that, our duplicates of
the Doctor and his associates will return to Gallifrey and assassinate the
members of the High Council!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: I…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">SUPREME DALEK: Well? Are you not impressed? Speak!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: It’s just, you know, we talked about trying to do just
one thing well?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">SUPREME DALEK: I was listening.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Sure you were. I’m also going to raise the issue of that
prison ship. I’m coming back to it having a big red auto-destruct button. Those
things never work out well for you.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">SUPREME DALEK: Unimportant! Davros must be allowed to work on
the virus!<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Now, see, I’m also worried about that…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<br />
***<br />
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b><br /></b></span></u></div>
<div class="Script">
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b>INT. Skaro, 47th century, Meeting Room</b><o:p></o:p></span></u></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">SUPREME DALEK: We will bring Davros back to Skaro and place him
on trial!<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: (sighs) Are there any more pastries?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<br /></div>
<div class="Script">
***<br />
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b><br /></b></span></u>
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b>INT. Skaro, 47th century</b><o:p></o:p></span></u></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">DAVROS: Locating the Hand of Omega will give us mastery of the
Time Vortex.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Sorry, but how?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">DAVROS: By sending a sun supernova!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Do you know which one?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">DAVROS: I’ll look into it and get back to you.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<br /></div>
<div class="Script">
***<br />
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b><br /></b></span></u>
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b>INT. Dalek saucer, 200,100<o:p></o:p></b></span></u></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">DALEK EMPEROR: I shall purify the Earth with fire!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: But don’t you also want to harvest the Earth’s
population?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">DALEK EMPEROR: Yes.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Bad Wolf.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">DALEK EMPEROR: I’m sorry?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Nothing.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<br /></div>
<div class="Script">
***<br />
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b><br /></b></span></u>
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b>INT. Dalek Crucible, 2009</b><o:p></o:p></span></u></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Let me run through the bullet points – the Reality Bomb
will wipe out not just all life in the universe, but also all matter?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">SUPREME DALEK: Yes. In this universe and all universes.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Lovely! Including you?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">SUPREME DALEK: We’re still fine-tuning the granularity on that.
But yes. Pretty much everything. Apart from Adelaide Brook.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Who?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">SUPREME DALEK: Don’t know. But anyway, everything but her.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: And can I check… there isn’t a big red auto-destruct
button is there?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">SUPREME DALEK: No, no. We’re on top of that one this time.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Excellent.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">SUPREME DALEK: Oh no. We’ve replaced it with a big red button
that will reverse the effects of the Reality Bomb.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Ah.</span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="Script">
***<br />
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b><br /></b></span></u>
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b>INT. Dalek saucer, <span style="font-variant-caps: small-caps; font-variant-numeric: normal;">ad</span>
102<o:p></o:p></b></span></u></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">DALEK SUPREME: … and so that’s why we are forming the Pandorica
Alliance!<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Really? What will happen if you don’t?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">DALEK SUPREME: All life will be wiped out in this universe and
all universes.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: I thought that was what you wanted last time?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">DALEK SUPREME: Really? You sure? It’s just the Drahvins did a
very good Powerpoint.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Gosh, is that the time? Must dash. I’ve got a meeting
with the Silence. They’re planning on invading the Earth at the dawn of time in
order to build a spacesuit.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">DALEK SUPREME: You are kidding.</span><br />
<br />
***<br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"></span><br />
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b><br /></b></span></u></div>
<div class="Script">
<o:p></o:p></div>
Skiphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15153208735469088823noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5648545.post-51610739223794924962016-10-02T10:29:00.002+00:002016-10-02T11:08:56.845+00:00Penny, Project Manager Of The Daleks<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://vignette1.wikia.nocookie.net/monstermovies/images/3/37/GoldE.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20130910004212" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://vignette1.wikia.nocookie.net/monstermovies/images/3/37/GoldE.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20130910004212" height="320" width="269" /></a></div>
<div class="Subhead1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Subhead1">
Originally <a href="https://www.amazon.co.uk/Doctor-Who-History-Universe-Objects/dp/1849904812/">A History Of The Universe In 100 Objects</a> included a section where the Daleks hired a capable
project manager caled Penny to cast a professional eye over some of their plans…</div>
<div class="Maintext1">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="Script">
<br /></div>
<div class="Script">
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b>INT. Earth, Bedfordshire c.2167</b><o:p></o:p></span></u></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Thanks for the gift basket, by the way. A tin of
pineapple, some bread and an orange, how thoughtful.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">BLACK DALEK: Don’t mention it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Now, about Project: Degravitate…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">BLACK DALEK: Yes?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Well, why?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">BLACK DALEK: I’m sorry?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Forgive me, but why would you want to fly a planet
through space?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">BLACK DALEK: Look, we have our reasons.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Well, I’m just a little worried about drilling down to
the </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Earth’s core.</span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">BLACK DALEK: We dare to tamper with the forces of creation.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Yes, you dare, but isn’t there a danger of volcanic
activity?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Black: In Bedfordshire? I hardly think so.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Ohh-kay…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<br />
***<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="Script">
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b>INT. Skaro, Dalek city, c.2265<o:p></o:p></b></span></u></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">DALEK SUPREME: Well what do you think?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Well, first off, I really like the time machine.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">DALEK: But…?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: It’s Stage 2 I’m worried about.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">DALEK: What’s wrong with ‘Infiltrate and kill’?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Nothing per se – I’ve just a teensy worry about building
a robot duplicate.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">DALEK: It will be a success! A paramount success! It will be
completely indistinguishable from the original!</span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Yes, that’s what worries me. What if you get them
confused?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<br /></div>
<div class="Script">
***<br />
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b><br /></b></span></u>
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b>INT. Kembel, 4000<o:p></o:p></b></span></u></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">DALEK SUPREME: Ultimate success is within our grasp! The
Galactic Alliance have joined with us! They are even giving us a full emm of
Taranium! They’re actually building the Time Destructor for us! The fools!</span><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY:</span><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"> This Time Destructor…</span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">DALEK SUPREME: Will age everything to death within seconds,
yes.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Within what kind of radius?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">DALEK SUPREME: A very, very big one!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br />PENNY: Oh dear.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">DALEK SUPREME: What?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<br /></div>
<div class="Script">
***<br />
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b><br /></b></span></u>
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b>INT. Skaro, Dalek city, 41st century</b><o:p></o:p></span></u></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">EMPEROR DALEK: Report!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Well, there’s good news and bad.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">EMPEROR DALEK: Explain!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Your plan to spread the Dalek Factor through all of
space and time – I can’t fault that bit…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">EMPEROR DALEK: But!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Explain how your Arch works again…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">EMPEROR DALEK: Anything that passes through the Arch will be
infected with the Dalek Factor! They will obey without question! All Daleks will pass through the Arch! To Make Sure!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: All the same…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">EMPEROR DALEK: What! Let's not fight in here!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: I’m just wondering – what if someone switched the Human
Factor with the Dalek Factor…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<br /></div>
<div class="Script">
***<br />
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b><br /></b></span></u>
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b>INT. Earth, 22nd century</b><o:p></o:p></span></u><br />
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b><br /></b></span></u></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">GOLD DALEK: We will follow the rebels back through time! We
will make sure they blow up the peace conference! Our timeline will be assured!<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: You know, if it were up to me, I’d be tempted to leave
well alone…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<br /></div>
<div class="Script">
***<br />
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b><br /></b></span></u>
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b>INT. Skaro, Kaled bunker, <i>c.</i>1450</b><o:p></o:p></span></u></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">DAVROS: … and I am proudest of this red button. It is my
greatest achievement!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: So pressing it will blow up all the Daleks?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">DAVROS: Every single one. Such power will set me up among the
gods!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Penny: Hmm…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<br /></div>
<div class="Script">
***<br />
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b><br /></b></span></u>
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b>INT. Dalek command fleet, c.4500</b><o:p></o:p></span></u></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">SUPREME DALEK: Davros will help us win our war against the
Movellans!<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: But you exterminated him!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">SUPREME DALEK: Davros is not the type to bear a grudge.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Penny: But he’s ordered all your forces to go and blow up the
Movellan ship.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">SUPREME DALEK: Correct. They will press themselves against the
hull.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Are you absolutely sure there’s no other way of blowing
it up?<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">SUPREME DALEK: We’re out of Taranium.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<br /></div>
<div class="Script">
***<br />
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b><br /></b></span></u>
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b>INT. Dalek battle cruiser, <i>c.</i>4590</b><o:p></o:p></span></u></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">SUPREME DALEK: Davros will help us win our fight against the
Movellans!<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: But—<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">SUPREME DALEK: And while he isolates the Movellan virus, our
robot duplicates will position themselves in Earth’s government and take control
of the planet!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: I—<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">SUPREME DALEK: AND while they’re doing that, our duplicates of
the Doctor and his associates will return to Gallifrey and assassinate the
members of the High Council!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: I…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">SUPREME DALEK: Well? Are you not impressed? Speak!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: It’s just, you know, we talked about trying to do just
one thing well?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">SUPREME DALEK: I was listening.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Sure you were. I’m also going to raise the issue of that
prison ship. I’m coming back to it having a big red auto-destruct button. Those
things never work out well for you.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">SUPREME DALEK: Unimportant! Davros must be allowed to work on
the virus!<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Now, see, I’m also worried about that…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<br />
***<br />
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b><br /></b></span></u></div>
<div class="Script">
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b>INT. Skaro, 47th century, Meeting Room</b><o:p></o:p></span></u></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">SUPREME DALEK: We will bring Davros back to Skaro and place him
on trial!<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: (sighs) Are there any more pastries?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<br /></div>
<div class="Script">
***<br />
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b><br /></b></span></u>
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b>INT. Skaro, 47th century</b><o:p></o:p></span></u></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">DAVROS: Locating the Hand of Omega will give us mastery of the
Time Vortex.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Sorry, but how?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">DAVROS: By sending a sun supernova!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Do you know which one?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">DAVROS: I’ll look into it and get back to you.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<br /></div>
<div class="Script">
***<br />
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b><br /></b></span></u>
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b>INT. Dalek saucer, 200,100<o:p></o:p></b></span></u></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">DALEK EMPEROR: I shall purify the Earth with fire!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: But don’t you also want to harvest the Earth’s
population?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">DALEK EMPEROR: Yes.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Bad Wolf.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">DALEK EMPEROR: I’m sorry?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Nothing.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<br /></div>
<div class="Script">
***<br />
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b><br /></b></span></u>
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b>INT. Dalek Crucible, 2009</b><o:p></o:p></span></u></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Let me run through the bullet points – the Reality Bomb
will wipe out not just all life in the universe, but also all matter?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">SUPREME DALEK: Yes. In this universe and all universes.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Lovely! Including you?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">SUPREME DALEK: We’re still fine-tuning the granularity on that.
But yes. Pretty much everything. Apart from Adelaide Brook.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Who?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">SUPREME DALEK: Don’t know. But anyway, everything but her.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: And can I check… there isn’t a big red auto-destruct
button is there?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">SUPREME DALEK: No, no. We’re on top of that one this time.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Excellent.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">SUPREME DALEK: Oh no. We’ve replaced it with a big red button
that will reverse the effects of the Reality Bomb.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Ah.</span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="Script">
***<br />
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b><br /></b></span></u>
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b>INT. Dalek saucer, <span style="font-variant-caps: small-caps; font-variant-numeric: normal;">ad</span>
102<o:p></o:p></b></span></u></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">DALEK SUPREME: … and so that’s why we are forming the Pandorica
Alliance!<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Really? What will happen if you don’t?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">DALEK SUPREME: All life will be wiped out in this universe and
all universes.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: I thought that was what you wanted last time?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">DALEK SUPREME: Really? You sure? It’s just the Drahvins did a
very good Powerpoint.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Gosh, is that the time? Must dash. I’ve got a meeting
with the Silence. They’re planning on invading the Earth at the dawn of time in
order to build a spacesuit.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">DALEK SUPREME: You are kidding.</span><br />
<br />
***<br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"></span><br />
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b><br /></b></span></u></div>
<div class="Script">
<o:p></o:p></div>
Skiphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15153208735469088823noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5648545.post-45939793473481904892016-10-02T10:29:00.001+00:002016-10-02T11:08:16.201+00:00Penny, Project Manager Of The Daleks<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://vignette1.wikia.nocookie.net/monstermovies/images/3/37/GoldE.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20130910004212" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://vignette1.wikia.nocookie.net/monstermovies/images/3/37/GoldE.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20130910004212" height="320" width="269" /></a></div>
<div class="Subhead1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Subhead1">
Originally <a href="https://www.amazon.co.uk/Doctor-Who-History-Universe-Objects/dp/1849904812/">A History Of The Universe In 100 Objects</a> included a section where the Daleks hired a capable
project manager caled Penny to cast a professional eye over some of their plans…</div>
<div class="Maintext1">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="Script">
<br /></div>
<div class="Script">
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b>INT. Earth, Bedfordshire c.2167</b><o:p></o:p></span></u></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Thanks for the gift basket, by the way. A tin of
pineapple, some bread and an orange, how thoughtful.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">BLACK DALEK: Don’t mention it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Now, about Project: Degravitate…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">BLACK DALEK: Yes?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Well, why?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">BLACK DALEK: I’m sorry?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Forgive me, but why would you want to fly a planet
through space?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">BLACK DALEK: Look, we have our reasons.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Well, I’m just a little worried about drilling down to
the </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Earth’s core.</span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">BLACK DALEK: We dare to tamper with the forces of creation.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Yes, you dare, but isn’t there a danger of volcanic
activity?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Black: In Bedfordshire? I hardly think so.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Ohh-kay…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<br />
***<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="Script">
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b>INT. Skaro, Dalek city, c.2265<o:p></o:p></b></span></u></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">DALEK SUPREME: Well what do you think?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Well, first off, I really like the time machine.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">DALEK: But…?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: It’s Stage 2 I’m worried about.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">DALEK: What’s wrong with ‘Infiltrate and kill’?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Nothing per se – I’ve just a teensy worry about building
a robot duplicate.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">DALEK: It will be a success! A paramount success! It will be
completely indistinguishable from the original!</span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Yes, that’s what worries me. What if you get them
confused?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<br /></div>
<div class="Script">
***<br />
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b><br /></b></span></u>
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b>INT. Kembel, 4000<o:p></o:p></b></span></u></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">DALEK SUPREME: Ultimate success is within our grasp! The
Galactic Alliance have joined with us! They are even giving us a full emm of
Taranium! They’re actually building the Time Destructor for us! The fools!</span><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY:</span><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"> This Time Destructor…</span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">DALEK SUPREME: Will age everything to death within seconds,
yes.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Within what kind of radius?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">DALEK SUPREME: A very, very big one!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br />PENNY: Oh dear.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">DALEK SUPREME: What?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<br /></div>
<div class="Script">
***<br />
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b><br /></b></span></u>
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b>INT. Skaro, Dalek city, 41st century</b><o:p></o:p></span></u></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">EMPEROR DALEK: Report!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Well, there’s good news and bad.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">EMPEROR DALEK: Explain!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Your plan to spread the Dalek Factor through all of
space and time – I can’t fault that bit…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">EMPEROR DALE: But!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Explain how your Arch works again…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">EMPEROR DALEK: Anything that passes through the Arch will be
infected with the Dalek Factor! They will obey without question! All Daleks will pass through the Arch! To Make Sure!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: All the same…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">EMPEROR DALEK: What! Let's not fight in here!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: I’m just wondering – what if someone switched the Human
Factor with the Dalek Factor…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<br /></div>
<div class="Script">
***<br />
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b><br /></b></span></u>
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b>INT. Earth, 22nd century</b><o:p></o:p></span></u><br />
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b><br /></b></span></u></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">GOLD DALEK: We will follow the rebels back through time! We
will make sure they blow up the peace conference! Our timeline will be assured!<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: You know, if it were up to me, I’d be tempted to leave
well alone…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<br /></div>
<div class="Script">
***<br />
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b><br /></b></span></u>
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b>INT. Skaro, Kaled bunker, <i>c.</i>1450</b><o:p></o:p></span></u></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">DAVROS: … and I am proudest of this red button. It is my
greatest achievement!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: So pressing it will blow up all the Daleks?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">DAVROS: Every single one. Such power will set me up among the
gods!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Penny: Hmm…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<br /></div>
<div class="Script">
***<br />
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b><br /></b></span></u>
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b>INT. Dalek command fleet, c.4500</b><o:p></o:p></span></u></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">SUPREME DALEK: Davros will help us win our war against the
Movellans!<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: But you exterminated him!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">SUPREME DALEK: Davros is not the type to bear a grudge.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Penny: But he’s ordered all your forces to go and blow up the
Movellan ship.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">SUPREME DALEK: Correct. They will press themselves against the
hull.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Are you absolutely sure there’s no other way of blowing
it up?<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">SUPREME DALEK: We’re out of Taranium.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<br /></div>
<div class="Script">
***<br />
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b><br /></b></span></u>
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b>INT. Dalek battle cruiser, <i>c.</i>4590</b><o:p></o:p></span></u></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">SUPREME DALEK: Davros will help us win our fight against the
Movellans!<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: But—<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">SUPREME DALEK: And while he isolates the Movellan virus, our
robot duplicates will position themselves in Earth’s government and take control
of the planet!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: I—<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">SUPREME DALEK: AND while they’re doing that, our duplicates of
the Doctor and his associates will return to Gallifrey and assassinate the
members of the High Council!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: I…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">SUPREME DALEK: Well? Are you not impressed? Speak!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: It’s just, you know, we talked about trying to do just
one thing well?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">SUPREME DALEK: I was listening.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Sure you were. I’m also going to raise the issue of that
prison ship. I’m coming back to it having a big red auto-destruct button. Those
things never work out well for you.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">SUPREME DALEK: Unimportant! Davros must be allowed to work on
the virus!<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Now, see, I’m also worried about that…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<br />
***<br />
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b><br /></b></span></u></div>
<div class="Script">
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b>INT. Skaro, 47th century, Meeting Room</b><o:p></o:p></span></u></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">SUPREME DALEK: We will bring Davros back to Skaro and place him
on trial!<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: (sighs) Are there any more pastries?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<br /></div>
<div class="Script">
***<br />
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b><br /></b></span></u>
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b>INT. Skaro, 47th century</b><o:p></o:p></span></u></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">DAVROS: Locating the Hand of Omega will give us mastery of the
Time Vortex.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Sorry, but how?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">DAVROS: By sending a sun supernova!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Do you know which one?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">DAVROS: I’ll look into it and get back to you.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<br /></div>
<div class="Script">
***<br />
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b><br /></b></span></u>
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b>INT. Dalek saucer, 200,100<o:p></o:p></b></span></u></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">DALEK EMPEROR: I shall purify the Earth with fire!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: But don’t you also want to harvest the Earth’s
population?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">DALEK EMPEROR: Yes.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Bad Wolf.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">DALEK EMPEROR: I’m sorry?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Nothing.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<br /></div>
<div class="Script">
***<br />
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b><br /></b></span></u>
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b>INT. Dalek Crucible, 2009</b><o:p></o:p></span></u></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Let me run through the bullet points – the Reality Bomb
will wipe out not just all life in the universe, but also all matter?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">SUPREME DALEK: Yes. In this universe and all universes.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Lovely! Including you?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">SUPREME DALEK: We’re still fine-tuning the granularity on that.
But yes. Pretty much everything. Apart from Adelaide Brook.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Who?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">SUPREME DALEK: Don’t know. But anyway, everything but her.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: And can I check… there isn’t a big red auto-destruct
button is there?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">SUPREME DALEK: No, no. We’re on top of that one this time.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Excellent.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">SUPREME DALEK: Oh no. We’ve replaced it with a big red button
that will reverse the effects of the Reality Bomb.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Ah.</span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="Script">
***<br />
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b><br /></b></span></u>
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b>INT. Dalek saucer, <span style="font-variant-caps: small-caps; font-variant-numeric: normal;">ad</span>
102<o:p></o:p></b></span></u></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">DALEK SUPREME: … and so that’s why we are forming the Pandorica
Alliance!<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Really? What will happen if you don’t?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">DALEK SUPREME: All life will be wiped out in this universe and
all universes.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: I thought that was what you wanted last time?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">DALEK SUPREME: Really? You sure? It’s just the Drahvins did a
very good Powerpoint.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Gosh, is that the time? Must dash. I’ve got a meeting
with the Silence. They’re planning on invading the Earth at the dawn of time in
order to build a spacesuit.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">DALEK SUPREME: You are kidding.</span><br />
<br />
***<br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"></span><br />
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b><br /></b></span></u></div>
<div class="Script">
<o:p></o:p></div>
Skiphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15153208735469088823noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5648545.post-63262430142116649432016-10-02T10:29:00.000+00:002016-10-02T11:05:03.706+00:00Penny, Project Manager Of The Daleks<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://vignette1.wikia.nocookie.net/monstermovies/images/3/37/GoldE.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20130910004212" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://vignette1.wikia.nocookie.net/monstermovies/images/3/37/GoldE.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20130910004212" height="320" width="269" /></a></div>
<div class="Subhead1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Subhead1">
Originally <a href="https://www.amazon.co.uk/Doctor-Who-History-Universe-Objects/dp/1849904812/">A History Of The Universe In 100 Objects</a> included a section where the Daleks hired a capable
project manager caled Penny to cast a professional eye over some of their plans…</div>
<div class="Maintext1">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="Script">
<br /></div>
<div class="Script">
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b>INT. Earth, Bedfordshire c.2167</b><o:p></o:p></span></u></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Thanks for the gift basket, by the way. A tin of
pineapple, some bread and an orange, how thoughtful.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">BLACK DALEK: Don’t mention it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Now, about Project: Degravitate…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">BLACK DALEK: Yes?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Well, why?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">BLACK DALEK: I’m sorry?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Forgive me, but why would you want to fly a planet
through space?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">BLACK DALEK: Look, we have our reasons.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Well, I’m just a little worried about drilling down to
the </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new", courier, monospace;">Earth’s core.</span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">BLACK DALEK: We dare to tamper with the forces of creation.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Yes, you dare, but isn’t there a danger of volcanic
activity?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Black: In Bedfordshire? I hardly think so.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Ohh-kay…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<br /></div>
<div class="Script">
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b>INT. Skaro, Dalek city, c.2265<o:p></o:p></b></span></u></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">DALEK SUPREME: Well what do you think?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Well, first off, I really like the time machine.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">DALEK: But…?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: It’s Stage 2 I’m worried about.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">DALEK: What’s wrong with ‘Infiltrate and kill’?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Nothing per se – I’ve just a teensy worry about building
a robot duplicate.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new", courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new", courier, monospace;">DALEK: It will be a success! A paramount success! It will be
completely indistinguishable from the original!</span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Yes, that’s what worries me. What if you get them
confused?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<br /></div>
<div class="Script">
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b>INT. Kembel, 4000<o:p></o:p></b></span></u></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">DALEK SUPREME: Ultimate success is within our grasp! The
Galactic Alliance have joined with us! They are even giving us a full emm of
Taranium! They’re actually building the Time Destructor for us! The fools!</span><span style="font-family: "courier new", courier, monospace;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new", courier, monospace;">PENNY:</span><span style="font-family: "courier new", courier, monospace;"> This Time Destructor…</span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">DALEK SUPREME: Will age everything to death within seconds,
yes.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Within what kind of radius?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">DALEK SUPREME: A very, very big one!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br />PENNY: Oh dear.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">DALEK SUPREME: What?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<br /></div>
<div class="Script">
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b>INT. Skaro, Dalek city, 41st century</b><o:p></o:p></span></u></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">EMPEROR DALEK: Report!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Well, there’s good news and bad.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">EMPEROR DALEK: Explain!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Your plan to spread the Dalek Factor through all of
space and time – I can’t fault that bit…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">EMPEROR DALE: But!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Explain how your Arch works again…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">EMPEROR DALEK: Anything that passes through the Arch will be
infected with the Dalek Factor! They will obey without question! All Daleks will pass through the Arch! To Make Sure!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: All the same…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">EMPEROR DALEK: What! Let's not fight in here!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: I’m just wondering – what if someone switched the Human
Factor with the Dalek Factor…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<br /></div>
<div class="Script">
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b>INT. Earth, 22nd century</b><o:p></o:p></span></u><br />
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b><br /></b></span></u></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">GOLD DALEK: We will follow the rebels back through time! We
will make sure they blow up the peace conference! Our timeline will be assured!<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: You know, if it were up to me, I’d be tempted to leave
well alone…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<br /></div>
<div class="Script">
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b>INT. Skaro, Kaled bunker, <i>c.</i>1450</b><o:p></o:p></span></u></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">DAVROS: … and I am proudest of this red button. It is my
greatest achievement!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: So pressing it will blow up all the Daleks?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">DAVROS: Every single one. Such power will set me up among the
gods!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Penny: Hmm…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<br /></div>
<div class="Script">
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b>INT. Dalek command fleet, c.4500</b><o:p></o:p></span></u></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">SUPREME DALEK: Davros will help us win our war against the
Movellans!<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: But you exterminated him!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">SUPREME DALEK: Davros is not the type to bear a grudge.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Penny: But he’s ordered all your forces to go and blow up the
Movellan ship.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">SUPREME DALEK: Correct. They will press themselves against the
hull.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Are you absolutely sure there’s no other way of blowing
it up?<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">SUPREME DALEK: We’re out of Taranium.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<br /></div>
<div class="Script">
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b>INT. Dalek battle cruiser, <i>c.</i>4590</b><o:p></o:p></span></u></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">SUPREME DALEK: Davros will help us win our fight against the
Movellans!<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: But—<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">SUPREME DALEK: And while he isolates the Movellan virus, our
robot duplicates will position themselves in Earth’s government and take control
of the planet!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: I—<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">SUPREME DALEK: AND while they’re doing that, our duplicates of
the Doctor and his associates will return to Gallifrey and assassinate the
members of the High Council!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: I…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">SUPREME DALEK: Well? Are you not impressed? Speak!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: It’s just, you know, we talked about trying to do just
one thing well?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">SUPREME DALE: I was listening.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Sure you were. I’m also going to raise the issue of that
prison ship. I’m coming back to it having a big red auto-destruct button. Those
things never work out well for you.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">SUPREME DALEK: Unimportant! Davros must be allowed to work on
the virus!<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Now, see, I’m also worried about that…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<br /></div>
<div class="Script">
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b>INT. Skaro, 47th century, Meeting Room</b><o:p></o:p></span></u></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">SUPREME DALEK: We will bring Davros back to Skaro and place him
on trial!<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: (sighs) Are there any more pastries?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<br /></div>
<div class="Script">
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b>INT. Skaro, 47th century</b><o:p></o:p></span></u></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">DAVROS: Locating the Hand of Omega will give us mastery of the
Time Vortex.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Sorry, but how?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">DAVROS: By sending a sun supernova!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Do you know which one?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">DAVROS: I’ll look into it and get back to you.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<br /></div>
<div class="Script">
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b>INT. Dalek saucer, 200,100<o:p></o:p></b></span></u></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">DALEK EMPEROR: I shall purify the Earth with fire!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: But don’t you also want to harvest the Earth’s
population?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">DALEK EMPEROR: Yes.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Bad Wolf.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">DALEK EMPEROR: I’m sorry?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Nothing.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<br /></div>
<div class="Script">
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b>INT. Dalek Crucible, 2009</b><o:p></o:p></span></u></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Let me run through the bullet points – the Reality Bomb
will wipe out not just all life in the universe, but also all matter?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">SUPREME DALEK: Yes. In this universe and all universes.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Lovely! Including you?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">SUPREME DALEK: We’re still fine-tuning the granularity on that.
But yes. Pretty much everything. Apart from Adelaide Brook.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Who?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">SUPREME DALEK: Don’t know. But anyway, everything but her.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: And can I check… there isn’t a big red auto-destruct
button is there?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">SUPREME DALEK: No, no. We’re on top of that one this time.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Excellent.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">SUPREME DALEK: Oh no. We’ve replaced it with a big red button
that will reverse the effects of the Reality Bomb.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Ah.</span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<u><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b>INT. Dalek saucer, <span style="font-variant-caps: small-caps; font-variant-numeric: normal;">ad</span>
102<o:p></o:p></b></span></u></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">DALEK SUPREME: … and so that’s why we are forming the Pandorica
Alliance!<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Really? What will happen if you don’t?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">DALEK SUPREME: All life will be wiped out in this universe and
all universes.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: I thought that was what you wanted last time?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">DALEK SUPREME: Really? You sure? It’s just the Drahvins did a
very good Powerpoint.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="Script">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">PENNY: Gosh, is that the time? Must dash. I’ve got a meeting
with the Silence. They’re planning on invading the Earth at the dawn of time in
order to build a spacesuit.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new", courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new", courier, monospace;">DALEK SUPREME: You are kidding.</span></div>
<div class="Script">
<o:p></o:p></div>
Skiphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15153208735469088823noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5648545.post-68827560930306880342016-06-13T20:38:00.001+00:002016-06-13T20:38:15.674+00:00On vigils and laughterA rare good thing is that I haven't been to enough vigils. The Old Compton Street vigil for the shootings in Orlando was everything it should have been - short, sad, and packed.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizyLsPMJOe0auyWxSW_Lp1h8WYK5mX2hFwHLrnw6u6-w959r7zNi4CQ88nnYrVSejU0Fq8ZLO6gTm1pzp3HWQxsvAXTA3U_aYN1DsMukr9i2rsX64ARFcRXZVex6YzbGSDM_Ff/s1600/IMG_5011.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizyLsPMJOe0auyWxSW_Lp1h8WYK5mX2hFwHLrnw6u6-w959r7zNi4CQ88nnYrVSejU0Fq8ZLO6gTm1pzp3HWQxsvAXTA3U_aYN1DsMukr9i2rsX64ARFcRXZVex6YzbGSDM_Ff/s320/IMG_5011.JPG" width="239" /></a></div>
<br />
Soho did itself proud. Half an hour before, Soho was full of gay men roaring into their phones "Where are you? I can't see you!" just as it should be.<br />
<br />
Twenty minutes before people were taking selfies and asking each other what the hashtag was.<br />
<br />
Ten minutes before, the whole street, and (it felt) most of Soho had turned into one giant crowd. The crowd stepped to one side as a man swept through. "Oh my god," a woman shouted into her phone, "Jeremy Corbyn's standing behind me."<br />
"Yes, yes I am," he said, grinned and moved on.<br />
<br />
Just as the silence began I realised the sad truth that there are two bad things about vigils:<br />
1) The utterly horrible events which have led to a vigil.<br />
2) The people standing next to you.<br />
<br />
There were two girls stood behind us. It was, perhaps, their first vigil. Maybe that was it. It was lovely that they'd come, but they got a few bits wrong. Most notably, the silence. They weren't alone in this. As the three minutes began, a news anchor was saying "And standing behind me, a crowd of London's gay community stands in respectful silence to mark...". But, I'd like to reassure whichever broadcaster it was that your reporter was not the worst. It was definitely the two girls behind me.<br />
<br />
They started by giggling. Then they filmed some of the silence. I know this because they stopped and replayed their recording after a few seconds. "Oh, it's sooo quiet," one of them laughed. Then, shushing each other like they were being thrillingly naughty at the school play, they tried to be silent. Until someone let go of a balloon. "OH MY GOD BALLOON!" they both shouted.<br />
<br />
A crowd can be many things. It can be angry. It can be righteous. It can be powerful. It can also be all of these things whilst staring very hard at two girls laughing through the silence. The man in front of us managed to glare at them, and he was sobbing helplessly at the same time. But, the thing is, much as I wish those two girls flat phone batteries and no retweets for the rest of their lives, they came.<br />
<br />
And then it was over. There was noise. There was applause. There was some singing. And, surprisingly and brilliantly, despite all the Important People who had turned up, there were no speeches. There was just a large group of people being mostly silent and very sad.Skiphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15153208735469088823noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5648545.post-47398015590497942662016-03-16T15:24:00.000+00:002016-03-16T15:24:00.904+00:00On watching Aknaten and my love of minimalism<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipT07ZjFnUKHZsvLcsEo_3zAF0P4qygAd5ZYehhmYh8i4vbxye_Cp9gzUDB6icr3BhWttUtH-CPqotAyYRmHqQDL9mHloGJsXRV1JJNVM0F6Cii0vYyVhKOCyl8D0l2QeELQ4L/s1600/akhnaten.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipT07ZjFnUKHZsvLcsEo_3zAF0P4qygAd5ZYehhmYh8i4vbxye_Cp9gzUDB6icr3BhWttUtH-CPqotAyYRmHqQDL9mHloGJsXRV1JJNVM0F6Cii0vYyVhKOCyl8D0l2QeELQ4L/s320/akhnaten.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
We weren't expecting the Pharaoh's cock. As it swung slowly slowly down the stage in time to the slow slow music, the audience did that thing when confronted with a sudden penis. It leaned forward. The woman next to me raised her opera glasses.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
It's strange seeing a penis you're not expecting to have sex with. It just looks silly. A placeholder until something better comes along. The lorem ipsum of genitalia. And yet, for the gays in the audience (and there were a lot of us) it provided something you don't quite expect from a Philip Glass opera - titillation. Pharaoh hadn't just been to the gym.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I wonder how you cast the pharaoh's penis? I know actors now expect to be asked how they look shirtless. But this is something else. Imagine the audition: "Can you sing really high? Lovely. And do you look good with your top off? Marvellous. Finally, have you a todger that'd frighten a horse?"</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
An even bigger thing than Akhnaten's willy was that I've finally seen all three of Philip Glass's operas. Well, the ones that count, rather than the silly later ones, like the one where an android clone of Disney chased Oppenheimer around the stage, and no I fuck you not.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I've loved Philip Glass for 20 years. Ever since my first boyfriend would put on Songs From The Trilogy while we read in bed (I'd read about Cthulhu, he'd read a Haynes manual). It's the definitive album for people who believe that five notes in their music is one note too many. I was so entranced I used to leave it on a loop when I went out to work as revenge for my neighbours keeping me up till four am. I loved it that much. But I never dreamed I'd actually see any of the operas live. But I've finally done it.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Satyagraha (the one in Sanskrit about shoes and peace) was the first. I cried. Every single one of the four times I saw it. It was like being hit very slowly by a wall of sexy maths. I took friends to see it (big mistake). I went alone. I even went with a generous friend who adores good seats - sat right at the front was as if you were leaning into a musical wind machine. It was enrapturing - even if the last hour was simply people unrolling sellotape near Martin Luther King. Satyagraha was a thing of beautry. (Even if that guy on a date kept texting his friend to say "kill me, kill me now").<br /><br />Einstein On The Beach was also wonderful. It was Stockholm Syndrome: The Musical, in which you got numbers yelled at you repeatedly for five hours, with occasional breaks for someone to intone "I went to a prematurely air-conditioned supermarket". It was an experience akin to taking the Piccadilly Line to Heaven. It took a lot longer than you thought, you were glad to get a seat, and the eventual arrival was amazing. Sometimes you laughed, sometimes you cried, and sometimes you just wanted to eat the arm-rest. (I'll never forget the couple who broke up during it. The seats were so narrow it took her twenty minutes to storm out. Glass would have approved)</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
And now, finally, we get Akhnaten on the London stage. For those of you who don't know it, it's the Phillip Glass opera with a plot: Man becomes pharaoh; declares the old gods are dead; goes and worships the sun; forgets to open his post, so doesn't pay the water bill or stop the country being invaded; dies; gets forgotten.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Of all of the opears, it was the one I was looking forward to the most. It almost has a few foot-tapping showstoppers (The Hymn To The Sun, and the bit where someone sings a a page from a guidebook). The opera is set in Ancient Egypt. It features people in amazing hats. And yet... much as I wanted to love it, it wasn't quite as amazing as the other two. The music was lacking that Dyson airblade feel of Glass turned up to 11. It was quite loud and it was quite there, but it wasn't beating you around the head screaming "LOVE ME! LOVE MY THREE NOTES UNTIL I PLAY YOU A FOURTH!".</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
The staging was also disappointing. The ENO's version of Satyagraha felt strapped for cash in the last hour, this got threadbare during the first. In Satyagraha giant puppets warred among newspaper cities. In Akhnaten, some extras juggled. That was about it. A dozen people, throwing little balls in the air. They did it nicely, but it felt like a warm-up act on The Paul Daniels Magic Show rather than The Opera Spectacle To End All Opera Spectacle.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
It wasn't a complete bust. There was a lovely bit where a giant moon floated over the stage and the acrobats briefly conjured up an orrery from Swiss Balls.... and then they threw them at each other like a pre-natal aquarobics class. Actually that was exactly it - this was a Philip Glass Zumba class (Oh crikey. Imagine that. "And a 1...2...and 3...3...3...3....3....").</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
By the last half hour the production had run out of money and ideas. The dead pharaoh stood around glumly while the acrobats sadly nudged their balls across the stage (Not literal balls - Akhnaten's were the only testes on show). That was it. Half an hour of men in lycra pretending to be cats, very very slowly. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
The curtain call was nice, though. You found out that one of the acrobats was fit as. The rest of it was an exercise in Curious Clapping. We clapped the acrobats (especially you, third from the right). We clapped the chorus. We clapped, um, that man in the hat from Act One. And the man in the other hat. And the fat man in the fat hat. Then we sort of clapped a bit more enthusiastically for the woman who may have been the Queen Mother. Then some jubilation for the chorus of Caitlin Morans (playing the pharaoh's daughters / social media opinion formers). Then we were sort of pleased for the woman who sort of played Nefertiti. And finally we were ecstatic for the guy who'd played Akhnaten. Mind you, I'm still not sure if the standing ovation was for his singing or for his personal standing ovation. Both were quite remarkable.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Anyway, if you've got the chance, walk, don't run to the ENO. Glass wouldn't like it if you ran.</div>
Skiphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15153208735469088823noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5648545.post-54724061287002183042015-12-19T10:30:00.003+00:002015-12-19T10:31:10.108+00:00CloningYears ago, cloning meant all sorts of exciting things. The chance to photocopy relatives and pets, to maybe live forever. Nowadays a phone call to tell you you've been cloned means only one thing - boredom and hold music.<br />
<br />
My bank very nicely called to tell me my card has been having fun in New York. The simple fact that this is unusual behaviour tells you all you need to know about my life. Worse, they recited a litany of recent purchases for me to confirm. "Lidl? Yes, that's me. Poundland, yes, also me. Aroma Chinese Buffet? Yep." Pause. "Expensive Shop in New York? No. Really Lovely Sounding Restaurant also in New York? No."<br />
<br />
This kind of cloning is as humdrum as my life. But then a terrible penny drops.<br />
"You've cancelled my card?"<br />
Yes.<br />
"Will it still work for picking up train tickets?"<br />
For once my bank is baffled.<br />
"Have you ever bought train tickets online?"<br />
Yes.<br />
"And when you go to collect them, is there any chance that my card will still be valid?"<br />
No sir, probably not.<br />
"Have you ever phoned a Train Company?"<br />
My bank laughs. My bank actually laughs.<br />
<br />
There then follows a quaint interval where my bank sweetly tries to find the right telephone number for the train company. "Bear with me, Mr Goss, I'm having difficulty finding a number for Customer Services. Or any number for them."<br />
<br />
I find a number for Great Western Railways. It's at the bottom of my booking. It is, of course, the wrong number. You only find out about this after endless recorded messages, button pressing, more recorded messages, a travel update, a suggestion to use the website, more recorded messages, and finally someone in India with a cheap headset. They put me through to someone else who tells me to call back on Monday.<br />
<br />
We live in an age where cloning has become routine, where your bank can tell when you're having the wrong kind of fun, and yet restaurants in New York remain the height of romance and train operating companies remain the depths of despair.Skiphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15153208735469088823noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5648545.post-7177891431770775352015-07-15T14:14:00.000+00:002015-07-15T14:14:09.453+00:00In which the owner of my cafe dies<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7e7LZ3brfTt7gt4qxKsZb2C8x0221D2WVCgHIEGVnmM3hTk9mFc504BawHMQGTGUI42Jx6bkHJMqjzklmKJXIarDqw6u50g1o1rJ_dk0qC5gDv3ILT0KOQbjr4WKI6XUUCr_u/s1600/photo.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7e7LZ3brfTt7gt4qxKsZb2C8x0221D2WVCgHIEGVnmM3hTk9mFc504BawHMQGTGUI42Jx6bkHJMqjzklmKJXIarDqw6u50g1o1rJ_dk0qC5gDv3ILT0KOQbjr4WKI6XUUCr_u/s320/photo.JPG" width="239" /></a></div>
<br />
The first day I moved into my flat, he made me a chicken sandwich for a pound.<br />
<br />
The cafe downstairs was always busy, explosively so when all the building work began in Kings Cross. Builders spilled out onto the tables in a dazzling array of massive arms and chips.<br />
<br />
It was a great cafe. The set breakfasts were always puzzlingly huge (would the No 2 or the No 4 guarantee you'd be able to eat again that day?), and the corned beef omelette an unlikely jewel.<br />
<br />
Even though I prefer to sit in the pub of a morning (the coffee was nicer), I'd still go in for the £2 eggs on toast, or for lunch with a friend. The prices never went up.<br />
<br />
The owner was famously hard-working, always said hello, and was very kind about my awful Turkish.<br />
<br />
When the cafe was shuttered at the weekend it seemed odd. Then the sign popped up.<br />Ah well, I thought. One of those sad little things. He worked so hard, he chain-smoked, he loved his own cooking - of course life wouldn't let him enjoy his success.<br />
Turns out I was wrong.<br />
There was a woman standing outside the cafe this morning, smoking a cigarette and crying.<br />
"You know he got shot, didn't you?" she said.<br />
<br />
Oh. Up until then I'd not connected <a href="http://www.standard.co.uk/news/london/wood-green-shooting-victim-erdogan-guzel-warned-an-innocent-person-would-get-shot-near-lordship-lane-days-before-his-death-10384352.html">the weekend's shooting in Wood Green</a> with that sad little note. Why would I? But, of course, it turned out he'd worked hard, he'd made money, he'd opened a second business. And he'd sat down outside for a cup of coffee when he got shot.<br /><br /><a href="http://www.standard.co.uk/news/london/wood-green-shooting-victim-erdogan-guzel-warned-an-innocent-person-would-get-shot-near-lordship-lane-days-before-his-death-10384352.html">Wood Green Shooting victim Erdgoan Guzel</a>Skiphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15153208735469088823noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5648545.post-88297244728533909882015-07-02T11:59:00.002+00:002015-07-02T14:46:37.016+00:00The Fight<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_BbQHoJOl9LPM3OMZ2O4QUEwG5Vp6iTS2CBhUM2xtaMIa6NCwfqXnqb1JNUDpciANoKTD0ycxxbVdYJnuOZ4PxTNdldXLgJaoY-tkOVCBoEQl9-pe3s3_Q502ZIOBlP6qop5v/s1600/vlcsnap-2015-07-02-15h38m33s104.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="238" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_BbQHoJOl9LPM3OMZ2O4QUEwG5Vp6iTS2CBhUM2xtaMIa6NCwfqXnqb1JNUDpciANoKTD0ycxxbVdYJnuOZ4PxTNdldXLgJaoY-tkOVCBoEQl9-pe3s3_Q502ZIOBlP6qop5v/s320/vlcsnap-2015-07-02-15h38m33s104.png" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
There are things you wouldn’t expect me to get involved in.
A fight is one of them.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Ten minutes before I’d been at my Turkish evening class, singing
along to a youtube song about a man who has loved, lost and now stands outside
her window burning her photos. Anyway, you know, a warm happy summer
night. And there I was, pedalling home on a Boris bike and there was this woman
screaming on the ground.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
I watched, as you do, with that casual “oh, that’s unusual”
way as a man bounced her head off the pavement, tearing at her hair as he
kicked her over and over. And she screamed. How she screamed. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br />
It was all bizarre. The street outside Euston station was
crowded with people. None of them particularly noticing. And I just glided past
on my bike. Because these things don’t happen. People do not try and open up
the heads of blondes on warm summer evenings.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
At some point my brain registered that this was A Thing. My
brain then looked for the people rushing to help. There were people. But they
weren’t doing anything. A pub full of people sat opposite looking at it like
they’d look at a passing bus. And then I sort of swerved onto the pavement and
into the fight.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
You’re probably wondering what unlikely combat skills I
possess. Well, I once did kickboxing (achievements – one ugly yellow belt and a
collapsed buttock). But really, that was so long ago, and the man was still
hitting the woman, this weird, horrid, woman-smashing rage. And I was holding a
bike and couldn’t work out how to punch him, let alone hold a bike and punch
him. So I shoved the bike at him. I ran over his foot. This got his attention.
And then I started shouting at him. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Crawling on the floor, sobbing somewhere was the victim. At
least the man had stopped hitting her. I think I may have shouted “You do not
hit a woman”. I think I may also have said “Fuck”, which balances out the
Edwardian flourish. But basically I was standing there, staring at a really
very angry man with a cross tattooed under his eyes. His fist was bunched up
and he was going to hit me and I thought this would really be quite annoying.
I’m quite sure it would hurt, but I also had my shopping somewhere and that
really needed to go in the fridge and also, did I mention it was a Boris Bike?
It would have to go into a stand before I got an excess fine. Anyway, there he
was making to hit me, but I just kept on shouting. Who, anyway, who gets a
cross tattoed under their eye? Who walks in to a parlour and says “That’s what
I want, just keep it classy, yeah?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
By now some people had left the pub and come over. The kind
of people who should deal with crises like this. Stocky men who looked like
fridges, wearing horizontal stripes - giant bumblebees.
They sat the woman down on some steps where she curled up, crying with pain.<o:p></o:p><br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I was holding a bike, my shopping, and also keeping a weird
angry man with a silly tattoo at bay. “Could you call 999?” I asked the crowd.
“Um,” said the crowd, "Can't you?". <br />
"Seriously?" I said.<br />
So, we all ended up calling 999. I’m amazed we didn’t end
up with the coastguard.<br />
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
All this while the man stood there, glaring very angrily at us all, because we
were stood between him and the woman who he clearly fancied hurting some more.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
“You don’t know what she’s like,” he said. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
“Fuck off,” I said to him.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
And he did. Which is annoying.</div>
<br /><o:p></o:p>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
The gap between him fucking off and the police turning up was
long. Someone took a photo of the man’s back. “It may help,” he said.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
We all tried making small talk. Even the victim. The kind of pointless small
talk that happens when everyone’s run out of things to say. I felt an
absurd urge to tell people about the song we’d learned at my evening course,
but thank god I didn’t. The victim’s name wasn’t Claire, but let’s call her
that. She suddenly looked up when one of the 999 calls asked for her mobile
number.</div>
<o:p></o:p><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
“Oh,” Claire said. “It’s not on me. He must have took it.”
Someone had emerged from an office building to try and help. He had an iPhone
6. “It was nice. Like that,” she said. He offered her a cigarette.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
We talked about phones for a bit until the police turned up.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I kept thinking of the man getting away. One of us really should have been
doing something about him.</div>
<br /><o:p></o:p>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
As to what it was all about and why it happened, the
accounts that emerged were all over the place. Claire said she’d never met the
man before and he’d just attacked her out of nowhere. The people from the pub
said they’d seen them drinking together on the steps for an hour before he’d attacked
her.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
“Yeah, and then he was kicking her for a bit and I stopped
it,” said the Man From The Pub, telling his story to the policeman. This was, I
thought, a bit rich. But then again, he looked much more like the kind of
person who would stop a fight than me. “I’m from Sunderland,” he said, “We
don’t have that there.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
“Oh, did you drive up?” said someone else. “What road did
you take?”</div>
<!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]--><br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
“I just wanted another drink,” said Claire. She said she’d
just wandered out from her hostel and it had all got a bit confusing. She kept
patting at her head, tugging out clumps of torn hair. She seemed quite out of
it. She was holding a bottle of beer. She may have been drunk, she may have
been in shock. “So this is London,” Claire said. “You can keep it.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Everyone from out of town agreed. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br />
The man who’d taken a photo of the attacker’s back showed it
to the policeman. He nodded politely at it. “Doesn’t matter,” said the
policeman. “We’ve got lots of cameras. He’ll be on them all.” Which is both
reassuring and a little creepy.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
The Metropolitan Police are odd. As an institution they’re
weird. They keep shooting people who don’t have guns. And yet, individually,
whenever you meet any of the police, they’re marvellous. Also, due to all the
jumpers and protective jackets, slightly larger than life. Two police came
round to my flat last summer. It was like having tea with a Dalek and a Black
Cab. That vague “how do they get through the doors or even fit on the sofa?”
sense. And, last night, the urge to say “you’re wearing all that? In this
weather?”.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
But the policeman, clearly a local, was amazing. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
“I’ve got no-one,” said Claire. “I don’t know anyone.”</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Two tramps shuffled past. “Alright, Claire!” they waved.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
The policeman waved at them. “Can you hang around and take her back to the
hostel in a moment?” he said. “Oh, and don’t forget I’m seeing you both in
court next week.”</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
“No worries,” saluted someone holding a sleeping bag. They stood and waited,
drinking from a bottle of what looked like Baileys and Cider. The kind of
cocktail you make when your parents are out and you wonder why no-one has ever
put white wine and crème de menthe together.</div>
<o:p></o:p><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
At this point Claire stopped patting down her ruined hair
and instead shook her bag. “Oh that’s funny,” she announced casually. “My
money’s gone. He seems to have taken all my money. I don’t suppose any of you
have any spare change?”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
At some point the policeman said we could go. The Sunderland
Bumblebee went back to his pint, and I went to put my shopping in the fridge.
We left Claire being looked after by the policeman. Fuck knows what was going
on with her evening or her life, but no one deserves being kicked across
Eversholt Street.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<span style="text-align: justify;">And as for the man, the man with the cross tattooed underneath his eye? Well,
no-one seemed in any hurry to find him. No need. After all, he was on all the
cameras.</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<o:p></o:p></div>
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Skiphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15153208735469088823noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5648545.post-64514381004633982952015-06-08T09:09:00.002+00:002015-06-08T09:09:53.092+00:00My mother's view of the NHSThe frequently amazing John Peel said "It's a terrible thing when we feel sorry for our parents." While my Dad lumbers around like an 83 year-old ox, my Mother has spent the last year being grumpy about being frail at a mere 73.<br />
<br />
In the last year, she's had so many heart operations even she's lost count, and the medications for that are interacting with the medication that is saving her sight. A woman who has always obsessed about nice views is now in danger of having none at all.<br /><br />Having given up on BUPA as the premiums made her depressed, she's now learning a lot, very rapidly, about the state the NHS is in. She used to work in nursing, so she's full of praise for the quality of care she gets. "They ask if they can use my first name. I like that.". The NHS has proved adept at flinging her from one end of the country to the next and providing her with great care along the way.<br /><br />It has been a bit trickier moving her to the next county. She is in Taunton. The local eye specialist is in Plymouth. It is an hour by train. But, for various complicated funding reasons which my mother honestly doesn't understand, she can be treated there, but not by the NHS. They simply can't quite guarantee moving the funding across in time. Nobody doesn't want to, and yet it is fiddly. She wishes to see the Great Eye Consultant at the local Centre of Excellence - and this is, in theory, what the last few years of NHS Patient Choice reforms have been. In practice, you have to be very patient while waiting for your choice. If my mother had waited, she would be blind by now.<br /><br />Instead of which, my parents cheerily tell me they've taken out a loan. They're even looking at the horrors of equity release ("Well, a house is one thing. But eyesight is another, dear."). My mother has discovered that the power of even a very little money works wonders. Suddenly all the forms and automated appointment systems that a 73 year old finds so confusing are whisked away, and instead my mother has a new hobby. Having afternoon tea while The Great Consultant stitches away at her eye, saving her sight.<br /><br />A skilled sewer, she admires his technique ("He fitted four stitches in a millimetre the other day") while deploring the material he's working with ("My eye's had it. It's fraying as he sews it. If it was a sofa I'd reupholster from scratch.").<br /><br />It's an odd situation. One made more so by it being a long drive to Plymouth than my father can do in a day. So they take the motorhome, and park up at the hospital. Dad makes himself some toast and reads the paper, and mum goes in while a very patient man sticks needles in her eye. "It's not why we bought the motorhome," she says. "But it does very well."Skiphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15153208735469088823noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5648545.post-29219480221411899942015-06-05T13:09:00.003+00:002015-06-05T13:09:52.598+00:00The Bison Are On 30th<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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A friend suggested going to San Francisco for the weekend. So I went. Mostly so I could say "I went to San Francisco for the weekend."<br /><br />I can recommend it. Mostly because, if you're ever worried you drink too much (and I am), fly to America for the weekend. The resulting jet lag guarantees that a glass of wine is really all you need.<br /><br />San Fancisco is wonderful for so many reasons. For a start, you have to love a city that looked at the available models for a public transport system and went "ooh rollercoasters". Even buses require a strong head.<br /><br />I should, at this point, tell you something about the wild gay scene. I walked through it one night trying to get home before I fell asleep. Some gays with fantastic arms and amazing chesticles staggered out of a bar. One tripped over a bike.<br />"Get her!" seethed one.<br />"You go girl!" cried another.<br />"I am Miss Thang," said the one who had fallen over. "Oh boy."<br />I believe that's sass or something.<br /><br />The people of San Francisco were amazingly helpful and polite. Sort of like an interesting Canada, or a sincere LA. If we looked lost, someone would always offer us directions, or a lift. It is the kind of city where you can walk up to a total stranger and ask for directions to the bison in Golden Gate Park and be told "Oh, right, yeah, the bison are on 30th." Even the tramps are terribly polite. While we were filming one of them called out "Let me know if you'd like me to get out of shot, wont you?"<br /><br />In amongst it all is a weird fading hippie chic. You can walk into a shop and buy Guac-Kale-Mole. You can also be sat next to a walking Robert Crumb cartoon on the bus. "My landlord wants me out. My lawyer, I got a lawyer, he says I'll get six months rent free. So I'll buy myself a winnebago with a shower. A real nice shower. Then I'll go see my friends in Mexico. They moved out of Haight last year. Over the border and back to pick up welfare once a month. They live like kings there, they live like kings. They have servants. I want servants. I'll drive my Winnebago to Tijuana." And so on. Possibly to the man opposite him. Possibly to himself.<br /><br />The only rude people were at passport control. If getting into America is hard, leaving it is even harder. The border guard excelled at a unique form of aggression, seizing on incomplete tickets with a joyous "Uh-oh, we have a problem here!". As we left, she'd found a baby's ticket was missing her full name. In vain did the family try and explain the baby hadn't yet been christened."Uh-oh, we have a problem baby here..."<br /><br />Here's a photograph of some shoes we found outside our house. Someone had built a bus-stop overnight and someone else had left some shoes at it. No-one could work out if it was art or rubbish. I took a picture and a woman leaned over. "You didn't take a picture, did you? What will they think of us in England? Do you want to take the shoes - in case anyone over there needs them..."<br /><br /><br /></div>
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Skiphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15153208735469088823noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5648545.post-38807090325318618932015-05-21T12:02:00.002+00:002015-05-21T12:04:06.311+00:00How Things Go At The Moment<span style="font-family: inherit;">I'm having a great time briefing writers at the moment. But the general complications of being me keep getting in the way.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I'm massively behind with work. I'm supposed to be writing a comic novel, but I'm not in a comedy mood at the moment. So, the comic novel sits in a corner, becoming more and more of a problem. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Meanwhile, as I said, I'm trying to brief other writers. "You should," I said yesterday, "read an article from Vanity Fair. It'd be really helpful."<br /><br />I offer to scan it. Simples, as the meerkat used to say. A horrid hour passed, one in which I scanned the document, discovered it was unreadably watermarked, tried to buy the software, crashed the modem, figured that scan would do, then lost the file, so rescanned it on my phone, accidentally triggered an in-app purchase that flagged a fraud attempt in my iTunes account, started shaking uncontrollably in the kitchen, and then found the original scan in dropbox.<br />So, after an hour of this shenanigans, I had two copies. Both unreadable.<br /><br />I wrote a florid letter of apology, about the only writing I seem to be doing at the moment, and then, just as I was about to press send, discovered the article was on the Vanity Fair website.</span>Skiphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15153208735469088823noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5648545.post-9462416042842085842015-04-22T16:32:00.003+00:002015-04-22T16:32:57.613+00:00And So To BedThis morning I emailed an employer to thank them for paying me. Their server rejected the email as "inappropriate content."<br /><br />And that was just the start of it. Today was a day where the music of the spheres was a beautiful misalignment of unhelpful emails. Fired from one project, deluged with paperwork by another.<br /><br />"Go back to bed," urged one boss, and she was right. This last week has been a succession of mornings where I've got out of bed and regretted it.<br /><br />I knew I'd done the right thing when, as soon as I reached the bed, the cat joined me. Bedrooms are lovely places. We work so hard to make them nice, and then spend as little time in them as possible. I intend to rectify that for a few days.<br />
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I can't make the world a nicer place. But I think, just for a while, I shall only be replying to emails that make it worth getting out of bed.Skiphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15153208735469088823noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5648545.post-85099532138921673032015-04-13T13:27:00.003+00:002015-04-13T13:30:10.000+00:00On The Death Of The Black Cap And London Quirky<a href="http://www.polarimagazine.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/Black-Cap.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" src="http://www.polarimagazine.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/Black-Cap.jpg" /></a>
A drag queen ate fire the first night I went clubbing at The Black Cap, and another drag queen ate fire there last night, probably the last Sunday I will ever go clubbing at the Black Cap.
Because the Black Cap has closed. Sometimes it was a great cabaret venue with a nice roof garden, sometimes it was a great roof garden with some dodgy cabaret. I saw out my 20s there. I danced through my 30s until I realised dancing was silly.
The Black Cap was a bar for all occasions. You could go for a drink with friends, go to read a book and chainsmoke on the terrace, or just get smashed and dance with strangers. Sometimes you'd go and it'd be a bit tragic, sometimes it would be the best night of your life. You could go see the same jokes you saw 10 years ago, you could go see something you'd never see again. You could go home alone, you could have sex on the bar. <br /><br />
The Black Cap was great because it was always there. When I worked in Cardiff and was only in London at the weekends, I'd make a point of going. Just to feel I'd done something. It was even open on Christmas Day, which one year was brilliant. I'd spent the day working in a basement in Broadcasting House, the rats scuttling through the ceiling just above my head. On the way home, I stopped off at The Black Cap. It was utterly dead, but that didn't matter. I'd far rather nod along to Rachel Stevens in a roomful of not-quite-strangers not-quite-friends than just not see anyone all day.
<br /><br />
The Black Cap was a local, in the proper, old-fashioned sense of the word. It was exciting enough for me. In the last couple of years it became a bit too exciting - it had suddenly become roaringly popular, reinvigorated by a whole new generation of cabaret stars - events sold out, the bar rammed with people younger and prettier and cooler than anyone I ever knew had ever been. But you know, I'd still go for the occasional drink. That was the thing about The Black Cap - it was a local. It'd always be there. If the new wave of performers went away, if their audience declared the venue "tbh ovah", it'd still be there - a great place for a drink.
<br />But no more.
<br /><br />
Because London no longer needs quirky places that are in it for the long haul. Everything is now a pop-up, a passing fad. One day a cereal cafe, tomorrow a Nando's. And we always need luxury designer flats, ideal for the first-time buyer with a six figure salary. Just like you and me.
<br /><br />
My friend Ben has charted the steady death of quirky London through the vanishing cabaret spaces over at <a href="http://www.nottelevision.net/">Not Televisio</a>. Cabaret venues are like the mining canaries of redevelopment. When the singing stops, the bulldozers are moving in. Ben helped overturn proposals to Camden Council to have the pub partly turned into flats. These were rejected because the pub was a living community space. So the owners solved that one - they simply shut the pub. Now all they have to do is wait a bit. And then, once it's just a dead reminder of what it was, it can be flats.
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There are all sorts of arguments that waft around vaguely about all of this. "Oh, gay people don't need their own venues", "Tinder for shags and All Bar One for dates", "Drag's not really my cup of tea", "Well, the scene's really in Dalston these days". Yeah yeah yeah. But it's nice to have the option. Also, please stop pretending Dalston is a one-stop-shop Elysian Fields. It's not. It's Dalston. It may have nice bars and sky-high rents, but it's still pretty horrid. For heaven's sake, they even shut the Overground off at weekends, so they may as well put up a fence.
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London is broken. Even if you can afford to live here, you're hardly going to have that much quality of life. We passed an estate agent yesterday advertising a bunk bed in a shared room for £100 a week. You'd be sharing with two strangers. For the same price as you can get a nice 1-bed flat in a city outside London. If you wanted to buy my flat, you'd need to be earning about £125k. Imagine the kind of person who earns that. Now imagine them living in a dodgy ex council flat in Kings Cross. Yes. It's all very well putting up those nonsense luxury flat adverts about mumbling Jamie Dornan lookalikes growling "I worked this city to live this city and now London is my playground", but let's face it - you're earning enough to buy a castle and you're still going to be looking out at drugs dealers pissing over the bins. But, be warned. If you've had enough of London being your playground, and just fancy a drink in your local, forget it. It's not there any more. Still, at least there'll be a Nando's. <br />
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<br />Skiphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15153208735469088823noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5648545.post-16667294656119338802014-04-17T07:22:00.002+00:002014-04-17T07:22:43.236+00:00Gay Geeks<i>"God, I'm such a geek." (rolls eyes, posts Instagram near pile of comics, starts knowing online row about Captain America continuity before live-tweeting gym visit)</i><br />
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The Gay Geek has become a cliche. Such a cliche that the phrase gets slapped at random into <a href="http://www.standard.co.uk/lifestyle/london-life/why-the-gay-geek-is-the-most-soughtafter-worker-in-london-8773838.html">articles about getting jobs in insurance</a>. It makes it sound as though companies are cool by wanting to recruit "gay geeks", when really it just means that employers have cottoned on to the idea that young, single gay men are likely to spend more time at work.<br />
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Is this even true? I mean:<br />
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<ul>
<li><b>Less likely to spend 4 months at work planning wedding?</b> I bet the next decade will see the rise of the Gay Bridezilla. Gayzilla?</li>
<li><b>Less likely to have childcare crises?</b> Well, probably. But one knock-on of equality is going to be fussy gay Dads firing the manny for non-organic lunchboxes or finding a Scooch playlist on their iphone.</li>
<li><b>More reliable?</b> Isn't your single gay more likely to ring in sick due to murderous hangovers/unexpected Bralizians?</li>
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I do find the whole "gay geek" thing baffling. Where have all these gays who like rubbish telly come from? Where were you when I was in my 20s? Or did they exist all the time, just waiting for Twitter to turn up and give them a chance to say "#OMGBUFFYMARATHON"?<br /><br />It's tempting to cry fake about Gay Geeks. After all, a few years ago we had the "Fake Nerd Girl" meme:</div>
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<span style="text-align: left;">It seemed a reasonable meme (what does that even mean?), but it fairly soon got quite rightly hijacked:</span></div>
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It was easy to mock "Fake Nerd Girl". I'm sure there were/are Fake Nerd Girls. But... remember when Doctor Who came back in 2005 and suddenly it wasn't "our little thing" but was watched by "normal" people with waistlines and lifestyles and hair? Well, that, really.<br /></div>
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We're suspicious of outsiders. Especially outsiders who seem, well, better at living than us. I wonder if the stereotype of gay geeks and my sneering suspicion of them is slightly to do with their ability to love stupid things AND go to the gym?</div>
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<br /><br />Skiphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15153208735469088823noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5648545.post-55170478183392921472014-04-17T06:54:00.002+00:002014-04-17T06:54:17.499+00:00Gay film festival bingo card<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />Skiphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15153208735469088823noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5648545.post-58310029780212573522014-04-09T18:00:00.003+00:002014-04-09T18:00:33.145+00:00My hardworking flatWhen I was young, I wanted a time machine so I could save the universe. Now I want a time machine so I can nip back and buy property.<br />
<br />
I went to school with
Rich People and a few of them are Facebook friends.
One of them is a banker. It was fairly inevitable, given the laws of
probability. He's also a Tory. Also inevitable. He's also, if you ever
meet him, lovely and rather sweet. And yet... and yet... he's just talked about "hardworking homeowners"
on Facebook. As in "Great to see the economic growth we should be
proud of in this country delivering profits to hard working
homeowners".<br />
<br />
He's talking about London's current property boom. Otherwise known as "you think this flat is worth HOW MUCH???". I find the whole thing nuts.<br />
<br />
Obviously, Banker is going to have an opposite viewpoint to me. He's. A.
Banker. But it's that he used the "hard working" thing. That laughable
mantra that David Cameron uses as an excuse-all. I thought we
all knew that was silly. I genuinely thought not even Tory voters were
fooled by that.
The whole idea that the insanity of London's latest property bang
is due to "hardworking homeowners" is horrid. Horrid. Horrid.<br />
<br />
I live on a housing estate in Camden. My flat is nearly worth half-a-million (don't burgle it, it's mostly cat hair and lego). The point is, I'm delighted that that's the value, but it's not worth half a million. It's a flat on a social housing estate in Camden. When I had a proper career with a rather nice salary, it was worth a fraction of that, and still all that I could afford.<br />
<br />
If you want to buy my flat, you're now going to need to be earning over a 100 grand a year. I try and imagine the kind of person who earns a 100 grand. Then I try and imagine them living in my slightly shabby shoebox full of cat hair. And I laugh.<br /><br />I think we can roughly agree that someone who earns 100 grand thinks they're pretty hardworking. I think, at the end of a hardworking day, they want to come back to something nicer than my flat. I think there's a difference between the Tory idea of hardworking
(Daddy gives you a hand up to get you started to your first mill) and
the social housing tenants on this estate. The ones with jobs are hardworking. So hardworking they have at least one job. I see them leaving for it at about 5am when I'm
walking the cat. <br /><br />Those who aren't holding down three jobs to pay their rent, have, in the government's
eyes, won the poverty lottery and been given a free flat on housing benefit. Well done them, I say. They get to share their postcode with all
us fake demi-millionaires in our plush mansions.<br />
<br />
The idea that this property boom is somehow all because the Tories have decided to
reward people who work hard is silly. A lot of the people who work do so for the minimum wage. They don't get
rewarded. They get ground into the dirt. That's the Tory motto and I
refuse to believe they've changed it.Skiphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15153208735469088823noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5648545.post-32407707331677501462014-03-19T09:53:00.002+00:002014-03-19T09:53:18.003+00:00P-p-p-leasingI've really no idea where my stutter came from, but it turned up during my second year at University. Right from the start it was suspiciously convenient. For a start, it didn't look like a real stutter, but like someone with one IMDB credit to their name hired to play "Man With Stutter" on an episode of Chucklevision. For another thing it had a habit of only turning up when things Didn't Go My Way.<br /><br />During my second year at University I was an editor on a student newspaper. My co-editors were two achingly cool women who took the all-night shifts and staff complexities in their stride like they thought Lynda Day in Press Gang was a hopeless amateur. I didn't. I liked bumbling along at my own pace. Actually, I really missed editing the drama section. That was actually kind of fun. This was grown-up. And tiring. Always, at about 3am, people would start asking you really difficult questions. Lots of them. And suddenly, when there was just one question too many, out would come my thoroughly convincing stutter.<br /><br />To make it worse, it was accompanied by a twitch and a Hitler salute. As my friend Rick said "you've basically nailed Dr Strangelove". It was hopelessly, utterly appalling made-up and put on. The first time it was wheeled out, everyone ignored it like a toddler playing up for guests. The second time, my co-editor Jess said "Stop that, it's ridiculous."<br /><br />Then she saw the look on my face. "Oh my god," she said. "It's real, isn't it?"<br />I nodded glumly.<br /><br />I was hopelessly baffled by the stutter. At exactly the same time, curiously, I became allergic to milk in tea. Properly "I think I'll just go and throw this up now" allergic. Basically, I was a bit of a tired mess, and the only way my body had of expressing it was by turning me into a bag of nerves. That leaked tea.<br /><br />My co-editors were brilliant. I no longer had to work the whole night - I could go home at 1am, get some sleep, and then come back at dawn to finish the paper while everyone else drifted off to bed. It worked really well. And my stutter drifted away.<br /><br />It came back a few years later. When I had my first proper job at the BBC I had a lovely team and we were pottering around making sites about nice nonsense for pence. The thing about being a manager is that people ask your questions. Fine. But sometimes everyone would ask a question at the same time, all about conflicting things, and then MSNs would pop up from my Lazy Susan of managers... and then back came the stutter. It was my body's way of saying "I can't cope. Just one thing at a time, please". It was sort of effective. It was also deeply embarrassing. I think I'd have been fine if I'd installed one of those Waitrose deli "take a ticket form a queue" machines. Especially when I had 17 managers. Shortly before I went properly bonkers.<br /><br />Curiously, there was no sign of my stutter at all at Channel 4. Possibly because it was a brilliant place to work. And since then I've been at home, you know, pretty much just pottering around with my cat, and it's been fine.<br /><br />But recently, I've had a boyfriend. A real proper love-of-my-life-stealer-of-my-crisps boyfriend. Boyfriends ask you a lot of questions. In the early days it's "Would you like another glass of wine, darling?" but as time wears on it's "Have you done x? Have you booked y? Where have you put z? And why the kettle been moved from The Newly Agreed Place?". I'm not, by the way, going out with a nagging fishwife. My boyfriend is terribly understanding. And you'd like to think that, in the two decades since it first turned up, I'd have evolved a better coping strategy.<br /><br />But no. If my boyfriend asks me one too many questions, even would I like another glass of wine while I'm immersed in something else, out comes the stutter. I can't do anything about it. It's hopeless and absolute - and still utterly over-the-top. Worse, it's started spreading. My lovely parents are now quite doddery and have a tendency to ask lots of confusing questions. Luckily my terribly convenient stutter soon puts a stop to that.<br /><br />Mostly, I can keep it under control. It's basically a nasty little gremlin that sits inside me and picks on pensioners and boyfriends, which is unpleasant. But it's clearly just my brain's way of saying "Bandwidth's a bit congested, could you come back in a moment?". It's buffering. Like YouTube.<br /><br />Thing is, every now and then, my gremlin comes in handy in real life. Our local Co-Op is a cruel place, and not for the faint-hearted. I once made the mistake of trying to buy bread bread in there. It went horribly wrong and when the man behind the counter started shouting at me, I think he just assumed I could be belittled like any other customer. But, to the amazement of both of us, my gremlin appeared and was mighty. I'd like to say he was cowed into submission. Instead he went and got a colleague who treated me with the whole "Would it like a sweetie?" treacle.<br /><br />And then this week, there was the incident of The Gym Receptionist. I turned up, laughing my head off at Cabin Pressure, to be greeted by a stern-faced woman with some forms. "Fill both of these in. And add your membership number and club code" My what? And where?" "Mem-Ber-Ship-Num-Ber, Club Code" she spelled out. There was nowhere on the form for them to go. I kept asking where I should put them, and she just got crosser. I began to get confused. And there was a muttering queue behind me, also trying to fill in the New Forms. The Receptionist got cross. I got more confused. The Receptionist got crosser.<br /><br />And then the gremlin slipped out from a corner of my brain. "Don't worry," it said. "I'll take care of this." And it gave it to her in an explosive fountain of stuttering and gibbering. I may even have been speaking in tongues.<br /><br />It was a deeply shameful experience. But also useful. From nowhere, the Receptionist produced a smile. "Why don't I just fill in these forms for you?" she said.<br /><br />So that's where we are today. Some people have stutters that rule their every utterance. I don't. I just have a petulant little gremlin inside me that's started picking on bad customer service. Oh good grief. My stutter is Mary Portas, isn't it?<br /><br /><br /><br />Skiphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15153208735469088823noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5648545.post-65082143440369438962014-03-08T10:42:00.001+00:002014-03-14T19:39:36.832+00:00Afjordable<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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We're standing in a frozen fjord, staring up at the Northern Lights when a woman's voice echoes off the nearby glacier:<br />
"Oh, I'm glad I put on that pair of Janet's socks."<br />
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Iceland is all about the tours. Genuinely, since they blew up their banks, it's a massive source of income. And they do it very well. The Icelandic temperament is endlessly polite and patient, so they're very good at putting up with us. They're also excellent farmers, especially brilliant with cattle. And cattle's what we are.<br />
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People often refer to tourists as cattle, but in Iceland it's a perfect description. In order to "experience" the "real" "Iceland" you must "do" lots of trips. Coaches come, coaches go, and wheelie luggage trails through the snow. In a tell-talle moment, a tour guide says "The Icelandic horse is very friendly, very trusting, and very flavoursome". The idea of not spending a day on a tour of some sort is almost unthinkable. Why not spend an entire morning on a trip to a hydroponic garden? After all, it's what our hosts want us to do. The Icelandic horse is very friendly, very trusting, and very flavoursome.<br />
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Curiously, the Icelandic tomato is not flavoursome. They are the most lovingly grown tomatoes in the world (yes, we did go on the hydroponics trip). We learned that they are grown by a ridiculously beautiful family, kept warm by geothermal springs and doused in computer-controlled hydroelectric light. They are tended by bees and pest-eating insects. These tomatoes are loved. And they taste like... well, tomatoes that have never seen sunshine.<br />
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Tourists are as excellently tended as tomatoes. If the tomatoes could complain their grievances would be listened to and dealt with with the same endlessly patient determination that saw some Icelanders seize on the lunatic genius of growing tomatoes in the dark.<br />
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Tourists behave awfully in Iceland. It's almost like they know that the country has fallen on hard times and is taking in paying guests to make ends meet. We've come into your home and we're going to criticize the decor.<br />
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<b>EXAMPLE 1: The Tourist Information Office</b><br />
American Mom: "I want a private tour."<br />
Icelander: "This is an excellent coach trip."<br />
American Mom: "Well no. You see I must have a private tour for just me and the boys."<br />
[As she speaks, one of her boys runs around the shop, licking lava. Icelander pushes forward a different coach trip leaflet with a patient smile.]<br />
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<b>EXAMPLE 2: The Blue Lagoon Spa</b><br />
American Lady: "Is there shade?"<br />
Icelander: "This is an open-air spa."<br />
American Lady: "But I must have shade. I cannot be in the sun."<br />
Icelander: "Then of course there is shade."<br />
[It is, I should point out, a cloudy winter's day. It is snowing]<br />
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<b>EXAMPLE 3: The Northern Lights</b><br />
Tour Guide: "Welcome to our Northern Lights trip. As you know, the Northern Lights are not a natural phenomena and we cannot guarantee that you will see them. Also, they rarely look as you would expect in the photographs. So tonight, we may very well see nothing. Finally, they are over 100 kilometers away and your flash works over a distance of 3 metres. So please do turn your flash off. You will simply spoil other people's ability to see."<br />
[The tour bus decants in a dark field. People get off and take lots of photos of the darkness. With the flash on. Then complain that they can't see anything.]<br />
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Actually, the Northern Lights was a fascinating experience. Almost like being on a UFO spotting coach tour. Half of us came away convinced we had seen something. Half came away thinking they never existed. For the record, I saw some very slightly green dancing clouds. I got very excited at one point, but it turned out to be a lorry reversing. Considering a blizzard was coming on, it was amazing that we saw anything at all - even a distant lorry's headlamps.<br />
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I took a picture on my iPhone. This is a genuine photo:<br />
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And yes, I had my flash turned off.</div>
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Don't think I didn't have a wonderful time. The best thing about Iceland are its people. Seeing in them the Aryan ideal, Hitler sent a top Nazi to recruit the country, but <a href="http://grapevine.is/Features/ReadArticle/A-Nazis-Disappointment-With-Iceland">he gave up in disgust</a>, reporting that they preferred getting drunk, watching Sherlock Holmes and having a bath to conquering the world.<br />
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Reykjavik itself is a WEIRD capital city - kind of like a Milton Keynes industrial estate with the world's biggest Christmas Market. It snowed constantly and magically. Endless little cafes were everywhere offering warm, nutty coffee. If you're used to the London experience of cafes, it's worth going to Iceland just for the peace. You will be surrounded by immaculately-behaved toddlers. The children are amazingly brought up. Prams are neatly parked outside little art galleries, while inside mothers and museum attendants squat gossiping as children crawl curiously around exhibits.<br />
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All the notices politely asking parents not to let their children do things (like jump in geysers, lick the cakes or steal things) are written in English. With a puzzled tone of "But why would you do this?". Iceland has invited the world into its home, and is patiently baffled at how the world behaves. "Please do not put cheese in this toaster" reads one. "Please do not unplug this fridge for your laptop" read another in a cafe. But it will work out fine in the end. The Icelandic horse is very friendly, very trusting, and very flavoursome.</div>
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One final note: Icelandic men are both absurdly hot and have ludicrous names. One guide was called Bjarthur (pronounced "Bea Arthur"). And here's Iceland's top wrestler. Of course he's called Gunnar.<br />
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Skiphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15153208735469088823noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5648545.post-55913541084966669672014-02-24T09:31:00.003+00:002014-02-24T09:31:44.937+00:00The All-U-Can Holiday<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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So, my parents decide to go on "one last foreign holiday". Due to their age, frailty and general uninsurability, they go with Saga. And, I decide to join them. I find a stupidly cheap deal, but the one thing I really hadn't noticed was that it was an "all-inclusive holiday".</div>
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It was actually a bit like being in a 5-star prison. It's the first hotel I've ever stayed at with a guard post. Because outside was a lot of desolation and hungry cats. When the boyfriend and I went to Turkey last year, we went on a bus that took us through a winding Russian beach resort. "Wow," we thought, "Who would go on holiday there?" Turns out, I was staying there. A lot of the hotels have themes. There's a giant version of the QE2 (the boat), a Parisian palace, a Georgian mansion, and... well, mine was just a luxury box with great views.<br /></div>
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Inside, it was sort of brilliant, sort of horrible. The brilliant side was that I could finally get to do the thing that English graduates dream of doing - waking up early, sitting on the balcony, look at the sea and working on The Novel. I could also see my parents - they'd already been off backpacking, had led a revolution on a bus trip, and were keen to show me that my Turkish wasn't needed to get around as they could just smile and speak slowly (If you've ever wondered if people really do do that, my parents do).<br /><br />The horrible side was the hell that is other people. I love an all-u-can-eat buffet, but I wouldn't want to stay in one. It was like a bootcamp for over-eaters. The daily schedule went:<br />6-10: Breakfast<br />10-11: Late breakfast</div>
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11-1: Sliders by the pool<br />1-2: Lunch<br />2-4: Late lunch<br />4-6: Coffee and cookies<br />6-10: Dinner<br />10-12: Cakes in the bar<br />12am: Midnight feast<br /><br />You get the picture - just no end of food. I forgot what hunger meant as a concept. And yet, with the unending food, people would still pile their plates high like it was their last meal before hibernation. You'd see people stacking four bowls of cereal on top of each other. Even more mad, you'd see them stealing food to take back to their rooms. In case they somehow felt peckish.<br /><br />There was also no end to the drink. The hotel's two rules were "No alcoholic beverages shall be served at breakfast" and "No flip flops in the restaurant". Clearly this means that someone had tried both. But still, once breakfast was over, the boozing began. At about 10am the gins and tonics would be beckoned over.<br /><br />As I was heading out one morning, I passed a man sat in the courtyard drinking beer and playing with his iphone. He was still there at lunch. And still there at sunset. I stopped admiring his ability to hold his booze and instead marvelled at his iphone battery.<br /><br />With this unending cornucopia came a strange sense of entitlement. I don't think any of us staying in the hotel were nice people. One morning, a woman rushed passed me out of her room, standing on tiptoe on the landing to look at the sunset. For a few moments I thought this delightful, until she turned away with a disgusted "augh". Then I realised. She had been checking to see if her room had the sunrise view the brochure had promised.</div>
<br />If the people were bad, the cats were worse. The hotel had a clutch of cats, theoretically there to control vermin, but in practice stationed on guard outside the restaurant. Why bother hunting when there's an unlimited supply of food just beckoning to you. I'm used to the behaviour of cats outside Turkish restaurants. You sit on a terrace, and a cat will approach, tap your leg, and then wait. It's fair enough. But not at this hotel. Venture onto the terrace with a plate of food and it was like a feline remake of The Birds.<br /><br />The first day I tried it I lost an omelette and the skin on one arm. I was saved by a chain-smoking German. "You need to shoo them," he told me, and then demonstrated. His definition of "shoo" was punching. He was genuinely punching kittens in the head. It was both appalling and kind of idiotic. But it didn't deter them from trying to get at the food.<br /><br />The German turned to me, "You have to show them who is boss," he told me. "This is disgusting for a 5 star hotel." And then strode away. The next morning there were posters on the terrace "Please do no feed the cats. They receive special food." There were also noticeably less cats. I imagine they'd been drowned in one of the swimming pools.<br /><br />The German gave me a little smile whenever I saw him in the hotel. I sort of smiled back. He actually wasn't the worst guest. That honour goes to the travelling English coach party who decanted one day. Within two hours of their arrival, the lobby was filled with tightly-coiled grey haired ladies saying "I'm not one to complain..."<br /><br />The best guests were definitely the German Youth Football team. They wrestled, they sunbathed topless, they had water fights, they did headstands in the courtyard, and, like they were auditioning for a Wes Anderson film, they jogged everywhere in tracksuits.<br /><br />
The Saga element of it all was a little different. Imagine a hotel with beautifully decorated rooms in all sorts of styles, from Ottoman to English Library (one evening, looking for a late drink, I even found a proper nightclub, where a DJ played pounding music to people just like me in their pyjamas, looking for a nightcap). But... then there was the Saga Lounge. Somehow decorated in the ruthless bleakness of an Old People's Home. My mother would tell me with pitying glee of the bunfight whenever the rep uncorked a fresh jigsaw.<br />
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For me, the evenings were idyllic. I could trot off to the bar, collect some booze, and sit in bed, reading Perry Mason and listening to the roar of the sea. Only on my last night did I realise it was the roar of the laundry pump. But there we go.Skiphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15153208735469088823noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5648545.post-4213313984249709532014-02-09T18:25:00.001+00:002014-02-09T18:25:10.734+00:00This week's Tube StrikeSay what you like about the Tube Strikes (and let's face it, thanks to Twitter we're now expected to each have a definitive opinion on that, Woody Allen and dredging the Somerset Levels. It's the new Renaissance), but one thing about the last week has been that a lot of people have been cycling or driving who perhaps don't have the necessary road skills.<br />
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On Wenesday, a female cyclist in front of me was nearly forced off the road by a petrified wobbly male cyclist coming the other way.<br />
"Bitch!" he snapped at her.<br />
And, out of nowhere, I turned and roared, "Oi! She was right and you were wrong, you fat fuck."<br />
The female cyclist turned to me. "Thank you," she said. We then spent the next couple of junctions not quite making eye contact with each other.<br />
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Later on in the week, I went to the NTLive to see Coriolanus. The audience was mostly the kind of person who delights in over-pronouncing the flavours of ice cream ("doll-cheee-la-tay"). My row was terrorised by a loudly racist old lady ("The cast speak very well. Apart from the little Jew. A mumbler."). I finally snapped at her in the interval when she turned to her friend and told her the entire plot of the second half. I've not read it for twenty years and was kind of looking forward to finding out. The Sherlock fan next to me looked equally distraught. I explained this to her, politely but firmly. Nasty Biddy's response to declare to her friend, "Well! some people..."<br />
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There's a woman at the bottom of our street who stands outside a cafe screaming about Nazi Experiments with Electricity that The Government Don't Want You To Know About. I worry this will be me soon.Skiphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15153208735469088823noreply@blogger.com0