As part of my Must Save Money Friday, I'm spending the evening curled up with an old Dr Who video.
God, it's incoherently fab. Following on from Frontier in Space, Jo and Dr Who head through space to the planet of the Daleks (who are about to invade the universe). They're looking for the Daleks. Guess what the surprise cliffhanger to episode one is... Goodness me, there are Daleks on the planet! Gasp!
Dr Who starts the story injured and asleep in the TARDIS, covered with frost. The TARDIS gets covered with plant spores. Immediately, the supposedly infinite TARDIS starts to run out of oxygen. This is probably due to the fact that Dr Who has obviously made a small fortune by trading in his stately home TARDIS interior for a cheap council flat. The TARDIS is now the size of box, and full of really horrid white MFI furniture. There's even plastic wrap still on the beds. Shudder. The only nice thing about it is that the TARDIS sends Dr Who messages in Futuristic Space Font.
The whole thing is magnificently 70s. Jo becomes infected with alien spores, and starts to grow bubble wrap on her hand. Even better, an astronaut reassures her that "I'm an expert in space medicine." Pass the space tea and the moon buns, luv.
Friday, August 29, 2003
Thursday, August 28, 2003
Not a hen
Decided not to go on my friend Gemma's Hen Night. A last-minute check of my bank balance has convinced me that there are better ways of spending £70.
I adore Gemma. I adore Kate. I adore Harriet - but the rest of her friends are merely window dressing for how fabulous Gemma is.
So, I'll be going round to Dieter's for supper instead. It'll be cheaper and includes having sex.
I adore Gemma. I adore Kate. I adore Harriet - but the rest of her friends are merely window dressing for how fabulous Gemma is.
So, I'll be going round to Dieter's for supper instead. It'll be cheaper and includes having sex.
Training
On a very useful (but not necessarily interesting) training course about the future of interactive television.
Receive a text from Adam: "Naked and thinking of you. What you up to?"
Daren't say "Fully clothed. Thinking of future cross-platform non-linear narrative streams."
Sat around drinking vodka and watching Doctor Who with friends. Beryl Reid was in it. There were tea cakes. Applause.
Receive a text from Adam: "Naked and thinking of you. What you up to?"
Daren't say "Fully clothed. Thinking of future cross-platform non-linear narrative streams."
Sat around drinking vodka and watching Doctor Who with friends. Beryl Reid was in it. There were tea cakes. Applause.
Friday, August 22, 2003
Gross.
Gross point un:
Brought a tin of Irish Sea Moss round to my friend Sam's. It is made from Sea Moss. And is a vanilla-flavour aphrodisiac. It tasted horrible. Like watered down cough mixture.
Gross point deux:
From the same shop, grabbed a pack of monkey nuts. Was happily filling a bowl with the nuts, when something fluttered past the light. Sam and I looked up to see a group of moths zizzing around the kitchen. We looked back down - and realised the moths were swarming out of the nuts. The packet was full of them - shifting, crawling, fluttering and spreading. How we hadn't noticed I've got no idea.
Went out and got five packs of Prawn Cocktail Space Invaders. Much less threatening.
Brought a tin of Irish Sea Moss round to my friend Sam's. It is made from Sea Moss. And is a vanilla-flavour aphrodisiac. It tasted horrible. Like watered down cough mixture.
Gross point deux:
From the same shop, grabbed a pack of monkey nuts. Was happily filling a bowl with the nuts, when something fluttered past the light. Sam and I looked up to see a group of moths zizzing around the kitchen. We looked back down - and realised the moths were swarming out of the nuts. The packet was full of them - shifting, crawling, fluttering and spreading. How we hadn't noticed I've got no idea.
Went out and got five packs of Prawn Cocktail Space Invaders. Much less threatening.
Gaybar! Gaybar!
Tried to get on a bus home to Euston last night.
It said Euston on the side, so I got on and asked for a ticket to Euston.
"Not going to Euston." growled the driver.
"But it says Euston on the side!" I protested.
"Doesn't. Get off."
"But it does! It says Euston." I murmured. Feeling strangely out of love with the man.
The next customer gets on.
"Ticket to Euston please."
"I'm-not-going-to-Euston-get-off-my-bus."
The next passenger tried to get on.
"Euston, mate."
"No!" yells the Driver, full of vicious joy at his power.
At which point, something wonderful happened. I forgot to mention that standing at the busstop was the audience from an Electric Six concert who started to sing "Euston! Euston!" to the tune of GayBar.
The bus driver panicked and roared away, door still open.
It should be made legal to do really horrible things to nasty bus drivers. Like take away their tea cakes, or put coleslaw in all their sandwiches.
It said Euston on the side, so I got on and asked for a ticket to Euston.
"Not going to Euston." growled the driver.
"But it says Euston on the side!" I protested.
"Doesn't. Get off."
"But it does! It says Euston." I murmured. Feeling strangely out of love with the man.
The next customer gets on.
"Ticket to Euston please."
"I'm-not-going-to-Euston-get-off-my-bus."
The next passenger tried to get on.
"Euston, mate."
"No!" yells the Driver, full of vicious joy at his power.
At which point, something wonderful happened. I forgot to mention that standing at the busstop was the audience from an Electric Six concert who started to sing "Euston! Euston!" to the tune of GayBar.
The bus driver panicked and roared away, door still open.
It should be made legal to do really horrible things to nasty bus drivers. Like take away their tea cakes, or put coleslaw in all their sandwiches.
Thursday, August 21, 2003
Old Blue Peter
We're watching an old episode of Blue Peter in the office. Suddenly, Simon Groom is dressed as a christmas tree. Shame.
Whisky and SitUps
Never see your personal trainer drunk.
When I woke up this morning (after a charming evening with Bradley, the young man from Ladies' Accessories) I felt brilliant. Of course, it wasn't until I jumped on my bike, wobbled towards an oncoming lorry and started giggling that I began to suspect that I was still trolleyed.
And so it proved. The only thing actually keeping me on my feet and functioning was the Red Bull still marching around my system and issuing orders like an over-practical lesbian at a picnic.
Tom the trainer was his usual sympathetic self when I sashayed happily into the gym.
"Y'aright?" he asked.
"I'm pissed, bless you for asking!" I announced, swaying.
"Fine. Let's go for a really nasty run and then some sit ups."
I paled.
He clapped me on the shoulder. "Don't worry! I was joking. We'll leave out the sit ups."
*** YEARS OF AGONY LATER ***
I was lying down on a bench to do a bench press. Feeling comfortable.
Tom was talking.
I shut my eyes.
Tom's voice got gentler and gentler, fading slowly away.
I opened an eye and glared at Tom.
"Were you doing that deliberately?"
"No! Why would I do....that?"
*** FIFTEEN MORE YEARS OF AGONY ***
"James, stop turning your head."
"I was looking to you for reassurance."
"James - you can feel my reassurance. Waves of it washing over you. Now, stop moving your head. The sooner we do this, the sooner we can do some more sit ups."
When I woke up this morning (after a charming evening with Bradley, the young man from Ladies' Accessories) I felt brilliant. Of course, it wasn't until I jumped on my bike, wobbled towards an oncoming lorry and started giggling that I began to suspect that I was still trolleyed.
And so it proved. The only thing actually keeping me on my feet and functioning was the Red Bull still marching around my system and issuing orders like an over-practical lesbian at a picnic.
Tom the trainer was his usual sympathetic self when I sashayed happily into the gym.
"Y'aright?" he asked.
"I'm pissed, bless you for asking!" I announced, swaying.
"Fine. Let's go for a really nasty run and then some sit ups."
I paled.
He clapped me on the shoulder. "Don't worry! I was joking. We'll leave out the sit ups."
*** YEARS OF AGONY LATER ***
I was lying down on a bench to do a bench press. Feeling comfortable.
Tom was talking.
I shut my eyes.
Tom's voice got gentler and gentler, fading slowly away.
I opened an eye and glared at Tom.
"Were you doing that deliberately?"
"No! Why would I do....that?"
*** FIFTEEN MORE YEARS OF AGONY ***
"James, stop turning your head."
"I was looking to you for reassurance."
"James - you can feel my reassurance. Waves of it washing over you. Now, stop moving your head. The sooner we do this, the sooner we can do some more sit ups."
Wednesday, August 20, 2003
Bad Books: Death of a Constant Lover II
And here's how the book ends.... (look away if you're planning on reading it).
So, Delaney, the beautiful scheming student is dead. So is Jesse, another student. Jesse's father, the head of the history faculty, is grief-stricken. The wrong man is promptly arrested.
A copy of a book by an obscure French author called Constant was found on Jesse's body (hence the title. ho ho ho). This was mentioned but then forgotten about.
Nick, our hero, finally reads the back cover blurb of the book and solves the mystery. It is about a sinister young man who seduces an older woman. He realises that Delaney killed Jesse, because Jesse had discovered that Delaney drove his mother to suicide. Nick goes off to confront Jesse's father who admits that, yes, he was the murderer. And he has Delaney's appallingly unsettling diaries. He would like Nick to go home and read them and then decide what to do with them.
So.... Nick knows who has committed two murders, and holds VITAL evidence which could free an innocent man, and bring down the entire campus administration.
Here's what happens next (with page numbers)
262: Nick gets home. Stefan is cooking. They talk about French literature
263: Nick explains the plot of the Constant book.
264: Stefan says Nick shouldn't have confronted the murderer on his own.
265: They start to read the diary. "We broke off when the timer rang. We ate wild mushroom lasagne...."
266: They load the dishwasher. "The quiet chugging seemed to mirror Stefan's musing..."
267: They read more of the diary. Then they talk about an offer Nick's received to edit a book.
268: They talk more about Nick's career prospects on campus.
269: They remember that an innocent man is in jail. They leave a voicemail with the police, watch a movie, and go to bed.
So, Delaney, the beautiful scheming student is dead. So is Jesse, another student. Jesse's father, the head of the history faculty, is grief-stricken. The wrong man is promptly arrested.
A copy of a book by an obscure French author called Constant was found on Jesse's body (hence the title. ho ho ho). This was mentioned but then forgotten about.
Nick, our hero, finally reads the back cover blurb of the book and solves the mystery. It is about a sinister young man who seduces an older woman. He realises that Delaney killed Jesse, because Jesse had discovered that Delaney drove his mother to suicide. Nick goes off to confront Jesse's father who admits that, yes, he was the murderer. And he has Delaney's appallingly unsettling diaries. He would like Nick to go home and read them and then decide what to do with them.
So.... Nick knows who has committed two murders, and holds VITAL evidence which could free an innocent man, and bring down the entire campus administration.
Here's what happens next (with page numbers)
262: Nick gets home. Stefan is cooking. They talk about French literature
263: Nick explains the plot of the Constant book.
264: Stefan says Nick shouldn't have confronted the murderer on his own.
265: They start to read the diary. "We broke off when the timer rang. We ate wild mushroom lasagne...."
266: They load the dishwasher. "The quiet chugging seemed to mirror Stefan's musing..."
267: They read more of the diary. Then they talk about an offer Nick's received to edit a book.
268: They talk more about Nick's career prospects on campus.
269: They remember that an innocent man is in jail. They leave a voicemail with the police, watch a movie, and go to bed.
Even my dog knew....
Wandered dozily out of the tube station last night as it shut.
Two skinheads lurched up to me. One of them roared "Oi! Oi!"
Figuring I was cornered, I smiled weakly.
"Do you know any good pubs round here?" demanded one. The other belched.
"Er. What sort of pub?"
"Gay pubs, you gorgeous fool."
I gave them directions to the Black Cap. They gave me a bottle of rather nice white wine.
Two skinheads lurched up to me. One of them roared "Oi! Oi!"
Figuring I was cornered, I smiled weakly.
"Do you know any good pubs round here?" demanded one. The other belched.
"Er. What sort of pub?"
"Gay pubs, you gorgeous fool."
I gave them directions to the Black Cap. They gave me a bottle of rather nice white wine.
Take Time Back, Sapphire
- But I don't have the receipt.
> Take it back anyway. Tell them you've only worn it once.
> Take it back anyway. Tell them you've only worn it once.
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