Finally some good news

No child porn charges to be brought against Forest Gate victim

First they thought he was a terrorist. Then a Brazilian. Finally a child pornographer. Goodness. Next week they'll arrest him over the sinking of the Belgrano and the disappearance of Lord Lucan.

I predict a front cover of the Daily Express will link him, somehow, to Diana.

So that was Blake's 7

Well, goodness me. The last series of Blake's 7 is strange.

For a start, someone's flicked the switch from "camp" to "gay".

It opens with the crew being rescued by Dorian, a sexy rogue who achieves immortality by luring young men to his glittering cave.

Fans of Blake's 7 please note:
- Yes, Dorian is genuinely sexy, rather than just "sexy for someone in Blake's 7".
- No, he's not the only one.

The last year of Blake's 7 features genuine boy totty. Servalan is no longer the most attractive man in the show. Suddenly, the series is full of atheltic young men, dashing guards, and a slick of hair gel.

There's an S&M computer called Slave ("thank you, Master"), and vile computer Orac has started behaving like a prissy queen who's had their drag show cancelled.

Best of all, we gain Glynis Barber as Soolin. A very attractive woman with a slightly fat arse. The camera is fascinated by her slightly fat arse. Sadly, she and Dayna have to share the same character, so she spends weeks sat on her fat arse.

Sadly, the crew get a new spaceship that only looks good when it's been blown up, and spend 13 miserable episodes failing to get what they want. Every single time. Honest. They are rubbish.

Each week they meet exciting people, and fail to rob them, or recruit them, or conquer their enemies.

Servalan's still there, but looks increasingly bored at having to execute Fat Gay Comedy Villan Of The Week. She's starting to remind me of Gina G. I can't explain that, but she is.

And then there's the last episode. Which is magnificent bobbins. 45 minutes of not much in a wood, followed by 5 minutes of slo-mo slaughter.

Possibly the best thing about it, surprisingly, is the commentary track to Assassin, where half-way through Jacqueline Pearce unleashes a bitch fest on an actress which lasts till the closing credits.

I shall miss Blake's 7. It's still the oddest thing the BBC made - it hurled itself at greatness and missed spectacularly. And I still want to have a go on the Liberator...

Meanwhile, the Affair...

The Affair texts: "How awful! I'm home alone."

Irritatingly, it takes me nearly two hours from door to shag. This is all London's fault. Why, when you're heading somewhere important (toy shops, interesting meetings, and the affair), does London just grind to a halt? Trains stop running, cabs vanish from the street, and bus drivers look the other way.

But how pleasant it is, to be hurrying through leafy South London on an Autumn afternoon with only one thing on your mind.

Discovery: the Affair is worried about limescale.

Devil Wears Prada

Amazing film. But a bit too close to home. I spent the entire film whimpering with fear and sympathy.

FAVOURITE BIT: When she has to get the next Harry Potter book

WORST BIT: The cop-out ending. There's a really, really good ending to this film. 5 minutes earlier. Instead, there's a warm feel-good coda, a bit of redemption, and the unlikeliest newspaper editor in history.

Archers Update: Aw noooo

Ruth and Sam the cowherd are enjoying adulterous kisses in the cowshed.

RUTH: Oooh Sam.

SAM: Oh Ruth.

(wet endless kissing noises)

RUTH: Oh this is wrong, Sam, wrong.

SAM: Oh, no, Ruth, it's right.

RUTH: Oh Sam!

SAM: Oh Ruth!

COW: Moooo.

The law won

Last week's lawyer was true to his word, and summoned me to a hotel in the middle of nowhere.

The tax conference seemed as vile as you could imagine, with The Lawyer managing to smuggle me into his room in between seminars.

After we'd tried out the entire bathroom (including shower caps. what the hell are they?), The Lawyer announced he was off for a Working Supper with his tax chums in the restaurant.

"You could always come down to the restaurant on your own, you know. You can distract me."

So I did.

There he sat, at one end of the restaurant surrounded by endless talk about accomplished children, violin lessons, ponies and holiday homes. And, at the other end, I sat reading Vanity Fair and cadging cigarettes off the barman.

I ended up, sat in a wood-panelled lounge in front of a roaring fire, dozing off gently with a pot of coffee, waiting for The Lawyer to finish his meal.

"I feel like a hooker!" I texted a friend in giddy excitement.
"Hookers get paid," came the reply.

Next week, he's visiting a client in Harlech. He'd like me to attend.

Top facts about The Lawyer
#1) He also teaches Karate
#2) He once flew a client's ashes to Iceland.

Most worrying URL....?

http://www.money4yourstory.co.uk

"As a single working mom with two kids and a divorce from hell behind me, I do understand how difficult life can be. So please don't be shy to call me and tell me your story."

Quite the best West Wing review ever..

It's bloody hard to know what to say about West Wing series 7. It's got the wrong wedding, a star drops dead during filming, and it's no longer really about The West Wing - and yet it's still amazing.

It's still really hard to pin down - especially with The Presidential Debate episode in which the Alan Alda and Jimmy Smits debated in character live on TV. Wow. And yet, yawn. I don't think I'll ever know, so instead I'll hand you over to the staggering review from summary site TV Without Pity:

"The Debate - At the debate, Vinick and Santos throw out all the rules. We decide to follow their example, and recap a completely different show. It was just boring. To remedy that, I will be mixing this recap of The West Wing with a recap of the third episode of Mile High, the sexy British series about a group of sexy flight attendants who work for a sexy airline. It has none of the good qualities of The West Wing -- the acting and writing are atrocious, and the show is as meaningful as a bite of cotton candy. But at least its producers haven't forgotten that their main job is to entertain us. Plus, it's sexy.... [ More ]"

Read the whole thing. It's hilarious.

How I got my mojo back

"I should let you know I'm very shy," said the lawyer as he threw me onto the bed.

***

I've always believed that if someone you take a fancy to leaves a bar on their own, you should follow them and say hello. On the few occasions that i've put it into practice, it's worked out very well.

Last night was a lawyer who seems to own most of Derby. He's coming back next week to address a tax conference. I've been ordered to turn up at his hotel and wait. There's a four poster bed invovled. How exciting! I'm being treated like a cheap Latvuanian prostitute.

Don't grow old...

My parent's neighbour rings me. She's 84.

"Do you know - I can't get travel insurance? Can you believe it? You get over 81, and all of a sudden they get really picky. They won't even let me go paragliding any more..."