New Year's Thieve

Scottee's Camp was the most entertaining piece of theatre I went to last year, combining modern cabaret with old time music hall - but on a housing estate. OAP hip-hop, Dickie Beau and hula-hoop dancing.

So, when Scottee announced he was putting Camp on for New Year's Eve, we jumped at the chance. It was a great line-up to see the new year in with, and immediately solved the night - no need to invite friends round, no need to stand in a club telling each other What Fun We Are Having while reaching for another drink.

We got there at 9.30 to find things hadn't kicked off yet. There were a lot of balloons and Bourgeois and Maurice DJing. We sat down and waited for things to start.

By 11pm, there were even more balloons. And that was it.

"I'm bored," said the people next to us. They drank a bottle of cava glumly and left. Some of us were passing the time throwing balloons at each other. Other people were taking What Fun We Are Having selfies to reassure themselves (Reasselfies?). We were thoroughly bored. It was like being at a wedding with strangers and no sugared almonds. But, surely, at any moment...

A woman materialised at our table. "Hi. Are you having a great evening?"
"Yes," we replied politely.
"Oh that's great, great," she said. And then a tiny pause. "Thing is, I've got some emergency VIPs, so I'm going to need your table."
Being nice, and British, we stood up without a murmur. But we were furious. There were so many ways of handling that. But that was basically "Fuck off plebs" with a smile.

So, we were standing. In a room full of balloons. With nothing happening.

We left. Given that the cloakroom was somewhere in Narnia we didn't storm out. We sort of progressed. Like Gloriana. If she was having a really bad night and Essex hadn't texted her back.

As we left, we passed a man in an office. I wondered about quietly telling him what a disappointing time it had been. But as I did, an "I Work In PR And Events" Woman swished up to him.
"How's it going?" he asked.
"Oh gawd," she rolled her eyes. "You know. People."

We went home and saw in the new year watching 30 Rock and getting very drunk. It was marvellous.