Monday, April 28, 2008

Corrections & Clarifications

From The Independent Music Magazine:

"In a previous Story of the Song, on The Beat's "Mirror in the Bathroom" we said the lyrics referred to cocaine. The composer Dave Wakeling says that, in fact, they refer to not wanting to leave the warmth of the bathroom to go to a job on a snowy building site."

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Why I love Vanity Fair reason #72

"Charles Webb, 68, and his wife, Fred (she had her name changed from Eve in solidarity with a now defunct support group for men with low self-esteem), currently lie in Eastbourne..."
From The Making of The Graduate, March 2008

Thursday, April 24, 2008

oh hello

Top secret time-eating project has been announced on Amazon a bit. If you squint. Bizarrely, I logged in looking for my usual old green crime, and it recommended me to me. Bang!

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Animal Story of the Week: The Snake

Another stupidly busy week. So here's a true story from a local radio phone in. One of those "tells us about your pets" hours.

"So, anyway, I've got this pet snake, and it's not been eating. You know, a pythony thing. And it suddenly stopped eating. Nothing worked. Not even mice. So, I took it to the vet, and the vet said sometimes they get like this and not to worry - they always eat eventually.

But it carried on and on. And I thought, well maybe it was feeling bored of being in its tanks. So I took it out of the tank to see if it wanted to eat then, and it just went behind the sofa and stayed there. So perhaps that wasn't the problem.

Anyway, I woke up the next morning, and it was lying stretched out on the bed next to me. Which you know, was a bit odd but kind of cute.

So I told the vet this and the vet said 'Ah, well, sometimes if they've got their eye on a particular bit of prey, they starve themselves, especially if it's big prey. And then, when they're fairly sure there's room enough for them, they lie down next to them, just to see if they'll fit it all in.'"

I've no idea of the source or veracity of this, but it has been amusing me quietly for days.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Gawd i'm knackered

I'll try and update properly. But goodness me I am tired. But you know, for several good reasons.

Anyway, I'm too tired to swear inventively. The other day had a slight cyclist vs errant pedestrian argument. Each of us was convinced we were right, he was just smugger than me. And, as he walked away, I just knew I had to have the very last word. So I summoned up all my vinegar and yelled at him the following word:


Yep. Dunno what happened there, Jeeves.

Things to update about: Boys, Vegans, Galactica, Work, Cthulhu, Plays, Anchovy-stuffed olives, and Hotel Babylon (of course).

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

East 17 - Stay Another Day

I caught this on TV the other morning, and was transfixed:

How can I have forgotten completely about this? How can the sun still turn in the sky without this being projected on the clouds on a loop? Watch it. Is it not transfixingly strange?

  • Brian Harvey is wearing an entire Scottish Gift Shoppe.
  • They all look like they shouldn't be left alone with musical instruments.
  • They keep shooting the camera moody ferret glances that say "Yes, I am Trouble, but I will give you sex".
  • There's a weedy boy who plays the piano and they probably beat up for lunch money.
  • It's all a bit like the Cadbury's Gorilla advert.
  • Only they keep pissing themselves laughing.
  • But in a carefully manufactured way.

I mean, it's such a girlie song. East 17 were supposed to shag you roughly on a Peugeot using a mars bar wrapper as a prophylactic. And yet this song says "but yeah, we also love you really with out hearts of gold". And just when you're trying to work out the layers of irony, marketing and brand confusion... SLEIGH BELLS!


I woke up to discover I'd lost 5 grand last month. Didn't even notice much. The whole House Prices Plummet Panic is bizarre, but pales into significance with the chip finally falling out of my Switch card, somewhere on the Northern Line.

While my bank and I begin the predatory mating dance which is "delivering a new card", I find myself temporarily embarrassed financially. I managed for a few days on the last scrapings from my gold card, but that ground to a halt yesterday in Costcutter just before I could lay my hands on some vodka and cherryade ("You were going to mix those?" asked Mr Patel, shaking his head sadly and returning my dead card to me. His look said that perhaps it was for the best. And yes, he really is called Mr Patel. I live on Pigeon Street).

So, until I get my new card and can unlock whatever lurks in my current account, I must survive on what's in my pocket. Which sadly turns out to be four extra strong mints and £2.10.

Saturday, April 05, 2008


has emailed to ask if I'd like to buy either "Nanny and the Professor" or "Silk Stalkings 6". What-the what-the what-the?

Saturday Magazines

The problem with them is that they're all very well, until you read on the problems page:

Q: I scraped my brand new ceramic butler's sink with an aluminium preserving pan as I made marmalade. Am I stuck with these marks for ever?

A: All you need to do is, with the tap running, rub a wet pumice stone against the marks.

Go out! Have an affair! Shoot someone! Get a cat! Buy a non-organic vegetable. Or a ready meal. Just... oh god. Do something. I am cutting this out and pinning it up in the kitchen to remind me. You know, for whenever I think "should I bother going out?"

Friday, April 04, 2008


At a Hotel Babylon script meeting:

"That's the problem with Andy's scripts. He's always leaving his whores lying around."

Thursday, April 03, 2008

Great news for the future of television

Hotel Babylon Gets Fourth Series

It really has been dreadful this year in a deliciously vile way. The hilarity's been helped enormously by bringing in a whole new set of characters - but keeping the cast the same.

The John Barrowman episode was probably the one where it jumped the shark. Although it would be a diamante encrusted shark, and like we care.

Wednesday, April 02, 2008