Wednesday, November 23, 2016

Latest news from "Britain First"


The murderer of Jo Cox was sentenced today. At his trial, much was understandably made of him shouting "Britain First!" while carrying out the killing.
I remember the immediate aftermath when that quote first surfaced. Twitter had people arguing that he'd instead said "Put Britain first" (therefore not directly allying himself with the fascist party). Britain First themselves rushed to distance themselves from the killer in their statement. Sadly, someone quickly found pictures of the murderer at their rallies (if a rally is three men outside a drab shopping centre), cunning hidden on Britain First's Facebook page.
At his trial, his neighbours continued to say he was a nice, quiet man - not in support of him, but with understandable bemusement. The guy in the flat opposite with a sofa in the garden, a large dog and a St George flag in the window? Yeah, probably a racist. But someone who mows the lawn, smiles to neighbours and keeps up with recycling? Surely not. People like that can't be racists... can they?

Among the latest news on Britain First's site is a Press release about a halal steakhouse opening. The headline is about "Islamisation", when the article demonstrates exactly the opposite. What could be more integrated than Muslims wanting to open a steakhouse selling "sweet potato fries". The press release also notes that "the meat comes from British butchers and farmers"... surely... surely this can't be a bad thing?
The press release goes on to tell you it is "just 10 minutes walk from the city centre". Never has that phrase seemed more sinister. Perhaps, somehow those evil restaurateurs are planning on weaponising halal sticky BBQ ribs in a devastating attack on Preston Debenhams?
The piece ends having told you when the restaurant opens and exactly where it is. It leaves it there, but you've now got enough information to skip mowing the lawn and, I dunno, go and stand outside wearing a t-shirt that wittily and subtly addresses the integrationism of a restaurant that serves mocktails.
Of course, if you've not managed to take offense at this, up pops a survey asking if you agree "there should be an end to the cruel practice of halal slaughter?". Your options are "YES" and "CLOSE".
There's your neat little takeaway to swap with your neighbour while you're recycling cardboard. "I've nothing against the Muslims. No it's not the colour of their skin, or their foreignness, or anything like that, no. It's the way they prepare their meat that really gets my goat".

Sunday, October 02, 2016

Penny, Project Manager Of The Daleks


Originally A History Of The Universe In 100 Objects included a section where the Daleks hired a capable project manager caled Penny to cast a professional eye over some of their plans…

INT. Earth, Bedfordshire c.2167
PENNY: Thanks for the gift basket, by the way. A tin of pineapple, some bread and an orange, how thoughtful.

BLACK DALEK: Don’t mention it.

PENNY: Now, about Project: Degravitate…

BLACK DALEK: Yes?

PENNY: Well, why?

BLACK DALEK: I’m sorry?

PENNY: Forgive me, but why would you want to fly a planet through space?

BLACK DALEK: Look, we have our reasons.

PENNY: Well, I’m just a little worried about drilling down to the 
Earth’s core.

BLACK DALEK: We dare to tamper with the forces of creation.

PENNY: Yes, you dare, but isn’t there a danger of volcanic activity?
Black: In Bedfordshire? I hardly think so.

PENNY: Ohh-kay…

***

INT. Skaro, Dalek city, c.2265

DALEK SUPREME: Well what do you think?

PENNY: Well, first off, I really like the time machine.

DALEK: But…?

PENNY: It’s Stage 2 I’m worried about.

DALEK: What’s wrong with ‘Infiltrate and kill’?

PENNY: Nothing per se – I’ve just a teensy worry about building a robot duplicate.

DALEK: It will be a success! A paramount success! It will be completely indistinguishable from the original!
PENNY: Yes, that’s what worries me. What if you get them confused?

***

INT. Kembel, 4000

DALEK SUPREME: Ultimate success is within our grasp! The Galactic Alliance have joined with us! They are even giving us a full emm of Taranium! They’re actually building the Time Destructor for us! The fools!

PENNY: This Time Destructor…

DALEK SUPREME: Will age everything to death within seconds, yes.

PENNY: Within what kind of radius?

DALEK SUPREME: A very, very big one!

PENNY: Oh dear.

DALEK SUPREME: What?

***

INT. Skaro, Dalek city, 41st century

EMPEROR DALEK: Report!

PENNY: Well, there’s good news and bad.

EMPEROR DALEK: Explain!

PENNY: Your plan to spread the Dalek Factor through all of space and time – I can’t fault that bit…

EMPEROR DALEK: But!

PENNY: Explain how your Arch works again…

EMPEROR DALEK: Anything that passes through the Arch will be infected with the Dalek Factor! They will obey without question! All Daleks will pass through the Arch! To Make Sure!

PENNY: All the same…

EMPEROR DALEK: What! Let's not fight in here!

PENNY: I’m just wondering – what if someone switched the Human Factor with the Dalek Factor…

***

INT. Earth, 22nd century

GOLD DALEK: We will follow the rebels back through time! We will make sure they blow up the peace conference! Our timeline will be assured!

PENNY: You know, if it were up to me, I’d be tempted to leave well alone…

***

INT. Skaro, Kaled bunker, c.1450

DAVROS: … and I am proudest of this red button. It is my greatest achievement!

PENNY: So pressing it will blow up all the Daleks?

DAVROS: Every single one. Such power will set me up among the gods!
Penny: Hmm…

***

INT. Dalek command fleet, c.4500

SUPREME DALEK: Davros will help us win our war against the Movellans!

PENNY: But you exterminated him!

SUPREME DALEK: Davros is not the type to bear a grudge.
Penny: But he’s ordered all your forces to go and blow up the Movellan ship.

SUPREME DALEK: Correct. They will press themselves against the hull.

PENNY: Are you absolutely sure there’s no other way of blowing it up?

SUPREME DALEK: We’re out of Taranium.

***

INT. Dalek battle cruiser, c.4590

SUPREME DALEK: Davros will help us win our fight against the Movellans!

PENNY: But—

SUPREME DALEK: And while he isolates the Movellan virus, our robot duplicates will position themselves in Earth’s government and take control of the planet!

PENNY: I—

SUPREME DALEK: AND while they’re doing that, our duplicates of the Doctor and his associates will return to Gallifrey and assassinate the members of the High Council!

PENNY: I…

SUPREME DALEK: Well? Are you not impressed? Speak!

PENNY: It’s just, you know, we talked about trying to do just one thing well?

SUPREME DALEK: I was listening.

PENNY: Sure you were. I’m also going to raise the issue of that prison ship. I’m coming back to it having a big red auto-destruct button. Those things never work out well for you.

SUPREME DALEK: Unimportant! Davros must be allowed to work on the virus!

PENNY: Now, see, I’m also worried about that…

***

INT. Skaro, 47th century, Meeting Room

SUPREME DALEK: We will bring Davros back to Skaro and place him on trial!

PENNY: (sighs) Are there any more pastries?

***

INT. Skaro, 47th century

DAVROS: Locating the Hand of Omega will give us mastery of the Time Vortex.

PENNY: Sorry, but how?

DAVROS: By sending a sun supernova!

PENNY: Do you know which one?

DAVROS: I’ll look into it and get back to you.

***

INT. Dalek saucer, 200,100

DALEK EMPEROR: I shall purify the Earth with fire!

PENNY: But don’t you also want to harvest the Earth’s population?

DALEK EMPEROR: Yes.

PENNY: Bad Wolf.

DALEK EMPEROR: I’m sorry?

PENNY: Nothing.

***

INT. Dalek Crucible, 2009

PENNY: Let me run through the bullet points – the Reality Bomb will wipe out not just all life in the universe, but also all matter?

SUPREME DALEK: Yes. In this universe and all universes.

PENNY: Lovely! Including you?

SUPREME DALEK: We’re still fine-tuning the granularity on that. But yes. Pretty much everything. Apart from Adelaide Brook.

PENNY: Who?

SUPREME DALEK: Don’t know. But anyway, everything but her.

PENNY: And can I check… there isn’t a big red auto-destruct button is there?

SUPREME DALEK: No, no. We’re on top of that one this time.

PENNY: Excellent.

SUPREME DALEK: Oh no. We’ve replaced it with a big red button that will reverse the effects of the Reality Bomb.

PENNY: Ah.

***

INT. Dalek saucer, ad 102

DALEK SUPREME: … and so that’s why we are forming the Pandorica Alliance!

PENNY: Really? What will happen if you don’t?

DALEK SUPREME: All life will be wiped out in this universe and all universes.

PENNY: I thought that was what you wanted last time?

DALEK SUPREME: Really? You sure? It’s just the Drahvins did a very good Powerpoint.

PENNY: Gosh, is that the time? Must dash. I’ve got a meeting with the Silence. They’re planning on invading the Earth at the dawn of time in order to build a spacesuit.

DALEK SUPREME: You are kidding.

***


Penny, Project Manager Of The Daleks


Originally A History Of The Universe In 100 Objects included a section where the Daleks hired a capable project manager caled Penny to cast a professional eye over some of their plans…

INT. Earth, Bedfordshire c.2167
PENNY: Thanks for the gift basket, by the way. A tin of pineapple, some bread and an orange, how thoughtful.

BLACK DALEK: Don’t mention it.

PENNY: Now, about Project: Degravitate…

BLACK DALEK: Yes?

PENNY: Well, why?

BLACK DALEK: I’m sorry?

PENNY: Forgive me, but why would you want to fly a planet through space?

BLACK DALEK: Look, we have our reasons.

PENNY: Well, I’m just a little worried about drilling down to the 
Earth’s core.

BLACK DALEK: We dare to tamper with the forces of creation.

PENNY: Yes, you dare, but isn’t there a danger of volcanic activity?
Black: In Bedfordshire? I hardly think so.

PENNY: Ohh-kay…

***

INT. Skaro, Dalek city, c.2265

DALEK SUPREME: Well what do you think?

PENNY: Well, first off, I really like the time machine.

DALEK: But…?

PENNY: It’s Stage 2 I’m worried about.

DALEK: What’s wrong with ‘Infiltrate and kill’?

PENNY: Nothing per se – I’ve just a teensy worry about building a robot duplicate.

DALEK: It will be a success! A paramount success! It will be completely indistinguishable from the original!
PENNY: Yes, that’s what worries me. What if you get them confused?

***

INT. Kembel, 4000

DALEK SUPREME: Ultimate success is within our grasp! The Galactic Alliance have joined with us! They are even giving us a full emm of Taranium! They’re actually building the Time Destructor for us! The fools!

PENNY: This Time Destructor…

DALEK SUPREME: Will age everything to death within seconds, yes.

PENNY: Within what kind of radius?

DALEK SUPREME: A very, very big one!

PENNY: Oh dear.

DALEK SUPREME: What?

***

INT. Skaro, Dalek city, 41st century

EMPEROR DALEK: Report!

PENNY: Well, there’s good news and bad.

EMPEROR DALEK: Explain!

PENNY: Your plan to spread the Dalek Factor through all of space and time – I can’t fault that bit…

EMPEROR DALEK: But!

PENNY: Explain how your Arch works again…

EMPEROR DALEK: Anything that passes through the Arch will be infected with the Dalek Factor! They will obey without question! All Daleks will pass through the Arch! To Make Sure!

PENNY: All the same…

EMPEROR DALEK: What! Let's not fight in here!

PENNY: I’m just wondering – what if someone switched the Human Factor with the Dalek Factor…

***

INT. Earth, 22nd century

GOLD DALEK: We will follow the rebels back through time! We will make sure they blow up the peace conference! Our timeline will be assured!

PENNY: You know, if it were up to me, I’d be tempted to leave well alone…

***

INT. Skaro, Kaled bunker, c.1450

DAVROS: … and I am proudest of this red button. It is my greatest achievement!

PENNY: So pressing it will blow up all the Daleks?

DAVROS: Every single one. Such power will set me up among the gods!
Penny: Hmm…

***

INT. Dalek command fleet, c.4500

SUPREME DALEK: Davros will help us win our war against the Movellans!

PENNY: But you exterminated him!

SUPREME DALEK: Davros is not the type to bear a grudge.
Penny: But he’s ordered all your forces to go and blow up the Movellan ship.

SUPREME DALEK: Correct. They will press themselves against the hull.

PENNY: Are you absolutely sure there’s no other way of blowing it up?

SUPREME DALEK: We’re out of Taranium.

***

INT. Dalek battle cruiser, c.4590

SUPREME DALEK: Davros will help us win our fight against the Movellans!

PENNY: But—

SUPREME DALEK: And while he isolates the Movellan virus, our robot duplicates will position themselves in Earth’s government and take control of the planet!

PENNY: I—

SUPREME DALEK: AND while they’re doing that, our duplicates of the Doctor and his associates will return to Gallifrey and assassinate the members of the High Council!

PENNY: I…

SUPREME DALEK: Well? Are you not impressed? Speak!

PENNY: It’s just, you know, we talked about trying to do just one thing well?

SUPREME DALEK: I was listening.

PENNY: Sure you were. I’m also going to raise the issue of that prison ship. I’m coming back to it having a big red auto-destruct button. Those things never work out well for you.

SUPREME DALEK: Unimportant! Davros must be allowed to work on the virus!

PENNY: Now, see, I’m also worried about that…

***

INT. Skaro, 47th century, Meeting Room

SUPREME DALEK: We will bring Davros back to Skaro and place him on trial!

PENNY: (sighs) Are there any more pastries?

***

INT. Skaro, 47th century

DAVROS: Locating the Hand of Omega will give us mastery of the Time Vortex.

PENNY: Sorry, but how?

DAVROS: By sending a sun supernova!

PENNY: Do you know which one?

DAVROS: I’ll look into it and get back to you.

***

INT. Dalek saucer, 200,100

DALEK EMPEROR: I shall purify the Earth with fire!

PENNY: But don’t you also want to harvest the Earth’s population?

DALEK EMPEROR: Yes.

PENNY: Bad Wolf.

DALEK EMPEROR: I’m sorry?

PENNY: Nothing.

***

INT. Dalek Crucible, 2009

PENNY: Let me run through the bullet points – the Reality Bomb will wipe out not just all life in the universe, but also all matter?

SUPREME DALEK: Yes. In this universe and all universes.

PENNY: Lovely! Including you?

SUPREME DALEK: We’re still fine-tuning the granularity on that. But yes. Pretty much everything. Apart from Adelaide Brook.

PENNY: Who?

SUPREME DALEK: Don’t know. But anyway, everything but her.

PENNY: And can I check… there isn’t a big red auto-destruct button is there?

SUPREME DALEK: No, no. We’re on top of that one this time.

PENNY: Excellent.

SUPREME DALEK: Oh no. We’ve replaced it with a big red button that will reverse the effects of the Reality Bomb.

PENNY: Ah.

***

INT. Dalek saucer, ad 102

DALEK SUPREME: … and so that’s why we are forming the Pandorica Alliance!

PENNY: Really? What will happen if you don’t?

DALEK SUPREME: All life will be wiped out in this universe and all universes.

PENNY: I thought that was what you wanted last time?

DALEK SUPREME: Really? You sure? It’s just the Drahvins did a very good Powerpoint.

PENNY: Gosh, is that the time? Must dash. I’ve got a meeting with the Silence. They’re planning on invading the Earth at the dawn of time in order to build a spacesuit.

DALEK SUPREME: You are kidding.

***


Penny, Project Manager Of The Daleks


Originally A History Of The Universe In 100 Objects included a section where the Daleks hired a capable project manager caled Penny to cast a professional eye over some of their plans…

INT. Earth, Bedfordshire c.2167
PENNY: Thanks for the gift basket, by the way. A tin of pineapple, some bread and an orange, how thoughtful.

BLACK DALEK: Don’t mention it.

PENNY: Now, about Project: Degravitate…

BLACK DALEK: Yes?

PENNY: Well, why?

BLACK DALEK: I’m sorry?

PENNY: Forgive me, but why would you want to fly a planet through space?

BLACK DALEK: Look, we have our reasons.

PENNY: Well, I’m just a little worried about drilling down to the 
Earth’s core.

BLACK DALEK: We dare to tamper with the forces of creation.

PENNY: Yes, you dare, but isn’t there a danger of volcanic activity?
Black: In Bedfordshire? I hardly think so.

PENNY: Ohh-kay…

***

INT. Skaro, Dalek city, c.2265

DALEK SUPREME: Well what do you think?

PENNY: Well, first off, I really like the time machine.

DALEK: But…?

PENNY: It’s Stage 2 I’m worried about.

DALEK: What’s wrong with ‘Infiltrate and kill’?

PENNY: Nothing per se – I’ve just a teensy worry about building a robot duplicate.

DALEK: It will be a success! A paramount success! It will be completely indistinguishable from the original!
PENNY: Yes, that’s what worries me. What if you get them confused?

***

INT. Kembel, 4000

DALEK SUPREME: Ultimate success is within our grasp! The Galactic Alliance have joined with us! They are even giving us a full emm of Taranium! They’re actually building the Time Destructor for us! The fools!

PENNY: This Time Destructor…

DALEK SUPREME: Will age everything to death within seconds, yes.

PENNY: Within what kind of radius?

DALEK SUPREME: A very, very big one!

PENNY: Oh dear.

DALEK SUPREME: What?

***

INT. Skaro, Dalek city, 41st century

EMPEROR DALEK: Report!

PENNY: Well, there’s good news and bad.

EMPEROR DALEK: Explain!

PENNY: Your plan to spread the Dalek Factor through all of space and time – I can’t fault that bit…

EMPEROR DALE: But!

PENNY: Explain how your Arch works again…

EMPEROR DALEK: Anything that passes through the Arch will be infected with the Dalek Factor! They will obey without question! All Daleks will pass through the Arch! To Make Sure!

PENNY: All the same…

EMPEROR DALEK: What! Let's not fight in here!

PENNY: I’m just wondering – what if someone switched the Human Factor with the Dalek Factor…

***

INT. Earth, 22nd century

GOLD DALEK: We will follow the rebels back through time! We will make sure they blow up the peace conference! Our timeline will be assured!

PENNY: You know, if it were up to me, I’d be tempted to leave well alone…

***

INT. Skaro, Kaled bunker, c.1450

DAVROS: … and I am proudest of this red button. It is my greatest achievement!

PENNY: So pressing it will blow up all the Daleks?

DAVROS: Every single one. Such power will set me up among the gods!
Penny: Hmm…

***

INT. Dalek command fleet, c.4500

SUPREME DALEK: Davros will help us win our war against the Movellans!

PENNY: But you exterminated him!

SUPREME DALEK: Davros is not the type to bear a grudge.
Penny: But he’s ordered all your forces to go and blow up the Movellan ship.

SUPREME DALEK: Correct. They will press themselves against the hull.

PENNY: Are you absolutely sure there’s no other way of blowing it up?

SUPREME DALEK: We’re out of Taranium.

***

INT. Dalek battle cruiser, c.4590

SUPREME DALEK: Davros will help us win our fight against the Movellans!

PENNY: But—

SUPREME DALEK: And while he isolates the Movellan virus, our robot duplicates will position themselves in Earth’s government and take control of the planet!

PENNY: I—

SUPREME DALEK: AND while they’re doing that, our duplicates of the Doctor and his associates will return to Gallifrey and assassinate the members of the High Council!

PENNY: I…

SUPREME DALEK: Well? Are you not impressed? Speak!

PENNY: It’s just, you know, we talked about trying to do just one thing well?

SUPREME DALEK: I was listening.

PENNY: Sure you were. I’m also going to raise the issue of that prison ship. I’m coming back to it having a big red auto-destruct button. Those things never work out well for you.

SUPREME DALEK: Unimportant! Davros must be allowed to work on the virus!

PENNY: Now, see, I’m also worried about that…

***

INT. Skaro, 47th century, Meeting Room

SUPREME DALEK: We will bring Davros back to Skaro and place him on trial!

PENNY: (sighs) Are there any more pastries?

***

INT. Skaro, 47th century

DAVROS: Locating the Hand of Omega will give us mastery of the Time Vortex.

PENNY: Sorry, but how?

DAVROS: By sending a sun supernova!

PENNY: Do you know which one?

DAVROS: I’ll look into it and get back to you.

***

INT. Dalek saucer, 200,100

DALEK EMPEROR: I shall purify the Earth with fire!

PENNY: But don’t you also want to harvest the Earth’s population?

DALEK EMPEROR: Yes.

PENNY: Bad Wolf.

DALEK EMPEROR: I’m sorry?

PENNY: Nothing.

***

INT. Dalek Crucible, 2009

PENNY: Let me run through the bullet points – the Reality Bomb will wipe out not just all life in the universe, but also all matter?

SUPREME DALEK: Yes. In this universe and all universes.

PENNY: Lovely! Including you?

SUPREME DALEK: We’re still fine-tuning the granularity on that. But yes. Pretty much everything. Apart from Adelaide Brook.

PENNY: Who?

SUPREME DALEK: Don’t know. But anyway, everything but her.

PENNY: And can I check… there isn’t a big red auto-destruct button is there?

SUPREME DALEK: No, no. We’re on top of that one this time.

PENNY: Excellent.

SUPREME DALEK: Oh no. We’ve replaced it with a big red button that will reverse the effects of the Reality Bomb.

PENNY: Ah.

***

INT. Dalek saucer, ad 102

DALEK SUPREME: … and so that’s why we are forming the Pandorica Alliance!

PENNY: Really? What will happen if you don’t?

DALEK SUPREME: All life will be wiped out in this universe and all universes.

PENNY: I thought that was what you wanted last time?

DALEK SUPREME: Really? You sure? It’s just the Drahvins did a very good Powerpoint.

PENNY: Gosh, is that the time? Must dash. I’ve got a meeting with the Silence. They’re planning on invading the Earth at the dawn of time in order to build a spacesuit.

DALEK SUPREME: You are kidding.

***


Penny, Project Manager Of The Daleks


Originally A History Of The Universe In 100 Objects included a section where the Daleks hired a capable project manager caled Penny to cast a professional eye over some of their plans…

INT. Earth, Bedfordshire c.2167
PENNY: Thanks for the gift basket, by the way. A tin of pineapple, some bread and an orange, how thoughtful.

BLACK DALEK: Don’t mention it.

PENNY: Now, about Project: Degravitate…

BLACK DALEK: Yes?

PENNY: Well, why?

BLACK DALEK: I’m sorry?

PENNY: Forgive me, but why would you want to fly a planet through space?

BLACK DALEK: Look, we have our reasons.

PENNY: Well, I’m just a little worried about drilling down to the 
Earth’s core.

BLACK DALEK: We dare to tamper with the forces of creation.

PENNY: Yes, you dare, but isn’t there a danger of volcanic activity?
Black: In Bedfordshire? I hardly think so.

PENNY: Ohh-kay…

INT. Skaro, Dalek city, c.2265

DALEK SUPREME: Well what do you think?

PENNY: Well, first off, I really like the time machine.

DALEK: But…?

PENNY: It’s Stage 2 I’m worried about.

DALEK: What’s wrong with ‘Infiltrate and kill’?

PENNY: Nothing per se – I’ve just a teensy worry about building a robot duplicate.

DALEK: It will be a success! A paramount success! It will be completely indistinguishable from the original!
PENNY: Yes, that’s what worries me. What if you get them confused?

INT. Kembel, 4000

DALEK SUPREME: Ultimate success is within our grasp! The Galactic Alliance have joined with us! They are even giving us a full emm of Taranium! They’re actually building the Time Destructor for us! The fools!

PENNY: This Time Destructor…

DALEK SUPREME: Will age everything to death within seconds, yes.

PENNY: Within what kind of radius?

DALEK SUPREME: A very, very big one!

PENNY: Oh dear.

DALEK SUPREME: What?

INT. Skaro, Dalek city, 41st century

EMPEROR DALEK: Report!

PENNY: Well, there’s good news and bad.

EMPEROR DALEK: Explain!

PENNY: Your plan to spread the Dalek Factor through all of space and time – I can’t fault that bit…

EMPEROR DALE: But!

PENNY: Explain how your Arch works again…

EMPEROR DALEK: Anything that passes through the Arch will be infected with the Dalek Factor! They will obey without question! All Daleks will pass through the Arch! To Make Sure!

PENNY: All the same…

EMPEROR DALEK: What! Let's not fight in here!

PENNY: I’m just wondering – what if someone switched the Human Factor with the Dalek Factor…

INT. Earth, 22nd century

GOLD DALEK: We will follow the rebels back through time! We will make sure they blow up the peace conference! Our timeline will be assured!

PENNY: You know, if it were up to me, I’d be tempted to leave well alone…

INT. Skaro, Kaled bunker, c.1450

DAVROS: … and I am proudest of this red button. It is my greatest achievement!

PENNY: So pressing it will blow up all the Daleks?

DAVROS: Every single one. Such power will set me up among the gods!
Penny: Hmm…

INT. Dalek command fleet, c.4500

SUPREME DALEK: Davros will help us win our war against the Movellans!

PENNY: But you exterminated him!

SUPREME DALEK: Davros is not the type to bear a grudge.
Penny: But he’s ordered all your forces to go and blow up the Movellan ship.

SUPREME DALEK: Correct. They will press themselves against the hull.

PENNY: Are you absolutely sure there’s no other way of blowing it up?

SUPREME DALEK: We’re out of Taranium.

INT. Dalek battle cruiser, c.4590

SUPREME DALEK: Davros will help us win our fight against the Movellans!

PENNY: But—

SUPREME DALEK: And while he isolates the Movellan virus, our robot duplicates will position themselves in Earth’s government and take control of the planet!

PENNY: I—

SUPREME DALEK: AND while they’re doing that, our duplicates of the Doctor and his associates will return to Gallifrey and assassinate the members of the High Council!

PENNY: I…

SUPREME DALEK: Well? Are you not impressed? Speak!

PENNY: It’s just, you know, we talked about trying to do just one thing well?

SUPREME DALE: I was listening.

PENNY: Sure you were. I’m also going to raise the issue of that prison ship. I’m coming back to it having a big red auto-destruct button. Those things never work out well for you.

SUPREME DALEK: Unimportant! Davros must be allowed to work on the virus!

PENNY: Now, see, I’m also worried about that…

INT. Skaro, 47th century, Meeting Room

SUPREME DALEK: We will bring Davros back to Skaro and place him on trial!

PENNY: (sighs) Are there any more pastries?

INT. Skaro, 47th century

DAVROS: Locating the Hand of Omega will give us mastery of the Time Vortex.

PENNY: Sorry, but how?

DAVROS: By sending a sun supernova!

PENNY: Do you know which one?

DAVROS: I’ll look into it and get back to you.

INT. Dalek saucer, 200,100

DALEK EMPEROR: I shall purify the Earth with fire!

PENNY: But don’t you also want to harvest the Earth’s population?

DALEK EMPEROR: Yes.

PENNY: Bad Wolf.

DALEK EMPEROR: I’m sorry?

PENNY: Nothing.

INT. Dalek Crucible, 2009

PENNY: Let me run through the bullet points – the Reality Bomb will wipe out not just all life in the universe, but also all matter?

SUPREME DALEK: Yes. In this universe and all universes.

PENNY: Lovely! Including you?

SUPREME DALEK: We’re still fine-tuning the granularity on that. But yes. Pretty much everything. Apart from Adelaide Brook.

PENNY: Who?

SUPREME DALEK: Don’t know. But anyway, everything but her.

PENNY: And can I check… there isn’t a big red auto-destruct button is there?

SUPREME DALEK: No, no. We’re on top of that one this time.

PENNY: Excellent.

SUPREME DALEK: Oh no. We’ve replaced it with a big red button that will reverse the effects of the Reality Bomb.

PENNY: Ah.

INT. Dalek saucer, ad 102

DALEK SUPREME: … and so that’s why we are forming the Pandorica Alliance!

PENNY: Really? What will happen if you don’t?

DALEK SUPREME: All life will be wiped out in this universe and all universes.

PENNY: I thought that was what you wanted last time?

DALEK SUPREME: Really? You sure? It’s just the Drahvins did a very good Powerpoint.

PENNY: Gosh, is that the time? Must dash. I’ve got a meeting with the Silence. They’re planning on invading the Earth at the dawn of time in order to build a spacesuit.

DALEK SUPREME: You are kidding.