Penny, Project Manager Of The Daleks

Originally A History Of The Universe In 100 Objects included a section where the Daleks hired a capable project manager caled Penny to cast a professional eye over some of their plans…

INT. Earth, Bedfordshire c.2167

PENNY: Thanks for the gift basket, by the way. A tin of pineapple, some bread and an orange, how thoughtful.

BLACK DALEK: Don’t mention it.

PENNY: Now, about Project: Degravitate…

BLACK DALEK: Yes?

PENNY: Well, why?

BLACK DALEK: I’m sorry?

PENNY: Forgive me, but why would you want to fly a planet through space?

BLACK DALEK: Look, we have our reasons.

PENNY: Well, I’m just a little worried about drilling down to the 
Earth’s core.

BLACK DALEK: We dare to tamper with the forces of creation.

PENNY: Yes, you dare, but isn’t there a danger of volcanic activity?

Black: In Bedfordshire? I hardly think so.

PENNY: Ohh-kay…

***

INT. Skaro, Dalek city, c.2265

DALEK SUPREME: Well what do you think?

PENNY: Well, first off, I really like the time machine.

DALEK: But…?

PENNY: It’s Stage 2 I’m worried about.

DALEK: What’s wrong with ‘Infiltrate and kill’?

PENNY: Nothing per se – I’ve just a teensy worry about building a robot duplicate.

DALEK: It will be a success! A paramount success! It will be completely indistinguishable from the original!

PENNY: Yes, that’s what worries me. What if you get them confused?

***

INT. Kembel, 4000

DALEK SUPREME: Ultimate success is within our grasp! The Galactic Alliance have joined with us! They are even giving us a full emm of Taranium! They’re actually building the Time Destructor for us! The fools!

PENNY: This Time Destructor…

DALEK SUPREME: Will age everything to death within seconds, yes.

PENNY: Within what kind of radius?

DALEK SUPREME: A very, very big one!

PENNY: Oh dear.

DALEK SUPREME: What?

***

INT. Skaro, Dalek city, 41st century

EMPEROR DALEK: Report!

PENNY: Well, there’s good news and bad.

EMPEROR DALEK: Explain!

PENNY: Your plan to spread the Dalek Factor through all of space and time – I can’t fault that bit…

EMPEROR DALEK: But!

PENNY: Explain how your Arch works again…

EMPEROR DALEK: Anything that passes through the Arch will be infected with the Dalek Factor! They will obey without question! All Daleks will pass through the Arch! To Make Sure!

PENNY: All the same…

EMPEROR DALEK: What! Let's not fight in here!

PENNY: I’m just wondering – what if someone switched the Human Factor with the Dalek Factor…

***

INT. Earth, 22nd century

GOLD DALEK: We will follow the rebels back through time! We will make sure they blow up the peace conference! Our timeline will be assured!

PENNY: You know, if it were up to me, I’d be tempted to leave well alone…

***

INT. Skaro, Kaled bunker, c.1450

DAVROS: … and I am proudest of this red button. It is my greatest achievement!

PENNY: So pressing it will blow up all the Daleks?

DAVROS: Every single one. Such power will set me up among the gods!

Penny: Hmm…

***

INT. Dalek command fleet, c.4500

SUPREME DALEK: Davros will help us win our war against the Movellans!

PENNY: But you exterminated him!

SUPREME DALEK: Davros is not the type to bear a grudge.

Penny: But he’s ordered all your forces to go and blow up the Movellan ship.

SUPREME DALEK: Correct. They will press themselves against the hull.

PENNY: Are you absolutely sure there’s no other way of blowing it up?

SUPREME DALEK: We’re out of Taranium.

***

INT. Dalek battle cruiser, c.4590

SUPREME DALEK: Davros will help us win our fight against the Movellans!

PENNY: But—

SUPREME DALEK: And while he isolates the Movellan virus, our robot duplicates will position themselves in Earth’s government and take control of the planet!

PENNY: I—

SUPREME DALEK: AND while they’re doing that, our duplicates of the Doctor and his associates will return to Gallifrey and assassinate the members of the High Council!

PENNY: I…

SUPREME DALEK: Well? Are you not impressed? Speak!

PENNY: It’s just, you know, we talked about trying to do just one thing well?

SUPREME DALEK: I was listening.

PENNY: Sure you were. I’m also going to raise the issue of that prison ship. I’m coming back to it having a big red auto-destruct button. Those things never work out well for you.

SUPREME DALEK: Unimportant! Davros must be allowed to work on the virus!

PENNY: Now, see, I’m also worried about that…

***

INT. Skaro, 47th century, Meeting Room

SUPREME DALEK: We will bring Davros back to Skaro and place him on trial!

PENNY: (sighs) Are there any more pastries?

***

INT. Skaro, 47th century

DAVROS: Locating the Hand of Omega will give us mastery of the Time Vortex.

PENNY: Sorry, but how?

DAVROS: By sending a sun supernova!

PENNY: Do you know which one?

DAVROS: I’ll look into it and get back to you.

***

INT. Dalek saucer, 200,100

DALEK EMPEROR: I shall purify the Earth with fire!

PENNY: But don’t you also want to harvest the Earth’s population?

DALEK EMPEROR: Yes.

PENNY: Bad Wolf.

DALEK EMPEROR: I’m sorry?

PENNY: Nothing.

***

INT. Dalek Crucible, 2009

PENNY: Let me run through the bullet points – the Reality Bomb will wipe out not just all life in the universe, but also all matter?

SUPREME DALEK: Yes. In this universe and all universes.

PENNY: Lovely! Including you?

SUPREME DALEK: We’re still fine-tuning the granularity on that. But yes. Pretty much everything. Apart from Adelaide Brook.

PENNY: Who?

SUPREME DALEK: Don’t know. But anyway, everything but her.

PENNY: And can I check… there isn’t a big red auto-destruct button is there?

SUPREME DALEK: No, no. We’re on top of that one this time.

PENNY: Excellent.

SUPREME DALEK: Oh no. We’ve replaced it with a big red button that will reverse the effects of the Reality Bomb.

PENNY: Ah.

***

INT. Dalek saucer, ad 102

DALEK SUPREME: … and so that’s why we are forming the Pandorica Alliance!

PENNY: Really? What will happen if you don’t?

DALEK SUPREME: All life will be wiped out in this universe and all universes.

PENNY: I thought that was what you wanted last time?

DALEK SUPREME: Really? You sure? It’s just the Drahvins did a very good Powerpoint.

PENNY: Gosh, is that the time? Must dash. I’ve got a meeting with the Silence. They’re planning on invading the Earth at the dawn of time in order to build a spacesuit.

DALEK SUPREME: You are kidding.

***