Monday, October 10, 2005

Email from the past

An old colleage sent me the following, from the days when I used to run a website offering careers advice. Yes. Irony.

Anyway, desperate people would email us, begging for a solution to their careers dilemmas. And we'd try not to answer with "You've sat on your arse for three years. You can't avoid accountancy now."

But there were the odd exceptions:

Dear Dr Job

Many earth centuries ago our mothership crashed on your pathetic planet, and it is now necessary for my stranded minions of darkness and myself to find a regular source of income.

A visit to a careers service was futile. I was forced to destroy the fool who demanded that my army and I make an appointment, and furthermore, apply for a parking permit for the imperial deathwalker.

So, I turn to you for advice. Although I lack an accredited degree, I am recognised as god-emperor in three systems. Since my army operate as a hive mind, our interpersonal skills are exceptional, and we have perfected our teamworking ability through a rigorous in-house seminar programme (I am an Investor In Darkness).

Although we we laugh at the computer systems of your galaxy, I have taught myself several book-keeping packages with some success, and am a keen user of Lotus Notes.

I have good shorthand, and limited keyboard skills (I am cursed with a claw instead of a hand). I am hard-working, sincere, punctual and can kill easily with the power of the mind.

Obviously, it is hard to find a job that can meet my almost insatiable lust for conquest. However, if the work is interesting enough, we are willing to job share, although the army of perpetual terror will not be able to provide holiday cover for each other.

Yours in evil
Supreme Overbeing of the Third Dominion

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