Magwilde! What a woman! Not since Heinrich Schliemann accidentally laid waste to the ruins of Troy in the 1870s has archaeology had such a hero.
In last night's thrilling climax, she finally found Excalibur... and broke it. Lest we forget, this is a woman who's been responsible for the destruction of
- The True cross
- Boudicca's body
- The bones of Joan of Arc
- and a few temples and shit along the way.
Last night's episode was more jam-packed than an arse at an orgy. Ancient Masonic conspiracies! Dexter Fletcher eaten by rats! A threat to civilisation! Men in masks! Gay Tennyson! A water-soluble vicar!
So, it was a shame that at some point in the script development process, someone said "But what's Gillian's Journey in this episode?". So, as well as scampering through history like an old lady at a jumble sale, Gilly also had to shout at all her friends until they left, and then came back a few scenes later to prove that she was Redeemed.
"No one walks out on me!" she screamed. "Get out!" she roared, "You're fired!" she raged. And then, like a dumped twink, she promptly started texting them.
Then she went to see her mother, and discovered that she'd handily put her in the kind of old people's home that includes a secret cellar under the floorboards of every room. I would love to see the brochure - "Guests are welcome to bring personal belongings, small items of furniture, and millennia-spanning enigmas. No pets."
All the while, Magwilde is being hunted by a secret society run by Justin Timberlake, who turns out to be a torture coffin kept in a stately home. Again, imagine the signs - "Visitors are reminded that we open at 9.30 on Wednesdays to allow for staff training and ritual execution". Luckily, Dolly Parton comes to her aid, shouting "My head is full of dates" (a remarkable fruit-related image) followed by "Don't mess with me, I'm an archaeologist!"
There was an end. It involved a cathedral! Fighting! Scuba diving! Gillian as the Lady of the Lake! The sudden appearance of the Reverend Exposition!
"Reverend Abrams!" gasped the Bonekickers. "Who?" I gasped. "I have no idea who you are." It was like forgetting to include the caretaker in an episode of Scooby Doo. But luckily, he fell in the water and promptly vanished. Like their viewing figures.