The bondage cardigan

It's nearly 3am, somewhere in Sydney and three things happen simultaneously:
1) The jetlag kicks in
2) I sober up
3) The taxi passes a gay bar.

I get out and wander in. It's a small bar, but there's still a few people around, and a man on the door. Only he's wearing a rubber waistcoat and a kilt.

"Hum," I say, "Is there a dresscode?"

"Yeah. It's leather. And pvc. And..." he looks at me. "Cardigans are fine after 2am."

"Right," I say and wander in.

It's pretty much empty, actually. But it's a helluva lot better than Oxford St, which was packed with disco damage, drunk fag hags, korean hairdressers, and straight guys trying to bluff their way in to bars so full the smoking areas looked like adverts for Amnesty International.

Correct. It was so bad I'd rather be in an empty pub on bondage night wearing a cardigan.

I've been there five seconds before Australian Poster Boy corners me. He is amazing, and is wearing a suit.

He grabs hold of my cardigan with one hand. "Where did you get that cardigan?" he asks.

"Oh, I got it in Newtown today." I am hoping I sound au fait with the Sydney fashion scene.

He nods. "Yeah, it looks like a lesbian's jumper. Still, it looks great on you. Shall we see if it looks better off you?"

3am. Jetlag. Hot man. Cardigan. Yet, I've pulled in 15 seconds.

"Um," I say.

"You are so English! Love it!" he says, cupping me fondly and popping off to the loo.

Standing behind Australian Poster Boy is an equally good-looking man. Only he's not smiling at me quite so much.

"Hi!" I say, "Isn't that guy amazing?"

The other man nods. "Oh yes," he says, tightly. "We've been together for six years."

"Right," I say. "Sorry. I..."

And he's back. "George!" he shouts, "Look! I got take-out!"

George stares at me. Not a chance. And walks out of the bar.

Australian Poster Boy looks at me regretfully.

"You should probably..." I begin.

He nods. "Yeah."

"It was nice..."

He smiles, and goes to find his boyfriend.

And I am, suddenly, the last man in a bondage club. And I'm wearing a cardigan.