Recently, we went to Amsterdam. My boyfriend bought a pair of shorts to go clubbing in.
"I think those are pants." I said.
"No, old man, these are definitely shorts. It's just a European cut. Can you hold my wallet? There don't appear to be any pockets in these shorts."
So, we headed out with him dressed in a micro t-shirt and a pair of knickers. Like so:
He suggested we go to a club called The Eagle because there's one with that name in Manchester and it's dead classy. I wasn't convinced - the Dutch branch had no windows and even from the outside, it looked a bit fisty. "No no," he assured me, "It's part of a chain. The one in Manchester is a swishy cocktail bar."
Slow dissolve to us standing in a dimly-lit bar that smelt of poppers and kidney infections. There were no cocktails.
"I'm fairly sure it's a sex club," I insisted, but he shook his head, suggesting we go to the "lounge" upstairs. It contained a lot of dark corners and a picnic bench lit by a single red bulb.
"Don't sit on the picnic bench," I said.
We went and sat in a corner and slowly sipped our drinks. They may not have been cocktails, but they were very strong. Probably a good cure for shigella.
There was a long pause.
"This seat is quite damp."
Another long pause.
"I'm sitting in a sex club wearing only a pair of pants and something is dribbling down my leg."