Penny, Project Manager Of The Daleks

Originally A History Of The Universe In 100 Objects included a section where the Daleks hired a capable project manager caled Penny to cast a professional eye over some of their plans…

INT. Earth, Bedfordshire c.2167

PENNY: Thanks for the gift basket, by the way. A tin of pineapple, some bread and an orange, how thoughtful.

BLACK DALEK: Don’t mention it.

PENNY: Now, about Project: Degravitate…

BLACK DALEK: Yes?

PENNY: Well, why?

BLACK DALEK: I’m sorry?

PENNY: Forgive me, but why would you want to fly a planet through space?

BLACK DALEK: Look, we have our reasons.

PENNY: Well, I’m just a little worried about drilling down to the 
Earth’s core.

BLACK DALEK: We dare to tamper with the forces of creation.

PENNY: Yes, you dare, but isn’t there a danger of volcanic activity?

Black: In Bedfordshire? I hardly think so.

PENNY: Ohh-kay…

***

INT. Skaro, Dalek city, c.2265

DALEK SUPREME: Well what do you think?

PENNY: Well, first off, I really like the time machine.

DALEK: But…?

PENNY: It’s Stage 2 I’m worried about.

DALEK: What’s wrong with ‘Infiltrate and kill’?

PENNY: Nothing per se – I’ve just a teensy worry about building a robot duplicate.

DALEK: It will be a success! A paramount success! It will be completely indistinguishable from the original!

PENNY: Yes, that’s what worries me. What if you get them confused?

***

INT. Kembel, 4000

DALEK SUPREME: Ultimate success is within our grasp! The Galactic Alliance have joined with us! They are even giving us a full emm of Taranium! They’re actually building the Time Destructor for us! The fools!

PENNY: This Time Destructor…

DALEK SUPREME: Will age everything to death within seconds, yes.

PENNY: Within what kind of radius?

DALEK SUPREME: A very, very big one!

PENNY: Oh dear.

DALEK SUPREME: What?

***

INT. Skaro, Dalek city, 41st century

EMPEROR DALEK: Report!

PENNY: Well, there’s good news and bad.

EMPEROR DALEK: Explain!

PENNY: Your plan to spread the Dalek Factor through all of space and time – I can’t fault that bit…

EMPEROR DALEK: But!

PENNY: Explain how your Arch works again…

EMPEROR DALEK: Anything that passes through the Arch will be infected with the Dalek Factor! They will obey without question! All Daleks will pass through the Arch! To Make Sure!

PENNY: All the same…

EMPEROR DALEK: What! Let's not fight in here!

PENNY: I’m just wondering – what if someone switched the Human Factor with the Dalek Factor…

***

INT. Earth, 22nd century

GOLD DALEK: We will follow the rebels back through time! We will make sure they blow up the peace conference! Our timeline will be assured!

PENNY: You know, if it were up to me, I’d be tempted to leave well alone…

***

INT. Skaro, Kaled bunker, c.1450

DAVROS: … and I am proudest of this red button. It is my greatest achievement!

PENNY: So pressing it will blow up all the Daleks?

DAVROS: Every single one. Such power will set me up among the gods!

Penny: Hmm…

***

INT. Dalek command fleet, c.4500

SUPREME DALEK: Davros will help us win our war against the Movellans!

PENNY: But you exterminated him!

SUPREME DALEK: Davros is not the type to bear a grudge.

Penny: But he’s ordered all your forces to go and blow up the Movellan ship.

SUPREME DALEK: Correct. They will press themselves against the hull.

PENNY: Are you absolutely sure there’s no other way of blowing it up?

SUPREME DALEK: We’re out of Taranium.

***

INT. Dalek battle cruiser, c.4590

SUPREME DALEK: Davros will help us win our fight against the Movellans!

PENNY: But—

SUPREME DALEK: And while he isolates the Movellan virus, our robot duplicates will position themselves in Earth’s government and take control of the planet!

PENNY: I—

SUPREME DALEK: AND while they’re doing that, our duplicates of the Doctor and his associates will return to Gallifrey and assassinate the members of the High Council!

PENNY: I…

SUPREME DALEK: Well? Are you not impressed? Speak!

PENNY: It’s just, you know, we talked about trying to do just one thing well?

SUPREME DALEK: I was listening.

PENNY: Sure you were. I’m also going to raise the issue of that prison ship. I’m coming back to it having a big red auto-destruct button. Those things never work out well for you.

SUPREME DALEK: Unimportant! Davros must be allowed to work on the virus!

PENNY: Now, see, I’m also worried about that…

***

INT. Skaro, 47th century, Meeting Room

SUPREME DALEK: We will bring Davros back to Skaro and place him on trial!

PENNY: (sighs) Are there any more pastries?

***

INT. Skaro, 47th century

DAVROS: Locating the Hand of Omega will give us mastery of the Time Vortex.

PENNY: Sorry, but how?

DAVROS: By sending a sun supernova!

PENNY: Do you know which one?

DAVROS: I’ll look into it and get back to you.

***

INT. Dalek saucer, 200,100

DALEK EMPEROR: I shall purify the Earth with fire!

PENNY: But don’t you also want to harvest the Earth’s population?

DALEK EMPEROR: Yes.

PENNY: Bad Wolf.

DALEK EMPEROR: I’m sorry?

PENNY: Nothing.

***

INT. Dalek Crucible, 2009

PENNY: Let me run through the bullet points – the Reality Bomb will wipe out not just all life in the universe, but also all matter?

SUPREME DALEK: Yes. In this universe and all universes.

PENNY: Lovely! Including you?

SUPREME DALEK: We’re still fine-tuning the granularity on that. But yes. Pretty much everything. Apart from Adelaide Brook.

PENNY: Who?

SUPREME DALEK: Don’t know. But anyway, everything but her.

PENNY: And can I check… there isn’t a big red auto-destruct button is there?

SUPREME DALEK: No, no. We’re on top of that one this time.

PENNY: Excellent.

SUPREME DALEK: Oh no. We’ve replaced it with a big red button that will reverse the effects of the Reality Bomb.

PENNY: Ah.

***

INT. Dalek saucer, ad 102

DALEK SUPREME: … and so that’s why we are forming the Pandorica Alliance!

PENNY: Really? What will happen if you don’t?

DALEK SUPREME: All life will be wiped out in this universe and all universes.

PENNY: I thought that was what you wanted last time?

DALEK SUPREME: Really? You sure? It’s just the Drahvins did a very good Powerpoint.

PENNY: Gosh, is that the time? Must dash. I’ve got a meeting with the Silence. They’re planning on invading the Earth at the dawn of time in order to build a spacesuit.

DALEK SUPREME: You are kidding.

***

Penny, Project Manager Of The Daleks

Originally A History Of The Universe In 100 Objects included a section where the Daleks hired a capable project manager caled Penny to cast a professional eye over some of their plans…

INT. Earth, Bedfordshire c.2167

PENNY: Thanks for the gift basket, by the way. A tin of pineapple, some bread and an orange, how thoughtful.

BLACK DALEK: Don’t mention it.

PENNY: Now, about Project: Degravitate…

BLACK DALEK: Yes?

PENNY: Well, why?

BLACK DALEK: I’m sorry?

PENNY: Forgive me, but why would you want to fly a planet through space?

BLACK DALEK: Look, we have our reasons.

PENNY: Well, I’m just a little worried about drilling down to the 
Earth’s core.

BLACK DALEK: We dare to tamper with the forces of creation.

PENNY: Yes, you dare, but isn’t there a danger of volcanic activity?

Black: In Bedfordshire? I hardly think so.

PENNY: Ohh-kay…

***

INT. Skaro, Dalek city, c.2265

DALEK SUPREME: Well what do you think?

PENNY: Well, first off, I really like the time machine.

DALEK: But…?

PENNY: It’s Stage 2 I’m worried about.

DALEK: What’s wrong with ‘Infiltrate and kill’?

PENNY: Nothing per se – I’ve just a teensy worry about building a robot duplicate.

DALEK: It will be a success! A paramount success! It will be completely indistinguishable from the original!

PENNY: Yes, that’s what worries me. What if you get them confused?

***

INT. Kembel, 4000

DALEK SUPREME: Ultimate success is within our grasp! The Galactic Alliance have joined with us! They are even giving us a full emm of Taranium! They’re actually building the Time Destructor for us! The fools!

PENNY: This Time Destructor…

DALEK SUPREME: Will age everything to death within seconds, yes.

PENNY: Within what kind of radius?

DALEK SUPREME: A very, very big one!

PENNY: Oh dear.

DALEK SUPREME: What?

***

INT. Skaro, Dalek city, 41st century

EMPEROR DALEK: Report!

PENNY: Well, there’s good news and bad.

EMPEROR DALEK: Explain!

PENNY: Your plan to spread the Dalek Factor through all of space and time – I can’t fault that bit…

EMPEROR DALE: But!

PENNY: Explain how your Arch works again…

EMPEROR DALEK: Anything that passes through the Arch will be infected with the Dalek Factor! They will obey without question! All Daleks will pass through the Arch! To Make Sure!

PENNY: All the same…

EMPEROR DALEK: What! Let's not fight in here!

PENNY: I’m just wondering – what if someone switched the Human Factor with the Dalek Factor…

***

INT. Earth, 22nd century

GOLD DALEK: We will follow the rebels back through time! We will make sure they blow up the peace conference! Our timeline will be assured!

PENNY: You know, if it were up to me, I’d be tempted to leave well alone…

***

INT. Skaro, Kaled bunker, c.1450

DAVROS: … and I am proudest of this red button. It is my greatest achievement!

PENNY: So pressing it will blow up all the Daleks?

DAVROS: Every single one. Such power will set me up among the gods!

Penny: Hmm…

***

INT. Dalek command fleet, c.4500

SUPREME DALEK: Davros will help us win our war against the Movellans!

PENNY: But you exterminated him!

SUPREME DALEK: Davros is not the type to bear a grudge.

Penny: But he’s ordered all your forces to go and blow up the Movellan ship.

SUPREME DALEK: Correct. They will press themselves against the hull.

PENNY: Are you absolutely sure there’s no other way of blowing it up?

SUPREME DALEK: We’re out of Taranium.

***

INT. Dalek battle cruiser, c.4590

SUPREME DALEK: Davros will help us win our fight against the Movellans!

PENNY: But—

SUPREME DALEK: And while he isolates the Movellan virus, our robot duplicates will position themselves in Earth’s government and take control of the planet!

PENNY: I—

SUPREME DALEK: AND while they’re doing that, our duplicates of the Doctor and his associates will return to Gallifrey and assassinate the members of the High Council!

PENNY: I…

SUPREME DALEK: Well? Are you not impressed? Speak!

PENNY: It’s just, you know, we talked about trying to do just one thing well?

SUPREME DALEK: I was listening.

PENNY: Sure you were. I’m also going to raise the issue of that prison ship. I’m coming back to it having a big red auto-destruct button. Those things never work out well for you.

SUPREME DALEK: Unimportant! Davros must be allowed to work on the virus!

PENNY: Now, see, I’m also worried about that…

***

INT. Skaro, 47th century, Meeting Room

SUPREME DALEK: We will bring Davros back to Skaro and place him on trial!

PENNY: (sighs) Are there any more pastries?

***

INT. Skaro, 47th century

DAVROS: Locating the Hand of Omega will give us mastery of the Time Vortex.

PENNY: Sorry, but how?

DAVROS: By sending a sun supernova!

PENNY: Do you know which one?

DAVROS: I’ll look into it and get back to you.

***

INT. Dalek saucer, 200,100

DALEK EMPEROR: I shall purify the Earth with fire!

PENNY: But don’t you also want to harvest the Earth’s population?

DALEK EMPEROR: Yes.

PENNY: Bad Wolf.

DALEK EMPEROR: I’m sorry?

PENNY: Nothing.

***

INT. Dalek Crucible, 2009

PENNY: Let me run through the bullet points – the Reality Bomb will wipe out not just all life in the universe, but also all matter?

SUPREME DALEK: Yes. In this universe and all universes.

PENNY: Lovely! Including you?

SUPREME DALEK: We’re still fine-tuning the granularity on that. But yes. Pretty much everything. Apart from Adelaide Brook.

PENNY: Who?

SUPREME DALEK: Don’t know. But anyway, everything but her.

PENNY: And can I check… there isn’t a big red auto-destruct button is there?

SUPREME DALEK: No, no. We’re on top of that one this time.

PENNY: Excellent.

SUPREME DALEK: Oh no. We’ve replaced it with a big red button that will reverse the effects of the Reality Bomb.

PENNY: Ah.

***

INT. Dalek saucer, ad 102

DALEK SUPREME: … and so that’s why we are forming the Pandorica Alliance!

PENNY: Really? What will happen if you don’t?

DALEK SUPREME: All life will be wiped out in this universe and all universes.

PENNY: I thought that was what you wanted last time?

DALEK SUPREME: Really? You sure? It’s just the Drahvins did a very good Powerpoint.

PENNY: Gosh, is that the time? Must dash. I’ve got a meeting with the Silence. They’re planning on invading the Earth at the dawn of time in order to build a spacesuit.

DALEK SUPREME: You are kidding.

***

Penny, Project Manager Of The Daleks

Originally A History Of The Universe In 100 Objects included a section where the Daleks hired a capable project manager caled Penny to cast a professional eye over some of their plans…

INT. Earth, Bedfordshire c.2167

PENNY: Thanks for the gift basket, by the way. A tin of pineapple, some bread and an orange, how thoughtful.

BLACK DALEK: Don’t mention it.

PENNY: Now, about Project: Degravitate…

BLACK DALEK: Yes?

PENNY: Well, why?

BLACK DALEK: I’m sorry?

PENNY: Forgive me, but why would you want to fly a planet through space?

BLACK DALEK: Look, we have our reasons.

PENNY: Well, I’m just a little worried about drilling down to the 
Earth’s core.

BLACK DALEK: We dare to tamper with the forces of creation.

PENNY: Yes, you dare, but isn’t there a danger of volcanic activity?

Black: In Bedfordshire? I hardly think so.

PENNY: Ohh-kay…

INT. Skaro, Dalek city, c.2265

DALEK SUPREME: Well what do you think?

PENNY: Well, first off, I really like the time machine.

DALEK: But…?

PENNY: It’s Stage 2 I’m worried about.

DALEK: What’s wrong with ‘Infiltrate and kill’?

PENNY: Nothing per se – I’ve just a teensy worry about building a robot duplicate.

DALEK: It will be a success! A paramount success! It will be completely indistinguishable from the original!

PENNY: Yes, that’s what worries me. What if you get them confused?

INT. Kembel, 4000

DALEK SUPREME: Ultimate success is within our grasp! The Galactic Alliance have joined with us! They are even giving us a full emm of Taranium! They’re actually building the Time Destructor for us! The fools!

PENNY: This Time Destructor…

DALEK SUPREME: Will age everything to death within seconds, yes.

PENNY: Within what kind of radius?

DALEK SUPREME: A very, very big one!

PENNY: Oh dear.

DALEK SUPREME: What?

INT. Skaro, Dalek city, 41st century

EMPEROR DALEK: Report!

PENNY: Well, there’s good news and bad.

EMPEROR DALEK: Explain!

PENNY: Your plan to spread the Dalek Factor through all of space and time – I can’t fault that bit…

EMPEROR DALE: But!

PENNY: Explain how your Arch works again…

EMPEROR DALEK: Anything that passes through the Arch will be infected with the Dalek Factor! They will obey without question! All Daleks will pass through the Arch! To Make Sure!

PENNY: All the same…

EMPEROR DALEK: What! Let's not fight in here!

PENNY: I’m just wondering – what if someone switched the Human Factor with the Dalek Factor…

INT. Earth, 22nd century

GOLD DALEK: We will follow the rebels back through time! We will make sure they blow up the peace conference! Our timeline will be assured!

PENNY: You know, if it were up to me, I’d be tempted to leave well alone…

INT. Skaro, Kaled bunker, c.1450

DAVROS: … and I am proudest of this red button. It is my greatest achievement!

PENNY: So pressing it will blow up all the Daleks?

DAVROS: Every single one. Such power will set me up among the gods!

Penny: Hmm…

INT. Dalek command fleet, c.4500

SUPREME DALEK: Davros will help us win our war against the Movellans!

PENNY: But you exterminated him!

SUPREME DALEK: Davros is not the type to bear a grudge.

Penny: But he’s ordered all your forces to go and blow up the Movellan ship.

SUPREME DALEK: Correct. They will press themselves against the hull.

PENNY: Are you absolutely sure there’s no other way of blowing it up?

SUPREME DALEK: We’re out of Taranium.

INT. Dalek battle cruiser, c.4590

SUPREME DALEK: Davros will help us win our fight against the Movellans!

PENNY: But—

SUPREME DALEK: And while he isolates the Movellan virus, our robot duplicates will position themselves in Earth’s government and take control of the planet!

PENNY: I—

SUPREME DALEK: AND while they’re doing that, our duplicates of the Doctor and his associates will return to Gallifrey and assassinate the members of the High Council!

PENNY: I…

SUPREME DALEK: Well? Are you not impressed? Speak!

PENNY: It’s just, you know, we talked about trying to do just one thing well?

SUPREME DALE: I was listening.

PENNY: Sure you were. I’m also going to raise the issue of that prison ship. I’m coming back to it having a big red auto-destruct button. Those things never work out well for you.

SUPREME DALEK: Unimportant! Davros must be allowed to work on the virus!

PENNY: Now, see, I’m also worried about that…

INT. Skaro, 47th century, Meeting Room

SUPREME DALEK: We will bring Davros back to Skaro and place him on trial!

PENNY: (sighs) Are there any more pastries?

INT. Skaro, 47th century

DAVROS: Locating the Hand of Omega will give us mastery of the Time Vortex.

PENNY: Sorry, but how?

DAVROS: By sending a sun supernova!

PENNY: Do you know which one?

DAVROS: I’ll look into it and get back to you.

INT. Dalek saucer, 200,100

DALEK EMPEROR: I shall purify the Earth with fire!

PENNY: But don’t you also want to harvest the Earth’s population?

DALEK EMPEROR: Yes.

PENNY: Bad Wolf.

DALEK EMPEROR: I’m sorry?

PENNY: Nothing.

INT. Dalek Crucible, 2009

PENNY: Let me run through the bullet points – the Reality Bomb will wipe out not just all life in the universe, but also all matter?

SUPREME DALEK: Yes. In this universe and all universes.

PENNY: Lovely! Including you?

SUPREME DALEK: We’re still fine-tuning the granularity on that. But yes. Pretty much everything. Apart from Adelaide Brook.

PENNY: Who?

SUPREME DALEK: Don’t know. But anyway, everything but her.

PENNY: And can I check… there isn’t a big red auto-destruct button is there?

SUPREME DALEK: No, no. We’re on top of that one this time.

PENNY: Excellent.

SUPREME DALEK: Oh no. We’ve replaced it with a big red button that will reverse the effects of the Reality Bomb.

PENNY: Ah.

INT. Dalek saucer, ad 102

DALEK SUPREME: … and so that’s why we are forming the Pandorica Alliance!

PENNY: Really? What will happen if you don’t?

DALEK SUPREME: All life will be wiped out in this universe and all universes.

PENNY: I thought that was what you wanted last time?

DALEK SUPREME: Really? You sure? It’s just the Drahvins did a very good Powerpoint.

PENNY: Gosh, is that the time? Must dash. I’ve got a meeting with the Silence. They’re planning on invading the Earth at the dawn of time in order to build a spacesuit.

DALEK SUPREME: You are kidding.

On vigils and laughter

A rare good thing is that I haven't been to enough vigils. The Old Compton Street vigil for the shootings in Orlando was everything it should have been - short, sad, and packed.

Soho did itself proud. Half an hour before, Soho was full of gay men roaring into their phones "Where are you? I can't see you!" just as it should be.

Twenty minutes before people were taking selfies and asking each other what the hashtag was.

Ten minutes before, the whole street, and (it felt) most of Soho had turned into one giant crowd. The crowd stepped to one side as a man swept through. "Oh my god," a woman shouted into her phone, "Jeremy Corbyn's standing behind me."
"Yes, yes I am," he said, grinned and moved on.

Just as the silence began I realised the sad truth that there are two bad things about vigils:
1) The utterly horrible events which have led to a vigil.
2) The people standing next to you.

There were two girls stood behind us. It was, perhaps, their first vigil. Maybe that was it. It was lovely that they'd come, but they got a few bits wrong. Most notably, the silence. They weren't alone in this. As the three minutes began, a news anchor was saying "And standing behind me, a crowd of London's gay community stands in respectful silence to mark...". But, I'd like to reassure whichever broadcaster  it was that your reporter was not the worst. It was definitely the two girls behind me.

They started by giggling. Then they filmed some of the silence. I know this because they stopped and replayed their recording after a few seconds. "Oh, it's sooo quiet," one of them laughed. Then, shushing each other like they were being thrillingly naughty at the school play, they tried to be silent. Until someone let go of a balloon. "OH MY GOD BALLOON!" they both shouted.

A crowd can be many things. It can be angry. It can be righteous. It can be powerful. It can also be all of these things whilst staring very hard at two girls laughing through the silence. The man in front of us managed to glare at them, and he was sobbing helplessly at the same time. But, the thing is, much as I wish those two girls flat phone batteries and no retweets for the rest of their lives, they came.

And then it was over. There was noise. There was applause. There was some singing. And, surprisingly and brilliantly, despite all the Important People who had turned up, there were no speeches. There was just a large group of people being mostly silent and very sad.

On watching Aknaten and my love of minimalism

We weren't expecting the Pharaoh's cock. As it swung slowly slowly down the stage in time to the slow slow music, the audience did that thing when confronted with a sudden penis. It leaned forward. The woman next to me raised her opera glasses.

It's strange seeing a penis you're not expecting to have sex with. It just looks silly. A placeholder until something better comes along. The lorem ipsum of genitalia. And yet, for the gays in the audience (and there were a lot of us) it provided something you don't quite expect from a Philip Glass opera - titillation. Pharaoh hadn't just been to the gym.

I wonder how you cast the pharaoh's penis? I know actors now expect to be asked how they look shirtless. But this is something else. Imagine the audition: "Can you sing really high? Lovely. And do you look good with your top off? Marvellous. Finally, have you a todger that'd frighten a horse?"

An even bigger thing than Akhnaten's willy was that I've finally seen all three of Philip Glass's operas. Well, the ones that count, rather than the silly later ones, like the one where an android clone of Disney chased Oppenheimer around the stage, and no I fuck you not.

I've loved Philip Glass for 20 years. Ever since my first boyfriend would put on Songs From The Trilogy while we read in bed (I'd read about Cthulhu, he'd read a Haynes manual). It's the definitive album for people who believe that five notes in their music is one note too many. I was so entranced I used to leave it on a loop when I went out to work as revenge for my neighbours keeping me up till four am. I loved it that much. But I never dreamed I'd actually see any of the operas live. But I've finally done it.

Satyagraha (the one in Sanskrit about shoes and peace) was the first. I cried. Every single one of the four times I saw it. It was like being hit very slowly by a wall of sexy maths. I took friends to see it (big mistake). I went alone. I even went with a generous friend who adores good seats - sat right at the front was as if you were leaning into a musical wind machine. It was enrapturing - even if the last hour was simply people unrolling sellotape near Martin Luther King. Satyagraha was a thing of beautry. (Even if that guy on a date kept texting his friend to say "kill me, kill me now").

Einstein On The Beach was also wonderful. It was Stockholm Syndrome: The Musical, in which you got numbers yelled at you repeatedly for five hours, with occasional breaks for someone to intone "I went to a prematurely air-conditioned supermarket". It was an experience akin to taking the Piccadilly Line to Heaven. It took a lot longer than you thought, you were glad to get a seat, and the eventual arrival was amazing. Sometimes you laughed, sometimes you cried, and sometimes you just wanted to eat the arm-rest. (I'll never forget the couple who broke up during it. The seats were so narrow it took her twenty minutes to storm out. Glass would have approved)

And now, finally, we get Akhnaten on the London stage. For those of you who don't know it, it's the Phillip Glass opera with a plot: Man becomes pharaoh; declares the old gods are dead; goes and worships the sun; forgets to open his post, so doesn't pay the water bill or stop the country being invaded; dies; gets forgotten.

Of all of the opears, it was the one I was looking forward to the most. It almost has a few foot-tapping showstoppers (The Hymn To The Sun, and the bit where someone sings a a page from a guidebook). The opera is set in Ancient Egypt. It features people in amazing hats. And yet... much as I wanted to love it, it wasn't quite as amazing as the other two. The music was lacking that Dyson airblade feel of Glass turned up to 11. It was quite loud and it was quite there, but it wasn't beating you around the head screaming "LOVE ME! LOVE MY THREE NOTES UNTIL I PLAY YOU A FOURTH!".

The staging was also disappointing. The ENO's version of Satyagraha felt strapped for cash in the last hour, this got threadbare during the first. In Satyagraha giant puppets warred among newspaper cities. In Akhnaten, some extras juggled. That was about it. A dozen people, throwing little balls in the air. They did it nicely, but it felt like a warm-up act on The Paul Daniels Magic Show rather than The Opera Spectacle To End All Opera Spectacle.

It wasn't a complete bust. There was a lovely bit where a giant moon floated over the stage and the acrobats briefly conjured up an orrery from Swiss Balls.... and then they threw them at each other like a pre-natal aquarobics class. Actually that was exactly it - this was a Philip Glass Zumba class (Oh crikey. Imagine that. "And a 1...2...and 3...3...3...3....3....").

By the last half hour the production had run out of money and ideas. The dead pharaoh stood around glumly while the acrobats sadly nudged their balls across the stage (Not literal balls - Akhnaten's were the only testes on show). That was it. Half an hour of men in lycra pretending to be cats, very very slowly. 

The curtain call was nice, though. You found out that one of the acrobats was fit as. The rest of it was an exercise in Curious Clapping. We clapped the acrobats (especially you, third from the right). We clapped the chorus. We clapped, um, that man in the hat from Act One. And the man in the other hat. And the fat man in the fat hat. Then we sort of clapped a bit more enthusiastically for the woman who may have been the Queen Mother. Then some jubilation for the chorus of Caitlin Morans (playing the pharaoh's daughters / social media opinion formers). Then we were sort of pleased for the woman who sort of played Nefertiti. And finally we were ecstatic for the guy who'd played Akhnaten. Mind you, I'm still not sure if the standing ovation was for his singing or for his personal standing ovation. Both were quite remarkable.

Anyway, if you've got the chance, walk, don't run to the ENO. Glass wouldn't like it if you ran.

Cloning

Years ago, cloning meant all sorts of exciting things. The chance to photocopy relatives and pets, to maybe live forever. Nowadays a phone call to tell you you've been cloned means only one thing - boredom and hold music.

My bank very nicely called to tell me my card has been having fun in New York. The simple fact that this is unusual behaviour tells you all you need to know about my life. Worse, they recited a litany of recent purchases for me to confirm. "Lidl? Yes, that's me. Poundland, yes, also me. Aroma Chinese Buffet? Yep." Pause. "Expensive Shop in New York? No. Really Lovely Sounding Restaurant also in New York? No."

This kind of cloning is as humdrum as my life. But then a terrible penny drops.
"You've cancelled my card?"
Yes.
"Will it still work for picking up train tickets?"
For once my bank is baffled.
"Have you ever bought train tickets online?"
Yes.
"And when you go to collect them, is there any chance that my card will still be valid?"
No sir, probably not.
"Have you ever phoned a Train Company?"
My bank laughs. My bank actually laughs.

There then follows a quaint interval where my bank sweetly tries to find the right telephone number for the train company. "Bear with me, Mr Goss, I'm having difficulty finding a number for Customer Services. Or any number for them."

I find a number for Great Western Railways. It's at the bottom of my booking. It is, of course, the wrong number. You only find out about this after endless recorded messages, button pressing, more recorded messages, a travel update, a suggestion to use the website, more recorded messages, and finally someone in India with a cheap headset. They put me through to someone else who tells me to call back on Monday.

We live in an age where cloning has become routine, where your bank can tell when you're having the wrong kind of fun, and yet restaurants in New York remain the height of romance and train operating companies remain the depths of despair.