Never ordering in again

You know how every now and then you order something from Play.com, forget about it, and it turns up on your doorstep as a pleasant surprise?

Well, last night I managed to do that with Gaydar.

I'd pretty much forgotten making vague (and obviously drunken) plans to secure the favours of (goodness me) hardbody81, but there he was.

All of a sudden, there was a text message saying "on my way", and I was hastily shoving aside my salad in preparation for incoming boy.

And then the phone rang - and, after three long months, the lovely Australian Byron rang to say "Are you free tonight?".

Why now? Why tonight of all nights? When tall, handsome, 26 year old hardbody81 was hurtling over towards me from London's Covent Garden?

I told Byron I was busy, and then the doorbell rang.

I dashed out to meet the man - only to discover that he was a good ten years older and had the most ridiculous comb-over imaginable. A combover so ridiculous and weird that he was obviously unaware of it's mirthful qualities. I mean, no one would consciously go through life wearing a fey conrish pasty. Would they?

And yet he had managed to crop the wavy wonder out of all of his pictures. Hmmn.

This is, of course, why I order in from gaydar so rarely. Even in his bad old days, dear Lee only ever used to do it pissed, and I did it as a distraction from watching Deep Space Nine.

Gaydar is such an interesting idea, full of possibilities and potential... but also such a classic demonstration of the flaws of digital photography and photoshop. It's so often the case that what you assumed was a slight flaw in the over-compressed JPEG really does turn out to be their nose.

***

So anyway, I quickly phoned Byron who drove round from Greenwich.

Byron's an uncomplicated soul - he adores extreme sports, extreme drugs and extreme men. One day, I'll find out what he does for a living, but I never really get the chance.

I did manage to find out that he's going out with a rich model from Finland. They've been going out for three months, and last night was honestly the first time Byron had cheated on him.

The two of us sat there sucking silk cut ultra and musing over whether or not that was an achievement.