Thursday, May 18, 2006

The Archers: The Story So Far

In brief:
1) All the women are house-obsessed nags.
2) All the men are hopeless. And can't cook. Except for one, and he's gay.

In more detail:

WILL AND ED AND EMMA AND GEORGE
At the heart of Ambridge is a caravan. In it, young Emma Grundy is bringing up boiby Georgie and scheming for a better life. For her, this means a flat and flexitime at the cafe.
She was married to Will, but then left him for his brother, Ed. Ed is the only man in Ambridge not to realise that Emma is *completely fucking bonkers*.
Emma has recently left the caravan, after a CD rack fell on George while Will, Ed and Emma were fighting over who was the best parent.

THE GRUNDIES
Clarrie Grundy has been suffering since birth. A member of Opus Dei, she punishes herself by selfless marriage to Eddie Grundy and servitude to his 400 year old father. Eddie isn't speaking to his son Ed over the Will/Emma meltdown, despite the fact that Ed is now raising organic cows at Willowtwistle Cottage, something that Eddie is secretly proud of.
Eddie is currently working on a range of erotic gnomes.

SAINT SHULA
The spiritual centre of Ambridge is Shula, descended from Joseph of Arimathea. Originally, a pensioner played teenaged Shula. 40 years later, she's still there. Shula is The Nicest Person In Ambridge. She forgives her vet husband for his gambling addiction, more concerned about whether or not her young child will get into Organ School and win the soapbox derby.
She's best friends with Usha, the lawyer, but hates that she's going out with the vicar, because, well, after all, Usha's a bit foreign, really.

IAN AND ADAM
Ambridge's only gays. They first kissed in Adam's strawberry growers, and now share a house together. As none of the scriptwriters has ever met a gay, Adam and Ian behave oddly.
In an attempt to introduce conflict, Adam and Ian briefly argued over household chores, before getting a cleaner. Foolishly, they hired Emma Grundy, who leaves the caravan twice a week to lament on their Japanese effect scatter cushions.
Adam and Ian's only habit is long evenings in their outdoor hot-tub. We frequently hear them earnestly discussing stawberry yields in it. Seriously. That's all they do. They honestly don't shag.

LINDA SNELL
A drag queen.

LILLIAN ARCHER
Also a drag queen.

BRIAN ARCHER
No one can quite remember what he's for.

DEBBIE ARCHER
Played by Tamsin Greig. Fabulously, but very occasionally.

YOUNG TOM ARCHER
Referred to as "The Sausage Baron of Borsetshire" without even a smirk. Had an affair with the manager of the local supermarket. His sausages are no longer organic.

JAZZER
The only teenager in Ambridge ever to try drugs. He immediately suffered brain damage and became a non-speaking character.

JOLENE AND SID
Manage the pub. Once heard them having adulterous sex in the shower, which quite put me off my spin class. Jolene has a daughter called Fallon. Brilliant.

7 comments:

klee said...

Lilian is the only character I know who can speak in perfect parentheses.

Debbie's played by Tamsin Grieg? But Tamsin's fabulous and Debbie makes wholewheat muesli look gripping. *Can*not*compute*

There's a rule to The Archers. As soon as you know what Shula's doing it's time to rein your habit in a bit.

And I thought she was best friends with Caroline anyway. Perhaps they could have a mudfight in Tom Archer's pig pens.

Simon said...

Just wanted to say hello (I'm new around here) and comment on The Archers:

Tom Graham is a lush lad.

Tom Archer had his trailer denounced ("meat is murder") the Friday before last, and I am aware that the culprit(s) will strike Gourmet Grills again tomorrow evening: this time turning up the heat, so to speak. Does Ambridge have a mystery on its hands?

Where's that Inspector Barnaby when you need him, eh? lol

Personally, I'd like to hear Adam having a torrid affair with Tom or would that be incestuous?

Skip said...

Adam can't do Tom. They're as smug as each other. If they touched, Brian Archer's head would explode.

Skip said...

Mind you, here's a picture of Tom and Adam together.

Yay Tom. Nay Adam.

Simon said...

Adam's gay [plus he's better looking than Ian]; Tom's easily the best looking lad on the show: that's my logic, basically...

Skip said...

Don't forget - Adam's supposedly been living on the African Veldt without even a whiff of a shunt for 8 years.

He's not going to be choosy.

But, if Tom has to have a gay shag, can't it be with one of the 20 Polish Strawberry Picking hunks?

*pause*

Or all of them?

Simon said...

"one of the 20 Polish Strawberry Picking hunks"

Tom Archer stars in Frisky in the Fields lol :p