Meanwhile, in The Archers

So, finally the ghastly gays Ian and Adam got married. Their families turned up, they've postponed the honeymoon until after the lambing season, and neither groom managed to bang a male stripper on their last night of freedom. Yawn.

Ruth and David are trying to patch up their marriage, after Ruth failed to sleep with Sam the cowman. David responded to this act of fidelity by teariing down his children's treehouse.

Linda Snell's pantomime went ahead. Joe Grundy's beard was well-reviewed in the Borsetshire Echo.

Vile Helen Archer gets her annual plot. This time she's become an alcoholic (Honestly, just because your last boyfriend shot himself rather than be with you, it's any excuse). She's already done bulimia, whingeing, and working in the yoghurt factory. Luckily, Tom Archer (of Tom Archer's Sausages fame) tries to rescue her on New Year's Eve. Instead, Helen drunkenly runs over... Mike Tucker, the father of Tom's girlfriend. While Helen sobs (her ideal state) Tom decides to take the blame for the accident. Misery descends on Bridge Farm.

Finally, BBC Four make a documentary all about The Archers and we get to see that Saint Shula is actually 800 years old.