I have a surprise new flatmate. Readers will be surprised to learn it's the Polish footballing microbiologist.
He texts me out of the blue to explain he's split up from his boyfriend and has to move out in a hurry. Do I have a spare room for a couple of weeks?
I explain that, um, yes I do have a spare room at the moment. But I'm in Scotland and it's full of Lego trainset. How urgent is it?
Pretty urgent it turns out. So, I post him a set of keys, and he texts back, "Hey babe, is it okay if I share a bed with you while we sort out the spare room? I give you big kiss ;)"
This is either going to go really well, or really badly. But, and I know you're shaking your heads sadly at this, I should point out, the footballer looks like this:
It's like my gay duty. Plus he taught himself English by watching Family Guy.