Gay Etiquette

"The Bride Wore Black Leather... And He Looked Fabulous" is a guide to gay etiquette.

The reason for the google search was my temporary friend Mo. It was a Friday. I was drunk. And yet strangely functional considering I'd been drinking wine since the afternoon. And Mo and I were heading home. Only...

"We should get someone else," said Mo.
"Right," I said. Years ago, I would have been baffled by this. Like being asked the difference between bio and non-bio. But with age comes enough experience and pink t-shirts. "Right," I said. "Let's find someone we can agree on."

This is where a guide to gay etiquette could come in handy. There really has to be a printed guide somewhere as to what to say and how to cope. In the same way that whenever someone on the Orange Facebook asks "wot u in 2?" and I feel like typing "Chinese Buffets and Duke Ellington."

So Mo and I end up giggling like geishas in front of a gay who looks like a sailor from a Jean-Paul Gaultiere advert. Well, okay. Clearly this was a few years ago and Jean-Paul didn't give him any free moisturiser, but there was still a lot of arms spilling out of his wife-beater. Win.

And he was looking at us. Mildly interested. But also carefully bored.

"Say something," hissed Mo.
"You're younger, you say something."
"No."
"Come on, please."
"He. Is. Staring."
"Fine."

This is daft. I can't even bear to ask for the salt at dinner parties, and I'm figuring I've already managed to chat up one stranger and there's really no self-deprecating way of asking this. I need something that doesn't allow me to display any of my true character. So, I figure, about four words.

NO: "Hi... what's your name and how does troilism strike you?"
NO: "Having a good evening? [endless small talk] Umm. Well, anyway enjoy London."
NO: "My friend fancies you. And, funnily enough..."

In the end, I settle on: "We're going home. Coming?"