It's Saturday night. I'm shattered. I've been working all day and should really go out properly but instead make it to the local bar.
I've got the smoking terrace pretty much to myself, apart from a group of gays in the distance. They're actors. I can tell this cos they're saying things like "Why do you still have a personal trainer? You're not in Spooks now" and so on.
Anyway, out of the flat, quiet drink, relax. Bliss. Suddenly two old lesbians sit down at my table. One is dressed as a pirate, the other is wrapped in floaty tie-dye and wears a child's t-shirt as a shawl. "We'll sit here, Moonpaw," says tie-dye to pirate.
They sit down. I smile at them weakly, thinking "Of all the empty tables, why me? Why can't you pick on the fagtors?"
They make small talk. Or rather tie-dye says "Good evening, my child," and Pirate says "Can I have one of your cigarettes?"
I say no to this. I've just decided this is my new resolution and I'm seeing how it goes.
Pirate says: "Fuck you. I'm Madonna's daughter."
Tie-Dye says: "You owe us nothing, child. But positivity is everything. Why, I gave away fifty-thousand pounds once."
She smiles serenely and steals my lighter.
Tie-Dye goes on to explain how she gave her inheritance away to really needy deserving people and now lives off benefits while counselling and writing book reviews about world peace. She is, I can tell, a Good Person. I don't take to her at all.
Her list of donors includes "the High Priestess of Avalon who needed £2,000 to clear her mortgage, and of course I offered that." And I'm thinking "Two grand left on her mortgage? That's pennies. The Priestess saw you coming."
Pirate will occasionally mutter "I fucked Freud's father". Pirate has a walking stick and scowls at me. Pirate has clearly not forgiven me for not giving her a cigarette. I have not forgiven Pirate for dressing like a pirate but making it look like it isn't fun.
I think about lighting another cigarette, but Tie-Dye has stolen my lighter. "And then," she is saying, "An actor friend, very famous, needed emergency tooth whitening. Of course, I've never seen a penny of it back. But I believe that what we give we receive ten fold. I don't believe in God but I do cherish the World Soul."
"You're a fucking moron," growls the Pirate.
I go home thoroughly defeated.