I have a new gay friend. This is scintillating and marvellous, if you're me. Especially as he's an enormous tart.
We meet up for tea last week and I ask him how his job interview went. He screws his face up. "Not so good, no. This interviewer kept on asking me about 'my experience' and I couldn't work out what he was on about. After I walked out, I realised that I'm fairly sure I've slept with him."
"Only fairly sure?"
He shrugs.
This week he had another interview. I toy with witty text about sleeping with the hr consultant, can't make it work and end up just asking him how it went.
"Bad. This time I definitely slept with the guy."
Sunday, August 02, 2009
Friday, July 31, 2009
Hypno-Curious
So, I go and see Dashing Hypnotist. And he certainly ticks all the boxes, and the actual hypnosis is extraordinary.
The results are both mixed and remarkable. To start with, I'm not trying to give up smoking entirely - for the moment just stop pottering around the flat late at night, chainsmoking with a glass of vodka on the go. It seems pointless when I could just be reading a book.
Instead I'll find myself in the flat at 11, absolutely tired. Sober and with no urge to smoke. Just tired. So tired I just have to sleep. And I'll crawl into bed, and then... lie there. So utterly absolutely lifelessly tired, but not asleep.
And I'll remain there, almost helpless with tired until 1am. I think this is my body adjusting to trying to sleep without the whee! of nicotine and booze.
And then at 1am I'll get up, stagger to a sofa, and pour myself a drink and find the cigarettes. And I'll start reading a book - and i'll know that if I can just have a drink and a cigarette I'll feel sleepy... only, i keep failing to reach for the drink, or i'll light a cigarette and look down and find that i've let it burn out in the ash tray.
This I find both curious and impressive.
The Really Weird Thing is that I am suddenly remembering Bitter Arguments from the 90s, the guy who cheated on me with someone called Nigel who wore Yellow Jeans (!), Dreadful Rows at Work from the early 2000s, and dinner a couple of months back where I made polite small talk rather than saying "Go away, I no longer work for you, you vicious fool."
This I find even more curious.
The results are both mixed and remarkable. To start with, I'm not trying to give up smoking entirely - for the moment just stop pottering around the flat late at night, chainsmoking with a glass of vodka on the go. It seems pointless when I could just be reading a book.
Instead I'll find myself in the flat at 11, absolutely tired. Sober and with no urge to smoke. Just tired. So tired I just have to sleep. And I'll crawl into bed, and then... lie there. So utterly absolutely lifelessly tired, but not asleep.
And I'll remain there, almost helpless with tired until 1am. I think this is my body adjusting to trying to sleep without the whee! of nicotine and booze.
And then at 1am I'll get up, stagger to a sofa, and pour myself a drink and find the cigarettes. And I'll start reading a book - and i'll know that if I can just have a drink and a cigarette I'll feel sleepy... only, i keep failing to reach for the drink, or i'll light a cigarette and look down and find that i've let it burn out in the ash tray.
This I find both curious and impressive.
The Really Weird Thing is that I am suddenly remembering Bitter Arguments from the 90s, the guy who cheated on me with someone called Nigel who wore Yellow Jeans (!), Dreadful Rows at Work from the early 2000s, and dinner a couple of months back where I made polite small talk rather than saying "Go away, I no longer work for you, you vicious fool."
This I find even more curious.
Monday, July 27, 2009
A new blog about Murder!
The Agatha Christie ReaderMy friend Kate and I are reading all the Agatha Christie mysteries, at the rate of one a week. It's an excuse for Kate to re-read them, and for me to actually read the things rather than just watch them on Sunday nights. We're starting off with "The Mysterious Affair At Styles". Do join in.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
How the scam works
I am out for drinks with one of the Steves. A guy sits down at our table.
"You want to buy?" he asks.
Steve looks at him, surprised. "I don't want any DVDs," he explains.
The guy places a plastic bag on the table (a Woolworths bag!) and starts to unwrap another bag inside it.
"It's a t-shirt," he explains, "Good t-shirt." He rifles around some more.
"No thank you," I say, and look away. He's boring me and my Inner Daily Mail reader has taken over. Just look away, Jeremy, look away, and maybe the ghastly man will disappear.
"Please," the man urges, reaching further down into the endless plastic bags, "I'm starving."
"No," says Steve politely.
The man stands up and shakes his head sadly. Then he leaves the bar.
"That was odd," said Steve. "He said he was starving, but he's got a really nice bike."
"Yeah," I agreed, "And he didn't even work the rest of the bar. Just sat down here. And what was with all those plastic bags? Especially ones from Woollies?"
"Some people," we agree.
An hour later we realise the guy has stolen Steve's wallet and mobile from the top of the table.
"You want to buy?" he asks.
Steve looks at him, surprised. "I don't want any DVDs," he explains.
The guy places a plastic bag on the table (a Woolworths bag!) and starts to unwrap another bag inside it.
"It's a t-shirt," he explains, "Good t-shirt." He rifles around some more.
"No thank you," I say, and look away. He's boring me and my Inner Daily Mail reader has taken over. Just look away, Jeremy, look away, and maybe the ghastly man will disappear.
"Please," the man urges, reaching further down into the endless plastic bags, "I'm starving."
"No," says Steve politely.
The man stands up and shakes his head sadly. Then he leaves the bar.
"That was odd," said Steve. "He said he was starving, but he's got a really nice bike."
"Yeah," I agreed, "And he didn't even work the rest of the bar. Just sat down here. And what was with all those plastic bags? Especially ones from Woollies?"
"Some people," we agree.
An hour later we realise the guy has stolen Steve's wallet and mobile from the top of the table.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
This week Pavel say
Pavel, Newham on July 22nd, 2009
I am love for Sam, he have body long with breasts who look like eyes of Homer Simpson! I will have no men but him to kiss now, Sam you want Lithuania hot boy??
Will add link when I've got the tiniest bit more time. Honestly, school on a Saturday.
I am love for Sam, he have body long with breasts who look like eyes of Homer Simpson! I will have no men but him to kiss now, Sam you want Lithuania hot boy??
Will add link when I've got the tiniest bit more time. Honestly, school on a Saturday.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
All hail the hypno-toad
Right. Fine. I am toying with giving up smoking. And, I figured, why not try hypnosis? And then I started looking at the websites for London hypnotherapists and got freaked.
1) They all have this weird expression:
I can't tell you what it is, exactly. But it's the expression that goes with the phrase: "You remarked earlier on the unusual almond seasoning in the soup..."
2) Awful websites
Sunsets, water droplets, clip art of hands clasping a planet... Even, mercy me, the blink tag. Oh, it's like the mid 90s.
3) Therapy speak
"Well done for arriving here!" or "Congratulations. You've already made a significant step in finding this page", or "I am a cognitive hypnotherapist and the approach that I use is interactive" etc.
4) Scare tactics
This link: "How much does it cost?". Sheesh. No.
5) Too much detail at the wrong moment
"Would you please note that my appointments manager, Ian, works flexible hours Monday to Friday from 10 a.m. to 5 p.m. If you call and he is not here just leave your name and number on our answering machine and Ian will call you back"
6) Odd ideas
"In 2002 I was the first hypnotherapist in the world to enable clients to make their own subliminal message recording. I withdrew this facility in 2006 as it was taking up too much of the session time. I have now revamped and relaunched this innovative idea, and it is even better than before." What? This is based on the sure fire knowledge that everyone loves the sound of their own voice.
So, in the end, I've decided to take the shallowest possible approach based on the following tried-and-tested dating criteria:
1) Are they fit?
2) Do they live near by?
3) No telltale signs of a serial killer?
On this basis, after an exhaustive search, it looks as though I'm going to be hypnotised by Will Young:
1) They all have this weird expression:
I can't tell you what it is, exactly. But it's the expression that goes with the phrase: "You remarked earlier on the unusual almond seasoning in the soup..."
2) Awful websites
Sunsets, water droplets, clip art of hands clasping a planet... Even, mercy me, the blink tag. Oh, it's like the mid 90s.
3) Therapy speak
"Well done for arriving here!" or "Congratulations. You've already made a significant step in finding this page", or "I am a cognitive hypnotherapist and the approach that I use is interactive" etc.
4) Scare tactics
This link: "How much does it cost?". Sheesh. No.
5) Too much detail at the wrong moment
"Would you please note that my appointments manager, Ian, works flexible hours Monday to Friday from 10 a.m. to 5 p.m. If you call and he is not here just leave your name and number on our answering machine and Ian will call you back"
6) Odd ideas
"In 2002 I was the first hypnotherapist in the world to enable clients to make their own subliminal message recording. I withdrew this facility in 2006 as it was taking up too much of the session time. I have now revamped and relaunched this innovative idea, and it is even better than before." What? This is based on the sure fire knowledge that everyone loves the sound of their own voice.
So, in the end, I've decided to take the shallowest possible approach based on the following tried-and-tested dating criteria:
1) Are they fit?
2) Do they live near by?
3) No telltale signs of a serial killer?
On this basis, after an exhaustive search, it looks as though I'm going to be hypnotised by Will Young:
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Saturday, July 18, 2009
All's right with the world
Pavel's back:
"Pavel, Newham on July 15th, 2009
Andy, you jealos of he love for me. Jonny is pure and beauty have. You see his eye have love for Lithuania boy!"
"Pavel, Newham on July 15th, 2009
Andy, you jealos of he love for me. Jonny is pure and beauty have. You see his eye have love for Lithuania boy!"
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