Wednesday, July 22, 2009

All hail the hypno-toad

Right. Fine. I am toying with giving up smoking. And, I figured, why not try hypnosis? And then I started looking at the websites for London hypnotherapists and got freaked.

1) They all have this weird expression:

I can't tell you what it is, exactly. But it's the expression that goes with the phrase: "You remarked earlier on the unusual almond seasoning in the soup..."

2) Awful websites
Sunsets, water droplets, clip art of hands clasping a planet... Even, mercy me, the blink tag. Oh, it's like the mid 90s.

3) Therapy speak
"Well done for arriving here!" or "Congratulations. You've already made a significant step in finding this page", or "I am a cognitive hypnotherapist and the approach that I use is interactive" etc.

4) Scare tactics

This link: "How much does it cost?". Sheesh. No.

5) Too much detail at the wrong moment

"Would you please note that my appointments manager, Ian, works flexible hours Monday to Friday from 10 a.m. to 5 p.m. If you call and he is not here just leave your name and number on our answering machine and Ian will call you back"

6) Odd ideas

"In 2002 I was the first hypnotherapist in the world to enable clients to make their own subliminal message recording. I withdrew this facility in 2006 as it was taking up too much of the session time. I have now revamped and relaunched this innovative idea, and it is even better than before." What? This is based on the sure fire knowledge that everyone loves the sound of their own voice.

So, in the end, I've decided to take the shallowest possible approach based on the following tried-and-tested dating criteria:
1) Are they fit?
2) Do they live near by?
3) No telltale signs of a serial killer?

On this basis, after an exhaustive search, it looks as though I'm going to be hypnotised by Will Young:


Hugh said...

that middle one (curly hair) looks like you've lifted the pic from crimestoppers

Actually make that, the one WITH hair is another one, and at least he's a gayer

Rob Stradling said...

Fair enough. I mean, you've got to WANT to "look into my eyes", right?

Skip said...

Thanks for Chrismorris - love the comment: " Join Richard Bandler in sunny Mexico. The different economy means this is an excellent-value program and you will enjoy the best of NLP, DHE and NHR"

Mr said...

Ask your GP for Champix- sorts you right out.

Skip said...

Yeah yeah yeah, i've heard a lot about Champix, but it can also have some pretty hilarious side effects. And I'm really looking to cut down the urge to smoke, initially. Rather than just hack out my body's craving centres. I like the idea of bacon. It's what gets me up in the morning.

Dorian said...

You should try salmiac. It's kinda salty, strong Finnish liquorice. That's what my mates have taken when they've fancied a fag.

Qenny said...

I thought the third one looked a bit Sontaran.

On a completely unrelated note, my hubbie completely gave up his 20-a-day habit after two £40 hypno sessions with a guy in Hackney ( - but he's no looker either.