The new sex: Nylon

"Calling all guys with a NYLON FETISH!! Try something new....?? London lad, living in Wimbledon who is well into having fun with guys wearing puffa/down jackets. I have a big collection of gear that I want to share with others! It is amazing how much guys that have never experienced the softness and shinyness of down gear, really love it."

What did we do without the internet? No, I mean, really...

Editor 2

After a few days, I have decided that video editing is kind of like fun prison.

You're locked in a windowless cell with a burly stranger. Only, instead of forced bumming and biro tattoos, we're making television. Which is kind of cool.

Editor

"I am in an edit." Quite the sexiest out-of-office on the planet, and, for once, true of me.

I am sat in an airless bunker with a very patient video editor, and piles and piles of footage of actors. We have the power of gods, the patience of saints, and satan's own hard drive.

It's hilarious. Apart from when we took a slightly waffly interview and edited it down, whittling and whittling... until there was nothing left.

Why I love my personal trainer

"Smoking speeds up the metabolism," he said, "And alcohol... well, it's calories, which is useful if we're gonna be bulking up."

I've got a new personal trainer. John joins the long army of mildly disapproving Australians who regard my body with the encouraging pity of a hairdresser confronted by Bella Emberg brandishing a picture of Posh Spice.

My last real personal trainer got deported. Lovely bloke, but ran into trouble renewing his student visa. Scrupulously honest, he told them he hadn't studied anything for a while, and that they couldn't send him home as he was running a thriving business.

John's joined my gym after running the Chelsea Harbour Club.

"Where's the harbour in Chelsea, exactly?" I asked him

John looked at me blankly. "You know, I'm not sure there is one. Six years, and I never thought about that."

New gym is hilarious. It includes a clutch of scowling marys with time on their hands, and a hefty discount at the hotel bar.

Alcazar reform. Bang!

For one night only! July 21st!

Good news: One more dose of irresistibly mad Swedish pop from Alcazar - who gave us the couplet "Would you like to come to a menage a trois? There's room for one more body in our boudoir", and who dared do a dance version of "Seaons in the Sun."

Bad news It means swimming in the chicken soup that is G-A-Y.

Two things I'll never do again

1) Provide room service to lonely businessmen in nearby hotels.
No matter how sexy they are, when you walk into the room and they say "No talking"... well, there's a word for that. And it's not nice to realise that I'm just taking work away from local tradesmen.

2) Agree when an ex says "Hey! For a laugh - why don't we watch the porn film I'm in?"
I have no tact and little time for porn. So I just kept saying the wrong thing.
"God... you really looked thin then... How much fake tan are you wearing? Is that chair from Ikea - you know I bet it is... Bless, you're pinching your own nipple... Look at your cock - it's gone quite purple... Oh yes, who could forget that noise? ... Ooh, you've splashed that bowl of fake fruit."
That we still had sex after that is more down to his generosity than my charm.

The new sex

When I was in my twenties I was baffled by the new fashion. Now I'm baffled by the new sex. Here's two new ones:

1) Gunge
Remember the Gunk Tank from Saturday morning kids tv? Well, it's just like that, only without Keith Chegwin and puppets. It's a group of men, and a tank of slime. Beyond that, I'm baffled.

2) Clothing
Boys are putting themselves through university by offering their used socks and boxer shorts for sale. Is there anything less appetising than a student's unwashed undercrackers? Jeez, I have enough trouble doing my own laundry without paying to do someone else's.

Musketeer

Beard is getting a little silly. For one thing, it's growing in the colours of a tortoishell cat. For another, last night i found food in it. Only half a peanut - but still, on the Tramps's Calendar, that puts me a fortnight away from Vodka Breakfasts and a month from not using fabric softener.

How girls watch Doctor Who

It's the accent that does it for me. And also the whistful memory that this is exactly how I used to watch Alias. Only in a wig.

Builders

I found out what happened to the original site manager who was renovating our flats.

"Oh, Wayneton!" the new project manager laughed. "You couldn't put your phone down without him looking at it. Loads of stuff went missing from the estate. In the end, he was caught trying to steal a chaise longue from a flat."

Stealing a phone? That's everyday theft. But soft furnishings? That's bold.