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Things about the last year:

• Indigestion Suddenly, red onions are no longer my friend.
  
• Metabolism Oh. It's not just a myth that it slows down. Goodbye fat yoghurt, hello secretary-strength Muller.
  
• Clubbing GAY really is Disco Inferno without the disco. How did I never notice that?
  
• Too young for you A whole swathe of men are suddenly unavailable. And I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye.
  
• Hair I liked having a slight widow's peak. I liked having no chest hair. Now I look like Basil Rathbone with a chest wig. And as for nose hair - isn't it supposed to be inside your nose, not on top of it?
  
• Babies No, I'm not getting one. They're like iPods. Everyone else either has one, several, or so many they leave them in cupboards. No. Not me.