Pride And Prejudice

Pride and Prejudice, handsome, clever and rich, with a good script and clever cinematographer seemed to unite all the best of British cinema, lacking but the attachment of a Star Name to make it the happiest of perfections...

Thankful they were that young Miss Knightley, a woman of no small accomplishments, came to the film set, and was happy to be called upon to spare no exertions in the achievement of A Cheery Film With Bonnets, which is about all we can make these days, really. Apart from nonsense about criminals hitting each other.

Anyway, for the curious, the film goes a bit like this...

KEIRA: I'm not wearing make-up you know. It emphasises my untainted beauty.

BRENDA BLETHYN: The character of Mrs Bennett is normally played as a fool. This makes her annoying. Instead, I'm playing her as a worrying fool. This makes her even more annoying.

CARDBOARD CUTOUT ON WHEELS (aka MATTHEW McFADYN) : *squeak* *squeak* *squeak*

KEIRA: I'm going to dance exuberantly. This proves that I am a free spirit. Then I'm going to say things that are very clever in a deadpan fashion. But I'll smile. Very slightly.

THE AUDIENCE: We are in love with you.

DONALD SUTHERLAND: This is Donald Sutherland. I'm not in at the moment. Please leave a message.

SOME ANIMALS WANDER PAST. THIS IS PART OF THE FILM'S COMPLEX SYMBOLISM. JUDI DENCH HAS A CAGED PARROT, AS SHE IS A TOUGH OLD BIRD.

MATTHEW McFADYN: I. Love. You.

KEIRA: But you're a cardboard cutout on wheels. I cannot love that.

MATTHEW McFADYN IS WHEELED OFF.

KEIRA: Oh, Bren - I'm about to express an emotion.

BRENDA: Right ho, dearie, I'll just nip outside and turn the weather on. Is it going to be a happy emotion? I can do you a lovely autumn sunset, suit "whistful" a treat, that would.

KEIRA: No, Bren. I think I shall be quite sad.

BRENDA: Fair enough, dear.

IT RAINS, COPIOUSLY.

KEIRA GOES TO VISIT MATTHEW McFADYN'S BIG COUNTRY HOUSE AND REALISES HE HAS EVEN MORE MONEY THAN SHE DOES. SHE SEES SOME STATUES AND LOOKS AS THOUGH SHE'S ABOUT TO LICK THEM.

THE SUN SHINES.

KEIRA: I haven't slept all night.

THE AUDIENCE: You're the most beautiful thing in film.

MATTHEW McFADYN: I haven't slept either.

THE AUDIENCE: You look like shit.

IT STARTS TO RAIN. THE CARDBOARD MATTHEW McFADYN DISSOLVES.