The Lake House

Dear Keanu

I'm so lucky! Who'd have thought it? Living in the same house as you, but two years in the future. You can send me magic messages and everything. Coo.
PS: Those stains in the hall are really stubborn.

Love,
James

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Dear Keanu

Thanks for your last note from two years ago, and for finding time to redecorate the downstairs bathroom (how lucky I am! suddenly, it's always been fuschia!). In answer to your question, yes, you're still famous in 2006. Well, a bit famous. I mean, they're aren't pictures of you in Heat often, but at least they've stopped printing those nasty bulimia rumours.

PS: Just lifted that loose floorboard. Your old porn! How thoughtful.

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Dear Keanu

I've checked. Later on in 2004, your hair gets really long and greasy. Then there's a mullet in spring, then something flicky with highlights, then a buzzcut. Ooh, and it looks like you've started covering up the grey. With tar. The buzzcut was nicest - why not just go for that?

PS: Lifted another floorboard. Another stash of Keanu porn. Bless.

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Dear Keanu

Nope. I checked. People don't think more of you for taking interesting roles in indy movies. And you don't get the lead in Capote. The bad news is, you do get the lead in Constantine.

PS: Another floorboard. More porn. Your gifts aren't diverse, but they are prolific.

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Dear Keanu

Waited in the restaurant for three hours. You didn't show up. Just as they were closing, a lawyer with an NDA turned up. You cad.

PS: When I got home, I lifted every floorboard. Porn rammed under every one. They're not gifts - you're just filthy.

PPS: No, do do the Lake House with Sandra Bullock. She's forgiven you. Really.