I really didn't mean to go dogging. I was simply chatting to three people outside a club, and two of them got in their car and went home, and I got chatting to the remaining one.
He got in his car, and shut the door, leaving me standing outside. Oh. Odd. Was that goodnight? I tapped on the window. It slid down.
"Get in then," he said, and in I got.
"Um," I said. We were sitting in a dark car. This felt naughty and yet odd. Plus, I had no idea what you actually do. I mean my only experience of reaching across in a car was to grab another sandwich from my mother's tupperware. This was... new.
I decided to risk a snog.
"Not yet," he hissed. "I'm waiting to make sure the others have gone."
"I think they have."
"Nah, I'm just checking - it's just that they're great to go back with, but Simon always makes like he's happy watching you shag Derek, but then all of a sudden he's on top of you. Kind of puts you off, you know."
"Right. Yeah. Um.
"Look, let's just park round the corner."
So, we park round the corner. And it's all very odd. I mean, I've kissed a boyfriend goodnight in a car. That seemed fine. But sex in a car? It's all rather Carry On. Especially when the chairs reclined automatically. That was hilarious.
So anyway, the chairs reclined, and so did we, and I learned many useful things about him, including where his tattoos were and what his name was.
All of a sudden, though, there was a light. One of those motion-sensitive security lights. Was that us?
"Fucking hell," said Carl, "They're pressed up against the windows." And he was right.
You know that bit in a horror movie when the noble young lovers are taking desperate
refuge in a car from the shuffling zombie hoardes?
Well, dear reader, I was that desperate.
Gays had surrounded the car, and were up against it like slugs on a milk bottle.
"What... do... we... do?" I whispered.
"Buckle up," grinned Carl.
Oooh! A daring bid to scatter them like cardboad boxes in Starsky and Hutch! I reached for my seatbelt.
"No," hissed Carl, "Pull up your pants. They'll get bored in a minute."
So, we talked. About stacking shelves in Tesco, and how he had to leave in a few minutes to start baking bread.
And gradually, the zombies got bored and shuffled away.
And eventually, the security light winked off.
And, finally, he went and baked some bread.