Dear, damn, Camden Council.
Outside my window is a nice new open-air football pitch, installed by the Council. I'm completely disinterested - although the sound of happy kids playing football is a lot better than the sounds of bored kids kicking in cars and torching the recycling bins (the council have given up, and they just sit there like half melted toffee, with fresh tin cans occasionally poked through gaping maws).
But anyway, as a gay, one of my deep fears is that, having read the Daily Mail, I'm bound to wake up as a Kiddy Fiddler.
So far, thank god, have been fine. Children aren't sexy. They're not even cute, frankly.
However, had a momentary panic last night when I glanced out of the window and thought "ohmyword". I looked again and sighed. No, I hadn't suddenly turned deviant.... the pitch had been taken over by topless Brazilian men. And, further extensive checking proved that they were real grow-up men.
Oh thank goodness. Not a paedophile. Just a perv.
I explained this to Darian today. "There I was staring at men, leaning out of the window, about to lose either my balance or my morals."
Darian shrugged. "That's my weekend."