Saturday, July 23, 2005

Rolling News: War of the Worlds

PRESENTER: You join us as we're discussing the hostile invasion of Earth by Martians -

AMANDA CUDDLE: I'm going to have to stop you there, Michael. I should point out that there's still no proof that these visitors are from Mars, nor that their intentions are hostile. As such, your language is a clear example of Marsophobia.

PRESENTER: I'm sorry. But surely, with most of Europe destroyed, it's clear what these aliens are hoping to achieve?

AMANDA: I think, again, you're taking a simplistic view of their agenda and looking outward at a time when we should be looking inward, and even asking ourselves what we've done to cause this.

PRESENTER: Are you saying that it's our fault that millions of people have been wiped out by a Death Ray?

AMANDA: There you go again! We're finding that the term "Heat Ray" is more culturally correct.

PRESENTER: But still - they've covered the planet with a deadly Red Weed.

AMANDA: Oh, come now! The Garden of England has always thrived on diversity. Surely we can welcome the Red Creeper onto our soil?

PRESENTER: Not when it needs to be sprayed with human blood to survive.

AMANDA: Yet again, you're being very simplistic. It's easy to misunderstand intentions when there's a lack of cultural interplay - and easy to tar all Tripods with the actions of a scant few Visitors. We're earnestly engaging in dialogue with the wider alien community and key elements of that community in the hopes of promoting greater understanding.

PRESENTER: And how are those talks going?

AMANDA: ...

PRESENTER: I'm sorry. I didn't catch that.

AMANDA: Well, currently, talks have been one-sided.

PRESENTER: They turned your teams into fertilizer didn't they?

AMANDA: We prefer to see it as dramatically increasing their liquidity in order to achieve a porous interface.

PRESENTER: Well, surely you'll condemn the slaughter of millions by the War Machines?

AMANDA: Firstly, I've got to pull you up on your terms again here. We prefer either Tripod, or Alien Mobility Support unit. As we speak, working parties are improving Tripod Access to key public buildings.

PRESENTER: But their agenda is clearly the end of all human life-

AMANDA: Please. Put yourself in their position before speaking for them, yeah? It's that kind of hate-filled language that's greatly increasing the culture of fear on our streets. Carry on like that, and people won't be able to pass a Tripod while out shopping without thinking "Uh, oh, Death Machine"...

[CONTINUES FOR 24 HOURS ON ALL CHANNELS]

2 comments:

frobisher said...

Frighteningly accurate!

Eric Bogs said...

you're scaring me. just a little bit.