Saturday, January 19, 2008
This was on at the gym this morning. I saw this video when I was a kid, but I've never, you know, watched it.
It begins with Adam as a male Cinderella. Now, the prime question of any visual artwor is "Would you do him?". The answer here has to be "no". He looks like a bored mechanic trapped in a nightmare world where dry ice is red.
Cut to bored fat man with a large harp. Freaky.
Suddenly - it's a tiny harp. Freakier.
Back in the cellar, Adam's two gay best friends have dropped by on their way out for some cocaine and syphillis. Clearly, they regard him as an endearing bit of street rough. Especially the one on the right.
Adam spends the evening stroking his toy cat. His ugly sisters take his cat away, at which point two more gay friends turn up to console him. The sisters are then invited to the Ball, leaving Adam behind.
All four of Adam's gay friends console him while he plays with his toy car. The situation seems hopeless.
There's a flash of light, and fairy godmother Diana Dors descends on a cloud powered by go-go boys.
We cut back to Adam, whose rubbing-eyes-in-disbelief acting is quite the worst ever performed and explains why he never got a musical role in the wilderness years.
Diana Dors transforms his toy cat into a panther, his toy car into a pink Rolls, and then changes Adam into Adam Ant. He's much more do-able and can now go to the party.
Much is made of the following scene by music video critics. Or I imagine is, if i'd ever read any. A ballroom full of frozen people is rightly the stuff of nightmares.
Or is it? Look at the woman on the left's hair. I know it was the 80s, but what was she thinking? Fag hag.
Adam appears on a balcony, sails across the tiled floor on a chandelier and breaks a mirror. It's a bit more complex than that, but it's an image that's been knicked countless times (one of my earliest memories was of a character in Doctor Who who did the same thing a few months later). Indeed, now you can hardly glimpse a dancefloor without assuming there'll be a big broken glass moment.
Of course, before the glass is broken, Adam has to lead everyone in the Prince Charming dance.
Even Diana Dors does the Prince Charming. Wearing a smile that says, very clearly, "I like cock."
Adam then climbs above the crowd, up a staircase full of smoke. This is nightmarish enough, and then the crowd fades away. Gah!
Adam now breaks the mirror and then dresses up as Clint Eastwood, Kiss and Lawrence of Arabia. All proving, I guess, that you can look as silly as you like if you gaze beyond the mirror. Adam has forgotten himself, and thus shown us he's handsome.