Sunday, March 16, 2008

Fags for Archers

This is the plan. My friend Joe has never listened to The Archers. His favourite soap is Hollyoaks. But we're bribing him with a packet of cigarettes for every omnibus he gets through. Here's his report on last week's:

Okay, I have listened to the Archers omnibus, darlings.

Darlings, I love Lillian. She's great fun with her "Why do I keep so much stuff in this handbag?" I am also intrigued by how big her diary is. "I forgot my diary" "Oh, you can leave it here if you like" "Oh no, let me get it out of your way" Is it the size of a fridge??

Don't like Comedy Sid and Comedy Jolene. They can fuck off, frankly, darling.

I'm intrigued by what Rory has done! Is he the same as Roy? Cos I thought Rory was a 5 year old or something?

Then, darling, David and Ruth waved goodbye to Heather (Ruth's mum who is getting the train back to Newcastle). Ruth's "byeeeeeee" to the taxi made me laugh.

Eventually worked out that Matt and Lillian had split up and stuff. Loved Jolene's fake list of things that Lillian wanted Matt to send over to the pub "Books, jewellery, fur..."

Brenda and Roy: Brenda's being very unreasonable about the house. I'm on Roy's side on that one!

Some blokes talking, I don't know who. But one is married to Freda who has a new hairstyle and an exercise video!!!!! Who is she trying to impress?!?!

Then two women in a shop. One called Nic (who returns later and isn't the world's greatest actress) seems to be there with some kids called George, Susan, Helen, Mia, Jake and Jordan. I think though that I got something wrong and she's only there with one kid and she's talking to her mate Helen. Or something. The other woman is very excited because Nic is... going to have driving lessons!!! Luckily, Will's been showing one of them where the pedals are. Then one of the blokes comes in and has a go at her for telling off a kid. Or something.

Then there are some people talking about lambing but I don't know who they are.

Jennifer, darling and Lillian, darling are driving and following a learner driver and I'm ahead of them! It's Nic!!! Also has, brilliantly, a very standard text message beep-beep to which the other woman says "Is that your phone?"

Then two blokes talking about an "indie chick" who is in a band which advertises on "myspace". Goodness!

Helen and Nic having the "bottle of wine being poured sound effect" and chatting about how Nic is a donkey because she wasn't very good at the driving.

Jenny and Brian arguing. Having problems because Jenny has been shopping. I don't really know who they are or what the connection is. But they seem to have the kid Roy/Rory who I think is only Brian's son not Jenny's. Earlier I had thought that they were the people living in the house that is going to be split up but I now realise they're not.

Roy has Hayley and Phoebe and the new baby and he's going to leave the casserole dish into soak.

And then Hayley has stomach pains!!!!! Only, I thought she was Brenda so did get confused when her brother Roy/Rory helped her out of the bath. These country folk...

Ruth and David are at some kind of concert. I'm not sure who they are but they seem to be married and have a kid called Pip. Who isn't a very good actress. Ruth and David then have a hilarious conversation about kids wearing low-hanging jeans!

Hayley and Mike are waiting.... then sound effect "VRRRRROOOOOOOMMM" to which someone says "Is that the car?" And Mike's "Oh dear" as Hayley rushed to hospital not so great.

Hospital stuff. Hahaha! Brenda is blaming herself because Hayley has had a "tiny... so tiny... tiny... tiny..." baby. Yeah! You and your moaning brought it on, Brenda you bitch!

And I've just realised that Mike is Davros!!!!

Jenny wants a divorce because their house is being split in two as well?!?!?! Are they splitting up two houses in Ambridge?!

Awh! The baby is opening her eyes. I don't care because Lillian, darling, isn't in the scene. Again, getting confused between Brenda and Hayley. They calling the kid Abby. Which is making me think of the Howard's Way character and... "we've got so much love to give you, please stay with us, won't you?" That's the cliffhanger?!?!?!! Are we to tune in to see if the baby answers??! I hope it's an alien or something.

And since when has James Earl Jones been the continuity announcer on Radio 4?!?

Will I be tuning in again?! Hmm... maybe.... I am intrigued by Nic and whether she is a childkiller or something. And Lillian and Matt are fun. Can't stand the comedy yokel pub couple. And a bit confused by all the random blokes, some of whom know indie chicks and some of whom are married to Freda. Quite into the Brenda/Hayley/Mike/Rory or Roy story but don't really get who Jennifer and David are - she has two very middle-class sounding kids and he has Roy or Rory and there's something about a will but they're not part of the Brenda/Hayley/Mike story. It confuses me.

So yeah, I'll be tuning in on Sunday.

You owe me cigarettes.



Perry Neeham said...

Even after the latest budget I still think it would be less painfull for Joe to buy his own bloody fags than loose an hour of his life every week.

Sarah said...

I too had problems identifying the characters when I was first coerced in to listening. But give it ten years or so and you'll find you're listening to the evening shows and the omnibus.

whatever you do don't look at the website and see what Will and Ed really look like. It kind of ruins it.

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Skip said...

I've already seen what Will and Ed look like. They're ugly, but you'd do them together for the story.

Meanwhile, "projetores" finds this post likeable. Meh.

Orchis said...

It's good that there was some classic casserole action.

I wouldn't mind discussing sausages with 'Tom'.