On finally owning porn

I now own some pornography on DVD. The sole reason I own it is because it is a Doctor Who spin off. Does this say more about me, the people who made it, or the intended audience?

You'll be pleased to hear that it is very bad indeed. Not, sadly, as funny as I'd hoped, but it has its moments. We'll start with the plot.

A Female Doctor dates a patient who dreams he is a shape-changing alien. In a shock twist, he turns out to be a shape-changing alien. She then gets abducted by another shape-changing alien called Bob who kills her gay flatmate but teaches her how to change her shape. Then they go shopping.

Seriously. Shopping montage:



After shopping, Female Doctor (now in the body of a Mostly-Pretty Man), goes home to Mostly-Pretty Man's girlfriend and has sex with her, and then wakes up back in her own body. If this was proper porn, I believe she would then have sex with Mostly-Pretty Man's girlfriend again. But it isn't, so instead she leaves behind the receipts for her shopping, in case the girlfriend wants to take any of it back.

It turns out that Bob the alien is a killer. As is the patient she was originally dating. They've got a plan to um, ozone layer, um, global carbon warming thing. Everyone swaps bodies for a bit.

There's then a scene in a Travelodge where female doctor stands staring at her tits in the mirror, musing on the enigma of being a shape-changer. Actually, it looks more like a tired actress staring sadly at her tits in the mirror, avoiding eye contact with the crew and thinking "Why am I doing this shit?".

Anyway, there's then some more stuff to do with driving around in a rental van, a tiny bit more nudity, a really odd bodyswap/serial killer subplot, everyone's eyes glow spooky-red and then the end.

It's neither particularly dramatic, nor pornographic. It feels slightly ashamed to be either. You see some not very exciting breasts, several flaccid penises, and Mostly-Pretty Man's pounding buttocks. They are very disappointing buttocks, and, like most of the flesh on display, insufficiently shaved.

Marvellously, the DVD includes a Making Of feature in which Female Doctor talks about her shame at the gratuitous nudity. We cut several times to the Director, who is interviewed draped around his cast. He is clinging to them, like he's afraid they'll run away. He has a strange look in his eyes. It is the look I've seen in an old lady's eyes when she realises that Tesco have reduced all their baked goods, but there just isn't enough room in her freezer.

Also, startlingly, there is a Music Commentary. This is a music-only version of the film, only with the composer talking over it occasionally. If this were a proper porn movie, this would be The Most Hilarious Thing Ever ("You'll notice how I've timed the drumbeat to his climatic thrusts. I was inspired by the great Bernie Hermann's score for Psycho..."). Instead, this isn't a proper porn film, so the music commentary track simply turns out to be very dull indeed.

There's also some special effects footage. Normally, actors standing in front of a green screen is boring - but this is a close up of naked shape-changing male alien's flaccid member. As we watch, one of his testicles drops a remarkably long way, instantly becoming the most memorable ball in cinema since Raiders of the Lost Ark.

The whole thing's drab and miserable, and makes you suspect the director (a Bill Baggs) has never seen porn. It did, however, arrive in a brown envelope, with a little sticker telling me it had been sent by Mrs M Baggs. I can only assume that the director's mother has posted me his porn. Which is worth the money alone.

Finally, a second screengrab. Female Doctor works in Paper Hospital. Every sign in the hospital is made of paper and blu-tacked to the walls. But the best piece of paper in the Paper Hospital is the one Female Doctor is given when she's fired: