Being Jordan

Gemma made me watch Piers Morgan meets Katie Price. Which was a bit like Godzilla vs The Flying Lizard if Godzilla ducked awkward questions and Katie Price could fly.

It was extraordinary. Price's body language was priceless. Asked if she's still with Peter Andre she looked down and said "Yes" (lie!) followed by scratching her nose (lie!) and repeating "Yes." Cut to Peter Andre (shall we call him "poor Peter Andre"?) looking like Mr Preying Mantis shortly after the Mrs reveals she's peckish.

Jordan came across as hard as nails. Even when trying to be relaxed and candid, off-the-cuff and cheeky, she was like nothing so much as The Mansonator. At any moment she could have sliced Piers Morgan's head off. And it would still have asked her easy questions.

There were two Awful Moments. The first was when Jordan spontaneously revealed her child abuse. Or rather mentioned that she didn't want to talk about her abuse and then waved her hands in front of her tear ducts. "No tears! No tears!" shrieked Gemma. It was just enough to give the Red Tops their "I Was Abused!" strapline, but without actually any details, or, er, any suggestion that she really had been abused. It looked phoney. I'll stand corrected when her pederastic maths master is sent down for 40 years, but it looked like an orchestrated clutch for the "My Trauma" cover of Chat.

Morgan let it go - despite him vowing to ask hard questions and her promising not to duck anything. He even said "let's not go into it". It looked like a rehearsed stunt - surely, if it was real trauma stripped bare, her mum and husband would have rushed on stage to stop the recording.

The second awful moment was when Jordan revealed her seduction of Peter Andre. She'd turned up at his hotel room. "He was expecting Naughties," she said. At which point we all slid off the sofa and into the foetal position, "And he got Naughties."

The camera cut to poor Peter Andre, busily proving that you can't blush through fake tan.

And then Jordan said, in a moment to rival her "Christ, you must have a bucket!" zinger on the Graeme Norton show, "Well, I blew him in the toilet." Class.

Puzzlingly her hair was scraped back for battle. Or as though she was going for the St Jade Skull Cap feel.

This was actually harder viewing than the opening episode of Red Riding - where bad things happened to a skinny youth mostly cos it was
a) The 1970s
b) The North
c) He couldn't act.