There is one gay bar in India. And it's only open on a Saturday.
The reason Club Voodoo goes gay once a week is because it's not the biggest crime going on there.
As we walked in, Rick was separated from me by a throng of Russian female prostitutes.
I tried to order drinks at the bar. A knee landed against the back of my leg. And then started to rub up and down against it. And push in harder. I caught a glimpse over my shoulder of a fat grinning man. Frantically I turned to the indifferent barman, who was pouring "vodka" the colour of piss into our glasses. I was being dry humped by a fat man's knee in a hooker bar while paying through the nose for moonshine.
Rick and I stood there, glancing nervously around.
"R and B gets everywhere," growled Rick.
I saw a lovely man at the end of the bar. He looked very severe, with a shaved head and cruel expression. Rick looked over and tutted, "That's an arms dealer."
"All the same, I'm going to chat him up," I announced, staggering unsteadily across the dance whores.
The arms dealer turned out to be a charming French tourist. He'd had a terrible evening at the bar, being groped by strange fat Indian businessmen. It was all rather unpleasant, but we were getting on very well, considering I was almost too drunk to speak.
Soon, I realised it was time to go home. "I'm drunk. I'm going back to my hotel. Would you like to come?" I asked.
The Frenchman warmly. "I don't understand, i'm afraid."
"Would you like to come back with me?"
"No. Sorry. Do you know it in French?"
"Uh. I'm sorry. The only way I know is from the song... and I can't..."
But I did.
He burst out laughing.
"Oui," he said.