A straight electrician followed me home the other night.
In his defence he was very drunk. I was out drinking with the Gay Royalty of Cardiff - a couple of staggering handsomeness and style. And suddenly, he sat down at our table. With a slight whoosh of bacardi breeze.
He announced he was straight. Very straight. And then looked at one of the Gay Royal Family. "You are gorgeous, mate."
"I'm straight," said one of the GRF. He pointed at me, "He's my gay brother. And that -" with a gesture at his partner, "is his ex."
Confused? Now add eight pints.
It was all good harmless fun. Until the electrician said that one of the GRF looked like Barry Manilow. Then we figured we could be as nasty to him as we wanted.
So, we got drunker, and he just sat there, believing every lie we told him, until at one point, quite without us noticing, he took his trousers down and rested his member on the pub bench.
"Ya see?" he said, grinning. He'd obviously just proved a really important point in his head.
We glanced at it, and tutted.
Quite why or how he followed me home, I don't know. But he did. Placidly. Like, I suspect, cattle trot off to the abbatoir.
He sat down on my sofa and waited. I pottered around, getting ready for bed.
"Right," he said. "I suppose you know I'm a DJ, yeah? I've got a residency at The End."
"Um." I said. It could have been worse. He could have wanted to talk about sport.
"Now, guess who my favourite DJ is. Go on."
Out of my depth, I shrugged. "Armand van Halen?"
He looked at me, blinked, and shook his head. "No, man, he's like number 15. I want the top, the first, the best DJ in the world ever. What's anal sex like?"
"Fat Boy Slim has to be in the top 10," I ventured.
"Seven," he nodded, "Not that I'd ever do it mind, but I'm curious. Just want to know what being bummed feels like, you know. Never do it. Now guess who number one world DJ is, faggy."
I never did guess who the number one DJ is. But I did answer his other question about five minutes later.
The next morning he turned out to be a surprisingly good kisser. "It's being straight mate. Pretty much all my girlfriend wants to do."