1. EXT SUN HILL POLICE STATION, DAY
The camera tracks slowly in to Sun Hill Police Station. It is a lovely large mansion. We move towards it across sun-dappled fields, past police sheep and police ponies and giant fluttering police flags.
In the background The Bill theme plays, arranged dramtically for strings.
PC MARY: (voice-over) When first I came to Sun Hill, it was like I was wandering through a dream.
The camers pushes slowly up the grand police lobby and spins steadily up the spiral staircase, decorated with ornate pictures of constables and useful signs such as "Crack is not nice" and "Do stop that thief!"
We push past open doors. Each room shows a single mahogany desk with a single policeman, writing earnestly in journals, surrounded by slowly billowing curtains.
After all these identical rooms, we come to an end room, just a little smaller. In it is MARY. She is staring away from us out of the windows. Seated at a chair is a CROOK, wearing a striped jersey and an eye-mask. At his feet is a bag labelled "Swag".
CROOK: I did it.
MARY: (sadly) Did you?
CROOK: Did I?
MARY: (slowly, sadly) I don't know. (sighs) I just don't know.
CROOK: No. (smiles) Or yes. Perhaps.
MARY: (smiling too. sadly). Perhaps. You're free.
CROOK: Am I? Am I free? (picks up swag bag) Am I really free?
MARY: Are any of us?
CROOK leaves the room, fading away as he walks out.
Dissolve to...
2. INT. SUN HILL POLICE STATION, NIGHT
Mary is in her best police-lady gown, descending the lovely police staircase. It is lit with thousands of candles. The hall is lined with policemen, standing in a dutiful row.
MARY: (voice over) We were hunting a grass. Gerry was the greenest grass, and yet the wisest. As is always the way. As a man he told both truth and lies. But then, all men do that, don't they? All I know is that I felt very lovely in my nice Police Lady gown. There's something exciting about going off to hunt down a killer, especially when the satin of the uniform is pressing close to your skin.
Dissolve to....
3. EXT. SUN HILL STREET, NIGHT
A typical modern slum street. Organ grinders and prositutes with monkeys are walking slowly up and down. Each prostitute wears a lovely big dress of a single colour and hold a matching parasol.
GERRY THE GRASS runs past. He is holding a big torch.
MARY follows behind. On a bicycle, her way lit by a lamp on the front of the bicycle using electricity.
C/U on the LAMP. It glows.
MARY: (shouting) Stop! Stop Thief!
Her cries continue and the music swells.
MARY: (voice-over) Ah, but can we ever stop? So many bad men, and bad women, doing exciting and mysterious things like drugs and evil and theft. I wonder if our crimes catch up with us, or do we never really escape them?
4. EXT. PARKLAND. A BENCH. 40 YEARS LATER.
MARY is now played by someone more famous. She still wears her police gown. Even though she is old. She is sobbing.
GERRY THE GRASS walks past. He stops. And watches her. Briefly. And then walks away
THE END
5 comments:
Not as hilarious as the original but a lot more fun than the scripts Harold Pinter would write for the boys in blue.
You
Are
Nicked.
*lingering glance at the handcuffs*
I won't come quietly Officer
is that the case?
is it?
is it indeed
the case
the case in hand
so to speak
shall we say? the case? the joint would you prefer?
would you prefer that we said that we were casing the joint?
or not. whatever you prefer.
sir.
whatever you say.
sir.
whatever.
hmmm...Not nearly enough upper middle-class angst in this piece. And where are all the flash-backs and police men and women shagging each other? I'd like to see the late Dennis Potter's version of Casualty 'The Singing Surgeon'. Don't care about the singing but as long as there is loads of sex.
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