Catwoman: Guilty pleasure of the week

You know this film is bad, but you can't resist it because:

The only product placement is Dasani, the water of death.

Halibo replaces acting with twitching. When she's a shy geek, she twitches. When she's Catwoman, she twitches more. Maybe she has allergies.

It co-stars Benjamin Bratt, a byword for B Movie. He's walking cellulite. Remember Miss Congeniality? uh-huh.

The director's refers to himself merely as "Pitof". It's the noise you make when spitting out a watermelon seed.

Every superhero must have an Obi Wan. Halibo gets an old lady who lives with a lot of cats. Her name is "Ophelia Passion" (say it out loud). She gets to deliver the line: "I was an academic, but I was denied tenure by male academics. Tish."

Pitof is on wheels. The camera moves like the film is shot in 3D. Only it isn't. It just makes you feel a little queasy.

The dialogue is beyond joyous. It includes unsayable moments of gravitas such as: "It was me you flushed down the pipes."

Halibo purrs. It's not pleasant.

It's almost good. The whole idea of having Catwoman work for the villain without realising would be clever in a Usual Suspects way. Only they don't play it like that. In fact, they barely play it at all.

The soundtrack thinks it's scoring a much better film. Rather than observing a tastefully funereal silence, it roars merrily away like Brian Blessed with a bassoon. Bless.

In deference to my non-boozing, Ben and I promised not to break open the vodka until we really, really needed it. We lasted thirty seconds into the title sequence. That's when they started photoshopping Catwoman masks onto historical paintings.

Police procedure is a giggle - they have giant LCD screens for comparing lip prints. And Benjamin Bratt is the only Sergeant in town.

Halibo's best friends are a fag hag and a big fag. I don't know what it says about sexuality, but it's a bit disturbing.

The more liberated and empowered Catwoman becomes, the less she eats and the more toned flesh she exposes. The message is...?

Cute moment #1 that somehow survives: When Catwoman burgles a jewellers, in a fit of remorse she returns the loot. And bakes cupcakes.

Cute moment #2 that somehow survives. There are a lot of cute cats in the film. The audience keeps going "awww." Unfortunately, this happens at moments when we're surprised to find cats Dramatic and Compelling.