Friday, January 06, 2006

Why Estate Agents are miserable arseholes

On Sunday I move into my company Cardiff flat for six months. It's a bargain, but all's been quiet with the estate agents. I phoned them earlier this week, to remind them I was moving in, and to see if they'd taken me up on my invitation to invoice our accounts department in mid December.

Them: "We forgot to invoice you."
Me: "Then it'll take our finance manager a while to pay you."
Them: "Well, we need payment in full before we let you in."
Me: "But, you forgot to invoice us!"
Them: "Doesn't matter - we still need paying."

*** many calls later ***

Me: "Well, I've spoken with everyone I know in accounts, and they can't possibly issue you with a company cheque in time."
Them: "Then you can't move in."
Me: "What about if I come down with a personal cheque?"
Them: "That's not valid."
Me: "Then I think we'll stay in a hotel and find somewhere else. As I said, I'm busy, and accounts payable aren't something I'm good at."

*** many calls later ***

Them: "James, Mark. Have you considered bringing down £2,000 in cash?"
Me: "No."
Them: "Well, it would make it easier for us."
Me: "But I'm not happy carrying around that kind of money. I live in King's Cross."
Them: "I'm afraid it's all we're offering."
Me: "Don't worry about it. I'll book myself into a hotel. There are other apartments."
Them: "Well, we've got a signed contract from you."
Me: "Doubt it matters - you won't let us into the flat, and you've made it very hard for us to pay you."
Them: "A grand up front in cash. How's that for an offer?"
Me: "No! The whole idea's terrifying."
Them: "We'll leave you to think about it."
Me: "No! The situation is horrid, I've got other things to do, and I've made it clear that you should deal with our finance people, not me. Please, leave me alone - I've got hotels to book."
Them: "Well, don't be hasty - think about it."


Them: "Tell you what. Your company's a good one, they always pay, why don't we just move you in, and then we'll sort out the money in the next few weeks?"
Me: "..."

So, I'm now moving down on Sunday. To Cardiff. With all my stuff. But there's every chance that they may not let me into the flat. Just for the sheer twatty fun of being an estate agent.

NB: Have just checked. No, I've never shagged an estate agent. I'm pleased. See - I've got standards.

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