Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Recruitment Consultants

How I wish it would go, just once:

"Hi, this is Jocasta calling from OfficeWankers. I've grabbed your cv off a pile, haven't even read it and am calling you about a job that, in about 10 seconds time we're both going to realise you're completely unsuitable for. How does that grab you?"

ME: "Sure. Once you realise it would be like hiring a cat to run the Mouse Zoo, will you keep flogging the job to me anyway?"

JOCASTA: "Oh, absolutely. Without pausing for breath."

ME: "It's based in Slough, isn't it?"

JOCASTA: "Almost certainly. I've not read that far down the job description yet but it's bound to be somewhere ghastly... ah. yup."

ME: "And are you playing with Facebook all the way through this conversation?"

JOCASTA: "But of course! I'm uploading pictures of girls night out in AllBarOne. It was hilarious."

I worked out t'other day when I run out of money. It's February 14th. Which'll be a shit of a day, but luckily it's a looong way away.

13 comments:

Ian said...

I feel your pain. On current contract have been sat on the other side of the fence. CVs that are clearly unsuitable, poorly written, laughably bad etc. The agency apparently take a 20% cut of all the contractor's earnings for providing this "service".

In my own case the agency involved were eventually embarrassed into taking the group of us they were earning money from out for a meal (a rival agency had flown over from the UK and done it for their contractors). All the rep could talk about was their fantastic new system that enabled him to do a keyword search on all the CVs they'd accumulated.

Maybe we should just quit moaning and set up our own recruitment agency. Anybody can buy the CVs uploaded to Jobserve!

Skip said...

Chatting to a friend over lunch. He's about to become a recruitment consultant for exactly this reason. And keep on meeting people who *used* to be recruitment consultants. They're all, without exception, lovely people. But, when you ask them about their time as a recruitment consultant, their eyes take on a strange, faraway look.

Adam said...

In August 2004 i sublitted my CV to an agency and went through the "assessment" rigmarole, then I heard absolutely nothing from them, until September 2005 - they rang me up and started the conversation with "now, you registered with us last month...". And they still didn't have a job for me. Oh how we laugh - they were called "Head Start". You are not alone, James. For what it's worth, my top tip for the larger agencies, told to me by someone who wrote the software, is to re-upload your CV on their website every day even if it hasn't changed, as they only bother to look at the "new" CVs, apparently. Good luck honey...

Skip said...

Bless yer. I'm lucky in that I'm not desperate for a job - I've really just registerd with the agencies in case anything fun came up.

What baffles me is how you go in for an interview and say "I definitely don't want a permanent job". Which they take to mean "Please offer me all the shitty permanent jobs in Osterley."

Also, why the fuck do they keep offering me "Exciting Event Management Positions"? I have never worked in event management, and consider a birthday party a triumph if it has more than 10 guests. So why? Are there any recruitment consultants reading this who can explain?

gavw said...

Awww. Feb 14th - I could send you a Valentine to cheer you up!!

Perry Neeham said...

It's annoying. In fact it's bloody annoying.

This is my first time here (via a link from Glitter) and you're writing is so good that I've had to read all of your archives. Have you any bloody idea how long that takes? Well, have you?

Oh, BTW, I'm a recruitment consultant and it is a crap job but it does mean I can fuck around during the day when I'm supposed to be meeting clients or interviewing.

Skip said...

Gav: Yes, please! Cards. Preferably containing food stamps.

Perry: You are? And you've read the whole thing? Bless you! You're man of the day. Actually, a nice recruitment consultant's been ringing me up the last couple of days. She's giving off weird "competent at her job" vibes that are freaking me out.

Orchis said...

I notice that Woolie's are advertising for temporary Christmas staff.

gavw said...

Food stamps I can do, or better still a decent meal out!! U said U go for a Scottish accent....... :-)

Skip said...

ORCHIS: They wouldn't let me near their Lego isle...

GAVW: The way to my heart is through my stomach!

Qenny said...

Oh my god! I am now so enlightened! I wondered why I got so many perm job offers for areas in which I have no skill or experience. So glad to know I'm not alone.

Skip said...

haha! and it's not just me!

Anon Dirty said...

Two of my recruitment consultants Facebooked me this month. I'm still not sure what to do about that.