Signing-on

I'd never work again if it wasn't that I quite like buying spendy drinks and toys. I miss working with fun people, but there's something lovely about every day being Saturday, full of shopping and gym and boys and fags and writing and one last little vodka before bed.

But I have my wobbles. I was signing on the other day. In return for some free money and discount cinema tickets, it's a fun ritual where a nice lady called Shimla asks me if I've progressed from my last job, which was making cartoons about space pirates. I explain that sadly, animated space piracy is a small industry. She nods sympathetically, and suggests I use one of their Job Points to further my job seeking.

As I leave a Customer Satisfaction man asks what I thought of my Job Seeking interview. And then says, "So how long have you been unemployed?"

"Four months," I say.

"Aw," he says. "Baby!"

And that's when I have a wobble.