Jamie the Scuba Diver sees my lego-filled living room for the first time. "Woah, man. I don't know if we're gonna shag or build a castle."
I was bound to meet someone nice just as I leave Cardiff. He even introduced me to his best friend Keith.
"We've met," I said.
Keith looked blank.
"Same night I met Jamie. You kept wandering up and kissing me on the dancefloor."
"Shit, man. So I did. Sorry. I was wasted."
"That's fine - it's nice when a good-looking man does that. Well, it was until I saw you snogging that fat guy."
"Oh. Him. Yeah, he's kind of my boyfriend. He's really fat, isn't he?"
"Yup. You're hot. You could do so much better."
Jamie is staring at us. "Um, do you want to bring Keith back with us?"
Dating rules I wish I'd known: When he offers to bring back his best friend for a threesome, say "no" and say it instantly. Do not appear to be considering it, even for a second. Even men from Newport have feelings.
Anyway, maybe next time.