Fuck the germs! To the Black Cap on Monday night, for vodka and Laquisha Jonz's "Bling Blang Blung!" an interactive game show hosted by a Burberry drag queen.
How wonderful! I thought, when I was dragged up on stage. Please let it be the current affairs round, for I have read Heat this week. Or at a pinch, films...
No, it was not. I had to perform fellatio on a Snickers bar. Placed between the thrusting thighs of a DJ. The aim was to remove as much chocolate as possible in 30 seconds. Actually harder than you'd think. Especially as I was competing against a young Estonian, the European experts in head.
I am pleased to report that I won.
But only because the Estonian used his teeth and bit the end off. Nasty.
PS: Have you noticed that latin terms are always used for simulated sex? Curious.
PPS: The Estonian spoke no English. But was charming. And later on, I'm pleased to say, I let him win.