When I was nice.

I've just been sent an email from three years ago. Reminding me of how I used to be:

WE JOIN JAMES AS HE IS HALFWAY THROUGH SHUNTING A MAN.

JAMES: I just want to know how special this is for me.

MAN: grunt.

JAMES: I really appreciate this. Is this okay? Let me know if it’s causing you any discomfort.

MAN: grunt.

JAMES: Okay. Is there any cramp in your legs? Are you sure? Only I read something in the Daily Mail about how sodomy can cause Deep Vein Thrombosis.

MAN: grunt.

JAMES CONTINUES TO SHUNT. HE KEEPS TIME BY HUMMING THE THEME TO "BUTTERFLIES"

JAMES PAUSES AGAIN

MAN: grunt?

JAMES: Oh, this is so lovely. You’re great. I’m going to buy some lovely plates and name them after you. Actually, I’d just like to scatter some rose petals on the bed now to mark this tender special moment.

MAN: grunt.

JAMES PROCEEDS TO SHUNT AWAY AGAIN. THERE IS THE SOUND OF A MOBILE PHONE RINGING.

MAN: grun - oh, sorry, gotta get this. hello?

JAMES: Hello, it’s me. I’m calling you already!