Monday, August 22, 2005

Re: Bewitched

Dear Nicole

We're having words. Oh, don't worry - this isn't quite a gay intervention (or "gin-tervention"). No - we're not yet at the stage where we asked David Boreanaz to choose between Career or Carbs.

Look love, you have to stop picking films just cos you think it'll please the gays. We'll always love you. Moulin Rouge is so fabulous it's now included in the Gay Induction Pack along with a Fag Hag and some glitter.

And we adore the gossip - we've all heard the reports that "Nicole doesn't do food", and the legends of the string of pearls that you pulled out of Johnny Depp's arse. All lies, of course, but what fabulous ones!

No, the only problem is the films. Seriously, what's been up? I mean, we loved the trailer for Stepford Wives, but it's all been a bit wrong since. We're trying to forget the Chanel Incident, but it's going to be harder with Bewitched. What were you thinking? Second fiddle to Will Ferrell? In a remake of Anchorman? That was always going to be stolen by Shirley Maclaine and Michael Caine?

Ask to read the script first next time. Or at least check the film has one. And, above all don't worry about making us happy. For so many reasons, you're irrestible to homosexuals. Why, just look at Tom Cruise!

He's a reason. Not a gay.

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